


Atomic Tangerines

by A_Dreaming_Jellyfishie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Time-travel, Animal Therapy, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Assassinations, BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Team 7, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, Confused! Kakashi, Crossdressing Orochimaru, Cute Rascal Children, F/M, Feminist Sakura, Fox Summons, Fox! Kurama, Fuinjutsu, Fuinjutsu! Naruto, Gen, Kuudere Uchiha Family, Lots of pranks, M/M, Misunderstanding, Naruto Loves Ramen, Naruto is Just Naruto, Out-of-the-loop Kakashi, Pranks, Sannin Swap, Sasuke can bake, Slugs and Leeches are NOT the same, Sort-of-right Scientific stuffs?, Team as Family, Will work on tagging someday, Yandere Hinata, crackfic, time-travel, writer sasuke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-08-20 14:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 48,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16557476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Dreaming_Jellyfishie/pseuds/A_Dreaming_Jellyfishie
Summary: “I can’t believe we’re back in time.” Sakura sourly pointed out, “One moment I was filing medical reports and the next? I wake up with a spoon shoved down my throat and I nearly choked because I was halfway through swallowing.”“Hn.” Sasuke agreed.She stood out menacingly, fist out ready to pounce. “If this was your fault,” she cracked her fists, “you understand?”Naruto nodded his head rapid fire.Long story short, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke are thrown back into their puny, non-badass 12-year-old bodies.What do they do?Cause a riot, drive everyone insane and save the world.Kakashi was so proud of his students for restraining themselves.





	1. In Which a Blond Idiot Gets Booted Into the Past

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Naruto fanfiction and my first Ao3 fanfic. Please be nice!!

The morning sun was Naruto’s best friend and arch-nemesis. On one hand, Mr Sun gave his cute plants the food they required to continue being cute and green, but on the other, it messed with his PRECIOUS BEAUTY SLEEP! Let it be said that Naruto hated waking up with a passion, especially as sleeping was so hard for him. Sometimes he wished he could swap places with his furry prisoner who slept an average of 27 hours per day.

However, as a shinobi, Naruto knew what he had to do and dutifully wrenched himself out of bed every morning at 6 am. Throwing off his nightcap, the ninja began to blindly navigate his apartment, unwilling to damage his sensitive eyes in the harsh sunlight. After nearly a decade of the exact same routine (sans those two years spent on the road, it doesn’t count), Naruto knew his apartment as well as the back of his hand.

...not that he ever looked at his hand that closely… but nevertheless, steering himself to the bathroom was as easy as inhaling a bowl of ramen!

So when he kissed the peeling wallpaper of his apartment instead of finding himself in the bathroom, Naruto knew there was something wrong. Something freakishly wrong. Did… did he get taller? That was the only explanation for this weird event. He always hated being 166cm only. Everyone was taller than him, even Gaara was taller than him!

Naruto spent many days moaning and practically bitching this information to whoever would listen. Strangely enough, the only person willing was Hinata, despite her weird stammer and fidgeting demeanour.

Sighing, he forcefully wrenched open his eyelids and carefully rubbed the area around them as Naruto knew that he was not going to get anywhere if he just stood still and complained about life in his head. Kurama wasn’t even awake to listen.

Still feeling half asleep, the blond trudged himself towards the nearest sink, only opening his eyes every few seconds to make sure he was going in the right direction. When he finally reached his destination, Naruto twisted the tap on and splashed cold water directly onto his face and recoiling at the icy feeling.

Despite the horrible feeling that the water gave him, once he towelled his face dry, Naruto felt so much better than in his groggy morning state. He felt like he was actually awake too. Setting down the damp towel, he flicked open his eyes and saw his face.

 

* * *

 

The first thing he did once he recovered from his shock was burn the abomination called his jumpsuits in the nearest training ground. Next, he collapsed into the dirt, face turned skyward. Lastly, he stared into the flames and laughed.

While most would have found the sight of a young boy laughing as he burned his own clothing disturbing and immediately told security about the pyromaniac in the area. Shinobi and civilians living in shinobi villages were far more resilient and ignored the common sight. And Naruto? He was too caught up in the realisation that he woke up six years in the past.

After 20 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Naruto decided that the time for hysterics was over and promptly smoothed his face into one of solemnity. Having already decided that, No, it is not a genjutsu and No, this is not the Eternal Tsukuyomi, (he wouldn’t be in this dump if it were) Naruto was ready to make a plan. Or a guideline. He was a man of action. Everyone knew that Naruto didn’t plan.  (Except that Sakura beat something called priorities into his head).

So… priorities? Now, this was something Naruto had to think about. Regardless of what most would say, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki was not stupid. He could read, he could write, he could calculate how much his ramen affected his profit every month. Naruto was not stupid. He just… preferred not think. It hurt his head.

However, Naruto was and will always be an idiot.

“Hmmmm….” Sitting cross-legged, Naruto furrowed his brow into his thinking face, “What to do…?”

“NARUTO!” Naruto shoulders betrayed him and jumped up in shock. In a one slow, careful movement, he turned his head and met with a glowering Iruka. “What do you think you’re doing?”

And the sight rendered him speechless. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

“Nevermind!” His teacher snapped, the familiar scarred headband glinting in the morning light. With ease, he scooped his wayward student under his arm and held him under his arm like a sack. “We’re going straight back to the academy and you can give me your excuses then.”

Now Naruto was panicking. If he was at a loss for words just seeing his former teacher, who, by the way, was still alive and kicking in the future, how the hell would he react to everybody else? Would he cry? Scream? Stare at them like a fish?

As it turns out… it was none of the above. Rather, right after Iruka-sensei’s shunshin, he burst out into his second peal of laughter. Because really? That duck-butt hair? The I-will-murder-everything-in-my-sight stare? And the upturned I’m-better-than-you posture? It was all too much for Naruto to see in a small, tiny, pseudo version of his best friend.

“Naruto!” A fist buried itself into Naruto’s hair, “Stop laughing! It’s the day of graduation exam. Honestly, and after the stunt you pulled yesterday… you still haven’t learnt your lesson. Be thankful that Mizuki-sensei took pity on you and allowed me to bring you here.”

The man in question smiled in a wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing way and Naruto couldn’t help but shut up in that very moment as he shivered just at the sight of that bastard. Grinding his teeth in agitation, every fibre in his being told him to attack-to pounce and attack the living daylights out of the man who nearly killed his precious teacher.

“Get into your seat!” Iruka-sensei growled, shoving Naruto forward, not too gently, “I’ll start handing out the tests. Under no circumstances will there be any cheating! If any of you are caught, that is an immediate 10% off of your academic grade!”

Following the man’s orders, Naruto trudged up the stairs with eyes staring straight into the Uchiha survivor. The boy glared heatedly, but the time-traveller could not sense any malice behind the action, leaving him in a confused stupor.

“Dobe, what happened to the Kill-Me Jumpsuit? Finally realised that the colour wasn’t suited for ninjas?” he sneered. “Or has your stupidity realised that pyjamas are better ninja wear?”

“You!” Naruto snarled back and took another step forward, ready to defend the virtue of the sacred coloured named Orange and not necessarily his jumpsuit. Contrary to most people’s beliefs, he did not like or adore the orange jumpsuit of his. Rather, he found it too baggy on his 12-year-old body and only had begun to fill it out at the age of 14. Yet it was far too late by then and it was destroyed in… the six tails incident. It brought up rather conflicting memories of the best and worst times. Nobody could fault Naruto for murdering the offending pieces of clothing.

However, as fortune decreed, that one step started with Naruto’s foot missing it’s grip and the sudden jolt of freedom and ended with his face colliding painfully with the wooden steps.

“Naruto!” Mizuki called out, “Are you okay?” And hearing his fake, saccharine voice coloured with concern made Naruto’s morning ramen threaten to arise out of his stomach. Quickly, he scrambled up and ignoring the snickering from his batch mates (most of which would never become shinobi anyway) he zipped into his seat. Honesty, he had six full years of extra experience and he was still doing childish things like tripping?

“I’m okay…” He gritted out, “Let’s just get this test over and done with!

 

* * *

 

Even though he had technically passed the graduation exam all those years ago (by a technicality, but still a passed), the sight of the two teachers sitting behind the desk still never failed to summon a shiver down his spine. Naruto realised quite early on that he probably had a crippling fear of failing, (A ticket phobia, Sakura told him, which was stupid. He wasn’t afraid of tickets), judging by the constant nightmares he would have of failing promises and people.

“Alright, Naruto, all you have to do is create two clones,” Iruka-sensei said.

As time went by, Naruto, unfortunately, became more observant. This was useful for being a Shinobi, but it also let him see things he definitely did not want to see-or notice, including Konohamaru’s crush on Hinata’s sister, Sasuke’s reciprocating loving gaze at Sakura and Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei’s… bleh! Moving aside, this new perceptiveness allowed him to notice the scarred man’s phrasing; ‘create two clones’. He did not mention the technique that Naruto was required to use and that meant that Naruto was allowed to use his number one, most favoured, spammed jutsu!

Summoning his chakra into his fingertips and feeling the chaotic energy swirling beneath his skin, Naruto formed the cross-like sign for the Kage no Bunshin. Moulding the energetic chakra with a bit of difficulty, he released it to form two perfect clone copies of his 12-year-old body.

“Congratulations Naruto!” Iruka stood up and the Kyuubi jinchuuriki could tell that the twitching corners of his smile were the teacher’s professionalism threatening to break and engulf his face with an outright proud grin. “You’ve passed and you’re now officially a ninja of Konohagakure.”

“...he passed?” The bastard next to Iruka muttered in disbelief, eyes wide like tiny little saucers.

“I passed?” Naruto echoed beside him, unknowingly taking a similar expression. “I-I really passed?” Was he even alive? This definitely not how his usual dreams went. But with shaking steps he walked up to the grading table and took the blue-clothed headband from Iruka’s waiting hand.

“OH MY UCHIHA FUCKING MADARA GOD!! I FUCKING PASSED!!” Naruto yelped and jumped up with an excited grin, completely ignoring Iruka-sensei’s chasting of ‘Language!’ and leapt into his arms, drawing a yelp from the older man.

But regardless, the chunin smiled and lowered his voice to say; “Ichiraku’s at lunch?”

And Naruto could only beam in response.

 

* * *

It was only perhaps after Naruto left the grading room when he realised; “Oh flying fuck, I forgot about that bitch Mizuki!” And he folded into himself and let out a long-suffering groan. “Fuuuuuuuuuck!”

 

The person after Naruto, a young civilian boy who was never destined in becoming a shinobi but rather a very successful gossip, immediately came to the conclusion that the blond had definitely failed, judging from the crude expression and lack of headband around his golden mane. He, unfortunately, rushed back to class and began bragging about how the idiot failed and I passed, hahaha! (How wrong was he?)

“What to do?” Naruto began to consider smacking his head against the wall. If this really wasn’t a dream (or nightmare) like he originally believed, then he really was in some deep shit. Who knew what the hell Mizuki would do now? To be completely honest, Naruto had the friggin’ devil’s luck to have been able to survive this long in his circumstances; namely being in the worst possible situations with the worst possible outcomes.

If this really wasn’t a dream (still not 100% sure about that) then he may have just fucked his past up. Actually, thinking about it again, he may just be fine because as far as Naruto could tell, while the man was a fucked up fruitloop who needed to stop following all the cliches of How-to-be-a-Villain-101. He was a weak bastard as well.

So in a typical Naruto-esque fashion, he rose from his squatted position, stretched his body out and said: “Fuck it.” Then left in a swirl of leaves. He had a new wardrobe to get and priorities to sort out.

 

Let it be said that Konoha had something against the colour Orange. Every single shop, all 76 of them which offered shinobi styled choices… none of them stocked the orange which he so craved.

“How is this even possible?!” Naruto moaned into his hands, ignoring the rifled stares of the civilians around him. Even if they all hated him at one point and charged everything at an inflated rate, surely they should have something in orange, ANYTHING IN ORANGE! The first thing he would do when he became Hokage would be to decree that each and every one of these stupid stores would always have something primarily orange. The second would declare a national Ramen day right after October 10th.

(He was obviously exaggerating as there were some clothes accented with trimmings of orange or had orange symbols, but none of them were able to sate his thirst for the colour.)

The lack of orange really was a major problem, especially as tomorrow was photo day—and his first meeting with Konohamaru—and he needed to make a good impression. Though, if he remembered correctly, the first time around he had a very good rendition of a Kabuki warrior… but then again, he met Ero-sennin and had already realised that Kabuki wasn’t really for him.

He really regretted burning all of his jumpsuits. He didn't hate them that much. It was just a fit of insanity which drove him to commit the heinous deed. His poor, poor jumpsuit…

Seeing a promising looking shop in the distance, Naruto steered himself into that direction. Trying not to get his hopes up, he entered the quaint, wooden store with a bright smile.

”Welcome.” The shopkeeper said, in a boring, monotonous key, not bothering to look up from his newspaper. Naruto grinned wider in response. He quickly directed himself into the clothing section and began his search.

One quick scan through the aisles and the Jinchūriki could tell that none of the clothes were orange enough for the Prankster king. With slight hesitation, Naruto called out to the shopkeeper.

”Excuse me, Mister?” Naruto decided to keep it as polite as possible, ”Do you have any Shinobi outfits in orange?”

With one suffering sigh, the man set down his newspaper and glanced towards Naruto. ”Little one, aren’t you a little too young to be playing ninja?”

Naruto growled inwardly in response. While he knew he was short, Naruto obviously, wasn’t that short. Uh, Hinata was shorter than him. He knew he picked the wrong disguise for the day. As Konoha’s hero and former pariah, Naruto was never out of the public eye. Though it got much, much worse after the whole Nagato fiasco. While the young orphaned Naruto yearned for attention—any attention, as he grew older, he realised just how bad it could be. Especially… FANGIRLS!

Some may laugh at this, but fan girls (and occasionally fan boys) are the worst…beings to ever walk the Elemental Nations!!! Never once had the blond felt so much… empathy for his silent teammate who had been battling the evil demon’s affections for years! No wonder he defected! Naruto was so glad that Sakura was no longer a fan girl or rather in the future she would no longer be a fan girl (but she evolved into something worse…).

As a countermeasure to escape from his own fan club, Naruto needed to up his game. And that is a very scary thought for someone who was able to successfully play hide and seek with Anbu for hours since childhood. The fangirls were VICIOUS! They found him everywhere! No matter where he went, or when it was, they were always… always lurking right around the corner…

So with a heavy heart, 17-year-old Naruto set out to level up his acting skills, and enacted Operation Avoid Fangirls At All Costs!

Which led to this; time-travelling Naruto stuck in 12-year-old Naruto’s body which was consequently stuck in a disguise, complete with a black wig and makeup to cover his whisker cheeks. He could’ve used ninjutsu, but he always knew there was always a sharp eye who could sense the chakra and dispel the transformation. (He knew from experience)

Puffing out his cheeks in a very annoying civilian fashion Naruto huffed, “I’m not little! I'm a proud shinobi of Konoha!” And to emphasise this, Naruto swept his brunette wig’s bangs away to reveal the emblem of the village soldered onto shiny metal.

The man chuckled and pat Naruto’s head, “Proud shinobi, eh? Well, I'll be happy to help you find what you need.”

Naruto smirked as he successfully charmed the middle-aged man (without needing to flaunt boobs around too!). He nodded and continued to use a higher pitch, “Mister, I'm looking for Orange clothes!”

“Orange, you say?” He stroked his chin thoughtfully and then dove into the nearest clothing rack.

Naruto waited patiently at the side, fidgeting with the sides of his short, dark blue yukata. The clothes were a present from the Third Hokage about half a year ago and Naruto had never worn it before. But using secret Uzumaki magic, Naruto styled the clothing into a perfect disguise.

”Here, ” the man withdrew from the clothes to reveal a… black jacket. Naruto hoped the disappointment didn't show on his face. The shopkeeper lined the jacket up Naruto’s chest and hummed. “It’s a bit big, but you should grow into it. Do you want to try it on?”

Keeping up with the polite little boy persona, Naruto smiled and nodded despite not really wanting to try on something… Not orange. Taking the jacket from the man, Naruto furrowed his eyebrows slightly. It looked vaguely familiar.

Sliding both arms into the sleeves. Naruto checked his reflection in the mirror and grinned in a foxy berth that threatened to engulf his face.

“This is absolutely, positively perfect, Ojī-san!” Naruto gushed, eying the beautiful orange accents accentuated against  the star black.“ How much?! Can I buy in bulk? How does a dozen sound?”

The formerly bored man matched his expression ear to ear, ”Now you’re talking.”

 

* * *

 

Naruto still felt nervous approaching the classroom. Last time he stepped into the academy as a child, he ended face first into… Sasuke-teme. The beating given was horrifying and the blond wasn’t sure if he could look at the Uchiha’s fangirls the same after that experience. Regardless of how much he realised he needed to follow the old timeline, that was something Naruto wouldn’t wish on anyone. (Except maybe Ebisu. The closet pervert.)

And he had seen neither Sasuke nor Sakura in months! The former being on self-imposed exile and the latter holed up in the hospital. Naruto was worried how he’d react to their faces.

However, Naruto had always been a believer of “It’s now or never” and the new term “YOLO” and without giving his brain any more time to think, he slammed open the wooden sliding door and yelled, “I’m sorry for being late!” He smiled mischievously and took the words of his sensei-to-be, “I was lost on the road of life,”

He was lucky because Iruka-sensei seemed to be glowing and dismissed Naruto with a simple “Sit down.” and continued to talk. He was even luckier because he skipped the pep talk (which wasn’t bad in foresight but wasn’t the best Naruto had heard.) and quickly moved to the only seat available, right next to Shikamaru and in front of Sasuke.

“What’s with the new clothes Naruto?” The lazy boy said, not bothering to lift his head and simply turned slightly to face the side, “I thought you loved the orange.”

Thinking a bit about the bonfire Naruto lit in Training Ground three and the pile of burning Ramen cups, Orange jackets, outdated scrolls and other junk, Naruto knew he had to dish out a half-truth, half-lie from the back of his mind, he didn’t want his batchmates to be too wary of him just yet.

“Change was imminent…” Naruto said dramatically, “And my self-imposed stealth training is complete.” It was true. While the blond had never been a Chūnin, he had to get through a whole journey and a half to get himself up to Jōnin standards. He not only had to get his knowledge of everything up to scratch, but he also had to get his basics up too. The testing phase revealed Naruto’s subpar Genjutsu skill, but at the same time, it uncovered his unnatural stealth, tracking and trap-making abilities.

It wasn’t much of a surprise to either Naruto or Kakashi-sensei, however, Sakura was astonished by the seemingly new abilities he showed off. It only made sense though as Naruto had been pranking left, right and centre since he could first run. In order to do so, he had to have some sort of ingenious creative brain working 24/7. Kakashi -sensei revealed himself as the ANBU Kitsune who took care of Naruto as a kid when the one-eyed man took up the Hokage hat, so of course, he was in on this knowledge.

On the other hand, what surprised them all was Naruto’s freakish ability to just know where everyone was and how they were feeling. It was useful on missions and the like, but still completely unexplainable to any of the members of Team 7. That is until Sasuke returned to Konoha with Team Taka in tow and Karin scoffed and bit out; “It’s an Uzumaki thing, don’t you know?”

And she was proven right as Naruto continued to study for his Jōnin exam and researched into the life of Uzumaki Mīto. A great fūinjutsu master, the first Kyuubi Jinchūriki and the wife of the Shodaime Hokage, Uzumaki Mīto was apparently also a sensor, just like her brother-in-law. However, just like Naruto, because of her exposure to Kurama’s chakra her ability manifested in a decidedly different way.

Instead of being able to sense chakra, she could sense negative emotion. Naruto found his clansman so cool.

After some trial and error, it was evident that Naruto could sense not only negative emotion but also positive ones. Kurama explained it as due to the lack of potency his malicious chakra now held. (Naruto was sure it was just because the Bijū was becoming a soft ball of fluff. He saw the old fox cooing at a memory of Asuma-sensei’s kid!

Long story cut short, Naruto was now an expert on espionage with his new abilities coupled with his newfound acting. And Shikamaru was so lazy that he shrugged and turned his head away after mumbling; “Looks good.”

“Thanks!”

Iruka-sensei coughed lightly and Naruto blushed and nodded, seeing the silent plea of May I continue now? plastered across his raised eyebrow.

“Right. Team 1 is….”

 

* * *

 

Naruto already knew it was going to be like this, however being stuck with a mini-Sasuke and mini-Sakura wasn’t where he wanted to be at the current moment. Under no circumstance did he want to see the Uchiha’s old brooding I-want-to-kill-my-brother face nor the former (future?) medic’s Sasuke-kun-please-please-love-me gaze. Well, it wasn’t like he’d murder them or something, but the pain of lost memories would haunt him for a little while,

That left the trio sitting together in one row in dead silence. None of them willing to strike up the conversation.

“Ehehehe… so—” Naruto began after what seemed like decades (15 minutes really).

“Why did you change your clothes Naruto?” Sasuke cut in, boring pitch black eyes into the blond”s skull.

“What?” That definitely wasn’t the first thing the Jinchūriki thought his (future) best friend would say.

“He said why did you change your style Naruto? We thought you loved that stupid jumpsuit of yours.”

“Wait wait wait! What.!” Naruto took a second look at his teammates-to-be. There was neither a gloomy death stare nor a lovesick mooning marring pale skin, only identical looks of amusement on childish, round faces. “Sakura? Sasuke?”

With two firm nods in response, Naruto launched himself at the pair, looping his arms around their head and smacking them together in a painful yet happy sound.

“Holy Kagura! You two are here! With me!” He babbled, “Well, Of course, you’re here with me, but you are here, as in you guys, not Wannabe Avenger and Wannabe Uchiha-san.”

“Hey, I am not a wannabe! I am Uchiha-san.” Sakura huffed and pushed herself out of the embrace to hug Sasuke’s head.

“Well, you were.” Naruto saw Sasuke nod his head in agreement. “See! Sasuke agrees with me!”

“Anata!”

They all collapsed into a jumble of laughter, limbs and smiling faces. Even Sasuke, the introverted one was all teeth and tiny chuckles.

“I can’t believe you guys are actually here with me!” Naruto said.

“I can’t believe we’re back in time.” Sakura sourly pointed out, “One moment I was filing medical reports and the next? I wake up with a spoon shoved down my throat and I nearly choked because I was halfway through swallowing.”

“Hn.” Sasuke agreed.

She stood out menacingly, fist out ready to pounce. “If this was your fault,” she cracked her fists, “you understand?”

Naruto nodded his head rapid fire, not wanting to earn Sakura’s ire and therefore her fist through his skull. He thought he could hear Sasuke mumble; ‘Damn that’s hot.’ and couldn’t help but stare incredulously.

Ignoring Sasuke’s statement for another time, the blond stared straight into Sakura’s emerald eyes, “I swear I have no clue how the hell we got here. I have no a why we’re all here together, but I would be more than grateful if you helped me get a hold of the entire situation.”

The girl huffed and relaxed her posture. Sitting back down onto her chair, she pulled out a folder of papers that she definitely didn’t have in the first timeline. “I guess because we’re all here together, we may as well as plan for the future. I mean, if we’re here, we might as well change something, because there is no way in hell I’m letting this one—” she jabbed her thumb at Sasuke, “—run off like a lunatic in search for power.”

Sasuke seemed unphased as he continued her topic, “I, myself, would prefer not to go to that pedophile—“

“Ooh! I knew the snake guy was a pedophile!”

“—and I would like it if I were able to save my brother.”

Naruto hummed in agreement. “The future we got was pretty good, all things considered, However, it could definitely be better.” His breath hitched, “Neji…”

Naruto could sense the sadness welling up in his friend’s chakras urging his own energy to feel the same. “But we’ll change all that!” He proclaimed standing up, “We may have been weak the first time, we may have been helpless, useless, led astray… however…. We now have power! We have knowledge, we have experience! And now,”

“We can change everything! Now, who’s with me?”

A pause, “Your motivational speeches are getting better.” Sasuke frowned, “How is that possible?”

“Skill.”

Before they could break up into their usual juvenile arguing, Sakura butted in saying, “First up, can you still speak to Kurama?”

Naruto paused. “Uh…” he smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “I… actually have not yet tried yet.”

The glare was more than enough to get him scrambling into his mindscape.

Purposefully getting into his mindscape was always a nauseating ordeal because it always felt like the first jolt of free falling coupled with a maddening ache behind his eyes. However, it was never something that he could get used to because the feeling would only linger for one moment before dissipating into Naruto’s dark, dank mindscape.

“Man, I really need to change this scenery,” Naruto said, “Sewers just don’t go with my fluffy personality.”

With a bit of concentration of a much, much happier place, the area around Naruto began to shimmer like mist. Fading into a dark cloudy fog, Naruto opened his eyes and cursed.

“Ugh, still not there yet.” He muttered and tried again. He only managed to change his mindscape into the same shining fog that he met his chakra-construct pseudo-mother.

Thinking hard about home, he imagined the shape, size and texture of the Hokage monument, he imagined each and every carve of the face, the paint he forgot to clean at 13, the small niche where he loved to sit on his father’s messy spikes.

And this time, when he did open his eyes, he found himself standing on the clearing at the very top of the Hokage monument plateau. Behind him was a few new residential houses however and in front laid the colourful, crisscrossing view of Konoha’s architecture. Satisfied with his work, Naruto nodded folding his arms in triumph.

Summoning a deep breath, Naruto hollered, “KURAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Two beats and a huff of annoyance then a long, elongated, sleepy yawn.

“Naru...to?”

Spinning around to expecting to see a giant mesh of orange fur, Naruto, unfortunately, was left quite disappointed. Instead, what he did see was a tiny, adorable, fuzzy ball curled into itself. With a yawn and stretch, the little creature rolled out of it’s laying position to sit right down in front of Naruto.

“Kura...ma!?!” Naruto jumped, “Oh my holy mother-fucking Kagura!!! He knelt down to the baby kit and wailed, “What has Kami-sama done to you?!”

He growled in what was most likely supposed to be menacing but came out in a falsetto yip, “Does it look like I want to be like this?” His odd bipedal hands came to wrap around his blue collar! “Look at me! I’m tied up! Like a pet!”

The blond just couldn’t keep it in. Like a flood, the laughter began pouring out of his mouth and attacking at his sides.

“Shut up you imbecile! Hurry up and get this stupid seal off me!” He squealed.

Naruto took one more side glance at the baby fox and continued to laugh harder than before. “Oh my—hahaha—god! pfffttttt! L-look at you! You’re—“ he gestured aimlessly towards the bijū’s body, “CUTE!”

In the five minutes it took Naruto to get a grip of himself, Kurama did not look amused. Rather he had the very scary glare on his face that made Naruto remember the Kyuubi’s… delinquent days. Well, they do say once a delinquent, always a delinquent, right?

Frowning slightly, Naruto stared at the seal collar, “I… I don’t have the key.”

“WHAT?!” Kurama pawed at his collar, “NO! No, no, no, no, no, NO!!! Geddit off me! Geddit off me!” He rolled around on the floor with his hind legs, locked under the offending piece of leather trying with no avail to rip the seal off.

“I’m sorry!” Naruto’s hands found themselves wrung into his blond locks, “I barely know any fūinjutsu! The eight trigram is so complicated!”

Kurama bared his teeth. “Then learn, you idiotic kit! I refuse to have this—this collar on me! It’s degrading!”

The blond grimaced, while Naruto began learning fūinjutsu after the fourth shinobi war and was good enough to set out a number of nasty traps, he hated reading. His handwriting may have gotten better since his Jōnin exam, but his dislike for reading was still as prevalent as ever. Without a teacher (which he had not had since Jiraiya) the amount of reading he would be required to do just to familiarise himself with different seals would be enormous.

“I’ll get to it.” He muttered reluctantly. “Oh… Kurama! Ero-sēnin! He’s… he’s still alive, right? Because we’re in the past, right? How did we even get into the past? I’m so confused? Hey? Hey? Kurama? Please help me! Or Sakura’s gonna murder me and chuck my ass back to the Hokage mountain!”

“Naruto! Shut it!” Kurama snapped, “I have no idea why, what, or how we’re here. I simply remember my chakra draining rapidly the night before last and I just thought you were sleep training or drunk.”

Earning himself a sheepish apology, the fox scoffed, “Yeah, yeah. Just don’t do it again.”

“Thanks, Rama-chan. I’ll go tell Sasuke and Sakura about this and maybe they’ll cobble up some theory.”

“You better.” He said, “Look at me!” He moaned in dismay.

Getting out of his mindscape was arguably easier than falling into it, in the sense that it was far less nauseating. Rather than the pitfall feeling that entering his mindscape gave, getting back to the real world was more of an exhilarating, chakra-enforced jump from the bottom of the Hokage monuments to the plateau above. Though, when Naruto thought about it, it was confusing because the movement he made to exit his mindscape was actually jumping off the plateau. He always knew he was weird and he supposed his mind simply reflected that.

“Kurama has no idea.” was the first thing Naruto blurted out when he opened his eyes.

“Huh…” Sakura mumbled as she sat hunched to Naruto’s left over a scroll. “Well, I wasn’t expecting much.”

“But! He did say that he remembered that not last night, but the night before, he experienced a large chakra drain.” Naruto recounted, “Other than that? ...Nothing.”

“Well, so far on our list of potential suspects we’ve got Kagura, Akatsuki, a follower of Kagura, Naruto—”

“—Hey! Why am I on that list?!”

“—Kakashi-sensei’s prank, random enemy ninja genjutsu, Orochimaru went psycho again and Naruto.”

“As I said, why am I on the list?! And twice?!” Naruto cried, “You with such little faith! I have you know I’m next in line to be Hokage!”

“Actually…” Sasuke whispered conspiratory, “In this time, it’s Tsunade first. And even then it’s going to be Kakashi-sensei. You’re not going to be Hokage for years, if you even do get there, deadlast.”

“If someone can manage to force the hat on him,” Sakura interjected.

But the damage was done and Naruto wilted into his seat. “I’m sorry I’m deadlast…” He whinged, “But I’m going to Hokage, dattebayo…! I’ll prove both of you wrong!”

> * * *

 “Uhuh.” Sakura nodded, “Turn it down a little Naruto, I’m writing here.”

“Hmm?” He hummed, “What are you writing?”

“List of priorities.”

“Sakura…” Naruto said, “Have I ever told you I love you? Lemme see what you’ve written.”

Forking over the scroll to the blond, Naruto squinted his eyes. “Uh… Sakura… What exactly does this say?”

“What do you mean?” She furrowed her brow, “It says plainly; Genin Exam, Wave mission, Chunin Exam, Orochimaru, Invasion.”

“Dude! I can’t read it!” He screamed, waving around the scroll, “How can you read this? How can you write this?” Twisting around his female teammate, he shoved the writing in his dark-haired friend. “Can you read this?”

“Your handwriting is really bad Sakura.” Sasuke intoned.

“See!” Naruto yelled, “Not even he can read this—this—this chicken scratch!”

“Hey!” She growled back, snatching the scroll from his fingers. “This is how all medics write. This is how Tsunade-shisou writes! I’d like to see you do any better!”

Sticking up his chin, Naruto grinned. Motioning for the scroll and brush, Sakura shoved it into his hands roughly. Dipping the brush into the liquid ink, Naruto beckoning for Sakura to dictate.

“Under Genin Exam write we need to confirm or scrap our theory of this being Kakashi-sensei’s idea of a prank. If so, then we prank him back thrice as hard, if not… then we’ll just settle for twice.” She took a sneak peek at her blond friend’s handwriting. “HOW?!”

Hearing the commotion, Sasuke also took a look at Naruto’s handwriting. While he did not scream like Sakura, he had an equally flabbergasted expression pasted on his face.

“Ehehehe~” Naruto rubbed his nose in embarrassment. “Fūinjutsu practice. Kakashi-sensei was teaching me the basics.”

“Ok. Great.” Sakura shrugged, “You’re scribe from now on.”

 

* * *

 

“My first impression of you is…” Kakashi looked at blank faces. “...You’re all creepy. I don’t like you.”

The blond—Minato-sensei’s son—fist pumped. “Yes! It worked!”

“I would say we’re sorry for the chalk duster…” The pink-haired girl said, “but... You made us wait nearly five hours, so I say Naruto’s justified.”

“Hn.”

How uncute these three children were. Like most kids they were rude, but rather than the childish naivety that usually radiated off of academy graduates, they seemed to possess blatant disregard for authority figures. Naruto, he could understand with his Uzumaki heritage and ease around most of the village’s elite jōnin and ANBU. However the Uchiha had manners pounded into him from birth and Haruno was civilian—they were all about manners. Strange.

Then again... it could just be his age. He was 2* years old. (His age was classified information, just like his likes, dislikes, hobbies and face.)

“Meet me on the roof in five.” He disappeared in an especially potent cloud of smoke, just to fuck with the three brats. He waited on the roof feeling the wind rippling in his hair before whipping out his favoured orange book and let the time fly by.

It was nearly twenty minutes before the orange, pink and blue brats appeared on the terrace, each with a… a steaming hot cup of instant noodles…

Slurping extra long, the blond brat offered, “Want some?”

The eyebrow hidden under his hi-tae twitched violently against the blue fabric, “Maa, I think I’m alright…” He couldn’t be sure if the little pranking demon had laced the food with laxative or something else equally as nasty.

“Well, let’s begin with introducing yourselves,” Kakashi said, pocketing his book. He surveyed the kids—and damn, they were small—“Let’s start with you blondie.”

He got three loud slurps in return.

“Never mind. I’ll start instead.” Kakashi sweatdropped. “My name is Hatake Kakashi. I have many likes, I have many dislikes and hobbies. Lots of hobbies. I have no desire whatsoever to tell you my dreams for the future.”

Instead of angry looks or growls, he received the same blank-faced looks from the classroom. “O-okay… Have you finished your food yet blondie?”

Another elongated slurp and a flash of cream coloured noodles then a loud, sudden burp. “A-OK Kakashi-sensei!” He relinquished his hold of his cup and set down his chopsticks. “My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I like—THE HOLY RAMEN—orange, foxes and my friends. I dislike…” He thought about his answer hard, eyes squinting in exertion. “The three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook and… Pedos?”

The blond earned a hard kick in the shins from his male teammate.

“Ow! That hurt!” But he continued after the rather good stink eye Uchiha gave him. “My hobbies are training, playing with Rama-chan and practising my handwriting.”

“You do that now?” Haruno questioned with a raised eyebrow. “Actually, nevermind.”

Naruto stuck his tongue out and reached for a scroll inside from the inside of his jacket. Pushing a considerable amount of chakra, which really wasn’t much when one considered the Kyuubi, and produced a small cup of… ramen (Figures.) and a thermos of hot water.

“...Your dream…?” Kakashi prodded, watching as the brat poured water into his snack. Didn’t he know that eating in front of superiors was rude?

“Ah, yeah! My dream!” Naruto set down the thermos and noodles, “My dream is to become Hokage and create world peace!”

It was interesting enough, the way that Minato-sensei and Kushina-nee-san’s child grew up. Never would have Kakashi expected that the kid would have grown up to be… just like them.

“I’ll go next,” Haruno spoke up from the other side of the cute semicircle the kids made. “My name is Haruno Sakura. I like mitarashi Dango, studying and this guy—” she jabbed her thumb at Sasuke who grunted in an ‘hn’. “I dislike puppets. They’re evil.”

The three of them shuddered almost thematically.

“My hobbies are studying and cooking?”

The shudder from the Uchiha was so violent, the jonin was nearly convinced he was having a seizure.

“What?!” She growled but the boy wisely stayed silent, “Hmph! My dream in the future is to become the world’s greatest, badass, motherfucking medic even better than Senjū Tsunade!”

...that was really unexpected. Super unexpected. Naruto had great genes working for him, so of course, he would be interesting. But Haruno Sakura? She was a weak bookworm from a civilian ninja family. While both capable shinobi, neither would be able to teach the girl the pure guts she displayed before him. At the rate it was going, Kakashi almost didn’t want to hear the Uchiha’s self-introduction.

“Alright, now broody over there?” Kakashi said.

“Hn.” He grunted.

After three beats and another long slurp of noodles, Kakashi found himself unnerved by the silence.

“Um…? Could you repeat that?”

“...hnnn.”

“Uh—”

“My gosh sensei!” Haruno interrupted, “Stop asking poor Sasuke-kun to repeat himself! He already said so much!”

“Yeah, yeah, dattebayo!” Naruto backed her up, “He already talked so much about his love of tomatoes and training!”

The triplet stares were more than just a little unnerving. And creepy. Damn these brats were creepy as hell.

“O...kay…” The copy-cat ninja said,  “Now that introductions are complete, we can start out our official duties as Shinobi tomorrow.”

Anticipating Naruto to start bouncing up and down and start pressing for details, Kakashi paused.

“Uh…” The silence really was bad for his self-esteem. Kids could be so cruel. “We’ll be doing survival training, with me as your opponent. And… out of the 27 graduates from this year, only nine are accepted as true genins! This training is actually your true exam with a fail rate of over 66.6%!”

However, instead of gasps, wide eyes or an eruption of argument, Kakashi seemed to have gotten the odd batch who simply shrugged (or slurped noodles) and said, “Well, that means we have a 33.3% chance of passing. I’ll take the odds.”

“Yeah, you said it! Sakura, we’re with you! We worked so hard, we might as well see it through!” Naruto fist pumped.

Uchiha smacked the boy in the head and growled, “Stop rhyming, you imbecile.”

“Awwwww~” The boy made pouty lips to the other, “But it’s sooooo cool, dattebayo!”

Kakashi coughed to remind the two of his presence. It was really odd to see such confidence in children. That or all the kids he had gotten before were spineless.

“Anyway, bring all your shinobi tools; kunai, shuriken, ninja wire—you name it—to Training Ground 3 at 7000 hrs... Oh, and…” He grinned wryly at the lie at the tip of his tongue, “I highly suggest not to eat breakfast. You may just end up throwing it back out.”

Still three highly attentive stares. “Um, dismissed?”

 

* * *

 

Tossing the three files into the odd but strangely well-placed bonfire situated on the side of Training Ground 3, Kakashi couldn't help but growl. Honestly, the IT department only had one job! (Or at least only one that was important to the jōnin’s current occupation.)

While his opinion of children and teaching was constant for the half a dozen years he was asked, the information given from the IT department was generally spot on with a few small variables changing due to the uncanny, unpredictability of children. However, this year, Kakashi was afraid that whoever the Yamanaka clan leader hired to scope out the academy student’s personalities was a sham. They deserved to get hit with a Katon then speared in the gut with a Rakiri because the only thing that Kakashi was sure that they got correct was their favourite foods. Even a civilian would be able to find out that much without prompting.

First and foremost was the file containing the information regarding the precious last loyal Uchiha. That boy was sure to be a truckload of problems with plenty to share due to the lack of emotional consideration the council held for their citizens, shinobi or not, it was in Kakashi’s professional opinion that the Uchiha should have had at least therapy. (Another reason he wasn’t teacher material. ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ wasn’t the best teaching method, was it?). The boy was immature, arrogant and power-hungry without any mentor or role model to follow other than the skewed image of his family left in his head.

However, after some consideration and observation (and stalking), Kakashi was quick to see that the Uchiha boy was none of those things. Rather than immature, he was polite and reasonable, able to be the bigger man in a frontal confrontation. Rather than arrogant, he was simply introverted and unsure how to interact with his peers (quite unlike Kakashi’s childhood superiority complex). And most of all, Uchiha Sasuke was content, not at all lusting for power before his time. Failing to succumb to the promise of a promotion, he was quick to cooperate with his new teammates and wasn’t at all hesitant to relinquish control to the two other fresh graduates.

After came Naruto. The son of Kakashi’s teacher had grown into a really spectacular kid. Just like his dark-haired teammate, Kakashi had no clue how he grew up to possess such an amazing personality layered with sunshine, daisies and pure adulterated happiness. Expecting stupid moves and idiotic traps, Naruto actually managed to outmaneuver his every move, manipulating each and every situation into his favour. And when he pulled out that stupid Fūinjutsu...Kakashi blamed Kushina-nee-san. But out of the three, the most surprising was definitely their final teammate; Haruno Sakura.

Generally, the academy didn’t tend to spit out civilian ninja—or kunoichi for that matter—during peacetime because the training was far more relaxed. As a result, Konoha ended up with the classes chock full of weak, useless fangirls who only knew how to pick flowers and give meagre first aid. So much for being sexist because they weren't even taught seduction for heaven’s sake!

However, his first meeting with her (and the rest of the brats) blew his mind out of the water at her incredible taijutsu skills and heavy-hitting blows. Coupled with the fact that she and her new genin brats knew how to walk on trees, seeing the pink haired girl rip her (supposedly precious) pink locks to shreds only to use it for a distraction left Kakashi wishing murder on the idiot who wrote that she was a weak bookworm.

Actually, he was ready to slowly impale them onto a pike and watch as they slowly suffered in agony with Obito’s Sharingan. If he did it properly, then he was sure that the poor sucker would feel every painful moment for the next week before dying due to the pain and blood loss. Somehow, he was sure the Hokage would not agree.

It was one thing that they had passed, it was another that he was dripping head to toe with… paint, orange, red and blue paint to be exact. Three guesses to the culprits? Well, Kakashi was at least happy that his precious orange book was saved from the chaos of flying colours (other than the three blobs of each which lined the inside of the first page). It was a special edition signed copy which the masked ninja had to stand in line for three hours in a special henge. Needless to say, it’s continued survival made his jump for joy.

 

* * *

 

Measuring the angle of the sun to the memorial stone, Kakashi judged it to be just before 1400 hrs and about time for him to show up in front of the Sandiame. He grimaced at his dirty uniform and the humiliation he was about to receive from his fellow jōnins, however, he made a promise a long time ago that he would never be more than three hours late for a meeting with his superiors. The promise made with a different leader, but still applied heavy to the very day and Kakashi all but teleported to the Hokage’s office, hoping not to be seen by anyone (especially Gai).

After a too short trip, Kakashi was before the simple yet elegant door to the Hokage office. The door was once very extravagant, he had heard once when he was smaller, however, after many Katon from Uchiha Madara, Sūiton from Senjū Tobirama, and a bunch of other miscellaneous attacks over several decades, the door was replaced with a cheap alternative lacking all the artisan carvings. Despite all this minimalistic design, Kakashi couldn't help but feel his paranoia spike up uncontrollably. If he were to open the door, there would be no going back.

From what? Kakashi was not keen to find out, however, over two decades of ninja service had taught the dog summoner that risks were sometimes necessary and inevitably unavoidable.

“Yo!” Kakashi grinned, entering the room to what would probably been his own doom, “Sorry I’m late. A black cat—”

“—crossed your path and you had to take the long way, right?” A red-eyed kūnoichi, Yūhi Kurenai, if Kakashi was correct, a genjutsu specialist.

He shrugged in response then continued, “Actually, I was going to say splashed me with blue paint then his redhead and blonde friends attacked me too.”

The Hokage chuckled in that slow agonising way that the elderly did, and smiled grandfatherly, “Why Kakashi, you’re actually right on time, we were just about to mention you. However, I wasn’t expecting you for another two and a half hours… or dripping in paint.”

The jōnin glanced at his red stained feet and the multicoloured footsteps trailing into the room. “Eh… occupational hazard?” he asked sheepishly, glad that he continued to wear his black mask even until adulthood, despite the Hatake law only requiring it until Chūnin. Taking out his favourite book from his pocket Kakashi continued, “Regardless, because I’m already here, I’ll give my report.”

“Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto pass the bell test,” he droned, ignoring some of the gasps from the other sensei, “Haruno displayed strong taijutsu and use of chakra control. If willing, she would be a perfect frontlines doctor like Senjū Tsunade.”

From the corner of his eye, Kakashi saw the Chūnin instructor, formerly in charge of his new students, frown. The wrinkle in his nose scrunched up his horizontal scar which admittedly was actually quite cute—nononono, no. No more improper thoughts about colleagues. Anko was more than enough.

Kakashi made sure that his eyes did not trail away from the three coloured blobs at the corner of his page. “Uchiha proved to be the top of his class, using quick reflexes and impressive use of his Katon. In the future, he could be a versatile Ninjutsu master and even a Genjutsu specialist once he awakens his Sharingan. And finally Uzumaki Naruto…”

Feeling tension building up in the room due to the mention of the boy Kakashi was pressed to finish, “Uzumaki, while originally seen to be dense and reckless, proved that he can possibly shine as a trap specialist as he utilised not only an impressive knowledge of Fūinjutsu but also managed to fool me into thinking that he was a simple idiot.” Kakashi felt the embarrassment welling inside from his gut due to his blunder. Better, older and more experienced shinobi had fallen from a similar lack of foresight, but he should have known better. “It is also possible that he either has increased senses or can sense chakra as he was able to locate me observing them from outside. If this talent is honed, then he may also be a great tracker.”

The Hokage hummed as he took in the information, withdrawing his pipe from his mouth, he exhaled a long stream of smoke. “This is quite unexpected…” He sighed, old age showing even more than before, “Team 7 has always been composed of a band of misfits… however, this year, it seems that this team will work better than ever.”

“Hokage-sama, if I may,” Kakashi said politely even though his eyes never trailed from his book, “I believe that Team 7 would most highly benefit Konoha as a Relief Team.”

“...Are you sure?” The Hokage made eye contact with Kakashi and never once did the younger man deny the power he saw hiding under the surface of those pools. “There hasn’t been a proper Relief Team since…”

Kakashi gritted his teeth behind his mask. He already knew. It was nearly 13 ago when he, Rin and Obito had been drawn together to form a Relief Team consisting of a Tracker, Medic and Ninjutsu specialist respectively.

The Hokage coughed and wisely avoided completing the sentence. “Very well, Team 7 will be a Relief Team. Team 8?”

The Yūhi woman stepped up with a nod. She was definitely a new jōnin, heightened by the tenseness of her shoulders.

”Team 8 will be a Tracking Team as planned. Hinata is proficient in her clan techniques. While she is still in her shell, I feel that being in this team will slowly let her gain confidence. Kiba and Akamaru are the same however they have the opposite problem if being too boisterous. Shino, on the other hand, is antisocial and he and Kiba got into fights constantly but his clan techniques are developing nicely.”

”Thank you Kurenai-kun.” Naruto nodded. ”As Team 9 is still in circulation, Team 10?”

The Hokage’s second son stepped forward, the casual slump of his shoulders not different from Kakashi’s own. ”Eh… Team 10 is the second generation Ino-Shika-Cho is a boom, however…” He took a drag of his cigarette. ”They’re not very motivated. Ino only thinks of boys, Choji only thinks of food and Shikamaru’s head is always in the clouds. But they’ll get there. Eventually.”

”Team 11?”

A shake of the head.

”Team 12? 13? 14? 15?” Each was met with a negative sign of affirmation.

With another puff, the Sandaime slumped into his seat. “Only three teams?” With only silence as a response, he seemed to sit deeper and deeper into his chair until he was swallowed whole. “The numbers are getting less and less every year…”

Kakashi was no stranger to the longing look the man cast upon his figure then saw as he cast another look to the portrait of Sensei laying flushed against the door. With another puff of smoke from the pipe, the jōnin were dismissed and Kakashi was left with a heavy feeling in his heart.

Mouth dry and mouth failing, Kakashi had nothing to say that could comfort their aging leader. The bad taste seemed to worsen with every step of the way. But he was only one jōnin. One exceptionally talented jōnin, but a jōnin nevertheless and the only way the Hokage could finally rest would be to have a successor take the hat. Kage level shinobi were far and few in between. The closest matches would be Jiraiya and Senjū Tsunade of the Sannin, however, both were forever ostracised from the village. If only Minato-sensei were alive. Or even Obito who always—badbadbadbadbad thoughts.

Kakashi couldn’t think of the lives he ruined just to save his own skin. He couldn’t think of the children whose lives would be ruined just by being in his presence.

_Those who disobey the rules are trash, but those who abandon their friends are worse than trash._


	2. In Which Misunderstandings and Delusional Thinking Somehow Become the Norm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day on the job... does it go well? 
> 
> Kakashi was just glad that they were bothered enough to show up.

Despite being told to come train at 6am sharp, each and every member of Team 7 knew for a fact that their sensei was a jackass and despite how serious he acted at the time, wouldn’t be at Training Ground 3 until at least 8am. (Even if he was, Sakura figured it was payback time).

Humming a nonsensical tune to herself, the medic ninja practically skipped towards the ghostly Uchiha compound, basket in hand, ready to feed the poor, antisocial Uchiha breakfast. She did need to show some sort of resemblance to her younger self other than the ghastly pink hair and prepubescent voice and she did want to feed her boyfriend a healthy selection of something other than tomatoes.

However, the moment she steered herself into the compound’s heavy, metal gates, she smelt the horrible ash-filled scent of something burning in the air. Worry evident in her brow, Sakura picked up the pace, sending jolts of chakra in little pistons at the soles of her feet yet still careful enough to protect her creation.

The next moment could only be considered as one full of pain. Pain not for Sakura but for the two _idiots_ who decided using the abandoned Uchiha buildings as fuel for their massive BONFIRE was acceptable!

“WHAT THE BLOODY #$%^@%#*$#^!$^%@ $^@#!(@# ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?!”

Both boys froze their actions. Sasuke had an alarmed look on his face as he lowered his hands from their dragon seal (obviously the cause of the fire), Naruto, on the other hand, was sheepishly killing off the flow of wind chakra towards flames which fed them with the energy to grow to impossibly heights. Impossibly stupid heights.

Smacking each in the head (the Uchiha a bit harder because she had forgiven his defection, it didn’t means she forgot it), she dragged them under her arms and threw them into the house which Sakura knew once belonged to a well-known Uchiha grinch.

“Fix your heads and this mess!” She snared at the two. “I can’t believe I made breakfast for you at 5am…” She muttered to herself. She just wanted one thing, _one!_ The medic must have been a mass-murderer or a cannibal to have such… wonderful luck, stuck with five idiots (if one were to count Kakashi-sensei, Yamato-sensei and Sai).

Groaning, her two boys picked themselves out of the rubble and reluctantly began putting out all the fires. Naruto, being the overpowered idiot without control, simply overcharged his original wind jutsu and exhausted all of the fire’s oxygen while Sasuke borrowed water from the nearby lake to douse the flaming pieces of wood.

Raising an eyebrow, Sakura realised, “Naruto, why are you here?”

Not bothering to stop his original task, he replied, “He lives here, dattebayo. Of course I’m gonna be here too.”

This sent Sakura’s newly preteenage brain into overload. Naruto. Sasuke. Living. TOGETHER.

THERE WAS NO WAY IN ALL THE ELEMENTAL NATIONS SHE COULD COMPETE!

Haha, a girl? Sure, if the world chucked Ino, Karin or even the friggin’ MIZUKAGE, Sakura would top. Sakura would definitely top them all. But Naruto? Naruto was… Naruto—he could get the most frigid, straight old geezer to lust after him with a passion.

“Eh?” Naruto’s (really pretty now that she thought about it) eyes clouded in worry, “Sakura-chan, why are you crying? Did some of the ash get into your eyes?”

She sniffed, dabbing her eyes of the tears. “Shut up dumbass! It’s none of your business!” Sakura snapped, she could just see it. Naruto and Sasuke, together in a beautiful two story house complete with a shiny white picket fence and perfectly manicured green lawn. They would be so happy together and there would be no _stupid_ Sakura getting in the way of their _perfect_ relationship. “I’m going home.”

“Eh? S-Sakura? B-but—!”

She didn’t want to listen any longer and turned heel back in the direction she came from. Running with a hammering heart and breathless determination she shut out both her teammate’s calls out from her mind.

* * *

“...Where’s Sakura?” Sasuke looked around for his wife (to-be). She had gotten angry at the sight of the pair burning the old empty buildings and unleashed her unrighteous fury. (He had to admit that that crease between her eyebrows and the clarity in her emerald eyes coupled with the flexing of her biceps was a beautiful sight that couldn’t be explained in any amount of words).

What she didn’t know was that Sasuke had already talked it over with Naruto and Tsunade several weeks prior to burn down the buildings of the traitorous Uchiha elders who encouraged the whole coup idea that brought the downfall of the clan. The only problem was that one of the bastards had left a canister of gas in their house and resulted in the explosion of flames that lit up the compound that morning.

“...I think she may be at that time of the month.” Naruto said, “She was all like, ‘Why are you here?’ And I’m all like, ‘Dude, Katsu-kun lives here now. Why you here?’ Then she just started tearing up! And I’m like ‘Woah. Did I do that?” And I felt her chakra spike into the negative zone and slowly sink lower, and lower and—”

Ignoring the rambling and bad impressions of his wife (to be), he contemplated on the recounted exchange that Naruto had with Sakura. Head snapping up with realisation, Sasuke gave his best friend a lump to match the one the pink haired girl gave him earlier and snarled, “You idiot!”

Leaving the dobe back in the dust next to the bonfire of burning buildings, he ignored the annoyed statement of “Again? Why is everyone leaving me here?!”

He had a wife to catch.

* * *

Kakashi arrived at Training Ground 3 at precisely 9am. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, Icha Icha was calling and there was only one brat basking in the sun in front of him.

“Hey Kaka-sensei!” Naruto called, waving his hand, “How are ya?”

“...Where are Sakura and Sasuke?” He asked.

“I’m so glad you asked!” He smiled, “This morning was such a mess! Or rather last night and this morning?” Naruto shrugged uncaringly. “Whatever.”

“How… nice.” The amount of words that came out per second were amazing. Just like Kushina-nee-san.

“So last night I decided that Sasuke looked lonely, y’know living in that _big, empty_ compound with no one. So I decided to get his a rabbit. Now I know, I know, rabbits are known to die from loneliness. That’s why I got him not one… not two… but four rabbits! See!” Instead of a glossy picture, Naruto shoved three little rabbits into Kakashi’s face, each different in colour. Naruto himself had a light brown coloured rabbit peeking out the folds of his black jacket with an equally evil look on it’s supposedly innocent face. “And—and he said he was going to eat the poor things! So I decided that I must protect the little rabbit’s innocence! You agree right? RIGHT KAKASHI-SENSEI?!”

Nodding slightly in order to get the boy and the offending rabbits away, the one-eyed man took a step backwards to get a little more distance between the two.  

“Then we decided to fight, why? Because we’re boys and idiots and that’s what we do, dattebayo. Shove our testosterone down each other’s throats! We took it outside so we didn’t destroy Sasuke’s house but the teme ended up chucking a Katon into the house of one of the dead elders. But, but he didn’t get mad and instead decided to throw the whole district area into flames because, because he said; ‘the elders were creepy anyway.’” Naruto wailed, “But then Sakura came! And smashed our heads into a wall. Then she was all like, ‘Why are you here?’ And I’m all like, ‘Dude, Katsu-kun lives here now. Why you here?’ Then she just started tearing up! And I’m like ‘Woah. Did I do that?” And I felt her chakra spike into the negative zone and slowly sink lower, and lower and—… And then she ran away crying!”

By this time, Kakashi had already tuned the boy out with the wonderful cries of his Icha Icha Paradise.His insane rambling made no sense to the Jōnin and Kakashi was afraid what it would mean if he did.

“—Kaka-sensei! What do I doooooo!” Naruto moaned, latching onto the man’s leg. The person in question recoiled slightly on the inside at the sight of the dripping fluids coming out of the jinchuriki’s orifices.

“Maa, maa,” Kakashi smiled, “first you can go and—” he gestured to his leg a bit helplessly.

“—YOU’RE RIGHT!” Naruto yelled but instead of letting go of his new teacher’s leg, he just hung on tighter. “Quick, hold my babies!”

Into Kakashi’s unsuspecting hands were three of the tiny rabbits, one white, one purplish and a contrasting little thing with black fur. “H-hey!” They were so warm and soft but their hearts were beating and beating and beating and beating—

“THANKSKAKA-SENSEIYOU’RETHEBESTTHANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!”

“What do I do with this?” Kakashi bemoaned. First he actually managed to pass a team. Sure, they knew what teamwork mean, but they were little _devils_ from the depth of hell. They didn’t even show up to training, even after he appeared three hours late!

He stared at the little rabbit who was wound up against left thumb. It’s white fur tickled the exposed skin but even worse were those beady, red eyes seemed to convey _Welcome-to-my-life-sucker_. Damn, that look was so annoying.

(Little did he know that he generally had a similar look of half-lidded coolness on his face most days.)

The other two rabbits seemed to be completely ignoring Kakashi’s new presence and were completely content to snuggle up together into a mesh of black and lilac fur. While on a completely different spectrum, their PDA brought out a new type of frustration in the Jōnin’s head.

Self-control boiling over the limit, Kakashi dropped the rabbits (a bit gently because he wasn’t _that_ cruel—well, only to animals anyway) onto the grass and huffed as they they began to crowd around his sandals. Their soft fur was a bit too fine and tickled against his feet when the wind blew. Frowning, Kakashi pulled out his porn, decided that the only time being wasted belonged to his brats. He _was_ getting paid to babysit them, after all.

* * *

If anyone asked Mizuki which student he thought would’ve failed the academy exam, the Chūnin would’ve hands down shouted to the heavens ‘Uzumaki Naruto’ (then perhaps graffiti the Hokage monument with said answer if it weren’t for the fact that the brat did the exact same thing several days prior).

Uzumaki was not supposed to pass.

This impeded his plans. It hindered his grand scheme of deliver Orochimaru-sama the Scroll of Sealings and frame the Kyūbi-brat at the same time because _he was not supposed to pass_.

By now, Mizuki had fantasized himself galavanting at the side of Orochimaru where he would serve as right-hand man until he gained enough power from his mentor to surpass him and from there he would be go down in history as the most powerful man in the world! ...and then get a wife and three kids and settle down in Tea Country with a quaint but efficient farm.

Where was he now? Sitting inside a semi-popular teahouse owned by a retired shinobi which served the best dango in this side of Fire Country instead of running for his life with the forbidden scroll to Orochimaru’s lair. Without the scroll, Mizuki knew that Orochimaru-sama  would want nothing to do with him. Despite all of his delusions of grandeur, the chunin knew that he was nowhere as skilled as he’d like and would most likely get killed in his attempt to dessert the village by the hunter ninja if he was lucky or tortured alive by the tree-hugging crazies.

With the term done, Kyubi-brat free, and Iruka in charge of the remedial class, Mizuki was left with nothing to do and nowhere to go. He was left with nothing but the tossing and turning ideas of defecting rolling around in his brain over and over and over and over and over and over and—

All the stress was making Mizuki’s silver hair take an odd white gleam in certain lights and the soft, chewy texture of his dango made him want to gag instead of joyfully gulp his mouthful down.

So instead of dwelling on his churning thoughts (or throwing up his food), he observed the people around him. It was just like a stake-out, just not official, less hidden and far more obvious. Most notably was the sight of the Tokubetsu Jōnin, Mitarashi Anko, who appeared in the store at least once every day (unless she was on a mission of sorts).

While, loud, insane and completely unrelatable, Mitarashi could be considered a sort of idol to Mizuki because she managed to win Orochimaru-sama’s favour at one point, despite losing it. And that was far better than Mizuki could say about himself.

Due to her consistency, Mizuki was able to tell that she always bought five sticks of dango with exactly four white balls on each. She would always eat her dango with sweet red bean paste instead of mitarashi sauce like most would and never failed to order at least another 3 rounds along with a cup of green tea.

There were others in the store too, less regular patrons would were less flashy and faded into the background. However, it seemed like Mitarashi was practically funding the store itself. And the Chunin was sure that if she could, she would have bought the place by now.

But the brightly lit Tuesday morning sun did not bring the scantily clad woman into the teahouse but rather a familiar head of shocking pink hair and a face scrunched up in ugly, genuine tears of sadness.

Sakura practically stomped into the shop, cries just a bare level over a newborn kitten’s mewls and ordered a set of triple coloured dango with tea. Sitting down at a table near Mizuki, the chunin watched as the water streamed down her face in a terribly unlady-like fashion as she gnawed at her food, ripping them off the bamboo sticks.

Feeling his heartstrings tug at the sight of the heartbroken girl, he rose from his kneeling position and moved to tap her shuddering shoulders.

In a moment that ended far too soon, Mizuki was thrown into the air and smacked harshly onto the table in a perfectly executed Ippon Seoinage (One Arm Shoulder Throw). His back flared red with pain and his head rattled in his head.

“Oh my god!” The preteen squealed, eyes still red but no longer pouring out tears, “Mizuki-sensei are you alright?!”

Said teacher groaned as he lifted his head to see his former top student dab her eyes with a green handkerchief. “I-I’m ok…” He said, finding the strength to pull himself up. The actual move did not really hurt, but the shock of the weak little girl being able to pick up a 70kg ninja rattled his brain and he subtly checked if he was under some sort of prank genjutsu. (Mizuki had seen the latest Genjutsu mistress on the block, Yuuhi Kurenai’s icy glare when she was cat called across the teahouse and wouldn’t put it past the woman to show mysognic men what kunoichi could do).

Trying to salvage whatever pride he had yet Mizuki spoke, “You must have one hell of a teacher to have learnt such a powerful move in… one day. You team must be equally as great.” For the life of him, Mizuki could not remember the placement of any of this batch’s green genin. The shock of the Kyuubi-brat… passing had shell-shocked him into a day at the Hospital.

She laughed sadly, “Kakashi-sensei is a pervert and… and S—” Then proceeded to continue crying into her hands.

All of Mizuki’s paternal (maternal) instincts went on a red alert. Only one day out of the academy and sweet Haruno Sakura was had already been molested by her pervert of a teacher?! This was an injustice of the system. Men like whoever the heck her teacher was should never be let near women! Nevertheless, young, impressionable girls. Every fibre of his body growled at Mizuki to get out of the stupid teashop he had been wallowing in self-pity for the last lew days, march to the Hokage and give him a long, hard piece of his mind. Never in his life would he believe that a Konoha ninja, one of their own could be horribly mistreated like innocent Sakura.

Just like one would approach a small animal, Mizuki moved to sit next to the weeping girl, resting another tentatively firm hand on her upper back and giving her slight comfort.

Then, just like a dam breaking. Mizuki remembered. This was the reason why he was a ninja. This was the reason why he was a teacher. This was the reason why he decided to devote his life to taking care of the next generation.

To care and nurture the—

“SAKURA!”

And for the second time, the chunin’s stomach tumbled and he was sent flying into the air, past the garden and straight into the pond. Like a dying cat, he managed to crawl his way out of the tepid water which did nothing to but threaten a cold in the autumn chill and felt his eyes widen into saucers when he saw the face of his assaulter.

Sasuke Uchiha growled menacingly, as he put the pink-haired kunoichi behind him protectively, strangely enough not in the usual Uchiha Counter Fist that the boy usually sported.

“Sasuke!” Sakura cried back, eyes darkening with tears.

Or so Mizuki thought as she wrenched his ear is a painful looking twist and slammed the boy’s head into the table.

“What the HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” She yelled so loud that it seemed to echo throughout the whole of Konoha.

The boy grunted, head still having an impromptu meeting with the wooden table. After 3 or so seconds of glaring into each other’s eyes, Sakura released Sasuke and hurriedly made her way towards Mizuki.

“Mizuki-sensei, are you ok?” She held out a hand to let her former teacher push himself back onto his feet. Disorientated, he nodded, then sneezed. “Oh no!” She cried, “I’ll get you some towels.” And she disappeared back into the teashop.

Despite her terrifying display, Mizuki paid the girl no attention. Rather, his eyes were glued to the blank stare on the Uchiha’s face that mad Mizuki’s blood run cold despite it’s frantic, terror-struck beats. Then, even more horrifying was when he tilted his lips up into a satanic grin.

Mizuki had never teleported away faster.

* * *

When Sakura appeared back to the scene, Mizuki-sensei was gone. Doubtfully, she slowly scanned the teahouse for any new sign of damage—especially fire or lightning damage. But, to her surprise, other than the new cracks on the cypress lowtable, the place was clean.

But the lack of buffer between the two reminded the kunoichi of the original wound and the silence made it even worse as she kept her eyes grounded.

It was only after three sluggish pauses before Sasuke said, “Sakura. Don’t cry.”

And Sakura couldn’t help but cry a little bit harder as her tears blurred her vision, completely obscuring the dark haired boy from her view. With no more than a gentle sigh, Sakura was enveloped by two arms (ha, two. How strange is that?) which pressed her head into her teammate’s chest.

_Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…_

_“_ I hate you.” Sakura ground out, wrapping her own arms around her boyfriend’s torso. “I hate you and your stupid pretty boy looks…”

“Hn...”

“I hate your stupid fixation on hatred and inability to see that you’re loved.”

“Hn…”

“I hate your stupid gentle smiles and stupid, stupid forehead pokes.”

“Hn…”

“I hate that I love you so much.”

“...I love you too Sakura.” Sasuke whispered into her hair, “And you’re even more beautiful than the moon.”

* * *

The moment Naruto stepped out of the training ground, a fist buried itself into his cheek and sent him flying ten meters back into the scrawling dirt. Not sparing even a moment, he hurriedly checked poor little Rayu-chan for injuries, ignoring the sharp pain and spitting out the tooth which unhinged itself from his jaw.

“Oh, thank the heavens you’re alright!” He sighed, petting his fingers through her apricot fur. “I thought you might’ve gotten injured.”

Standing up and dusting off the dirt, Naruto immediately put himself on defense, knowing how hard the probably-time-of-the-month-girl hit. Despite how terrified he was of the medic, Naruto knew that as Hokage he’d need to stand his ground despite the legions of PMSing women who wanted to give him a piece of their mind.

“Naruto…” She rumbled out, slowing making her way towards her quaking teammate. “You…”

And unexpectedly—just as odd as seeing Sasuke wearing pink or Kakashi-sensei finally showing his damned face—Sakura bowed low and shouted, “I’m really sorry for getting mad at you!”

This action was so unexpected (and _un-Sakura_ ) that for the next three seconds, he did nothing but gape right at her face.

Sakura scowled and turned away from the boy, “Get that stupid look off your face before it freezes on your face.”

Snapping out of his stupor, Naruto shook his head. He supposed that his theory on Sakura’s swinging really, truly was correct because he wasn’t sure that anyone other than a PMSing woman could swap so many moods in two hours.

“Uh... So…” Naruto fumbled, running confused hands through Rayu’s hair, “A-are we ok?”

She rolled her eyes at him with an _are-you-really-serious_ look, “It was a misunderstanding. My fault, really. I thought _you_ were going to live with Sasuke.”

Then it dawned on Naruto. A great, super, awesome idea that would blow up in everyone’s faces just like when he decided to deface the Hokage monument one last time in atomic orange paint.

“WE SHOULD ALL MOVE INTO SASUKE’S HOUSE!” Naruto exclaimed, “I mean, it all makes sense. Why did I go through all the trouble of finding four male rabbits to keep Sasuke’s duck-butt hair company when _we_ can do it instead, dattebayo!”

Sakura spluttered and grew red in the face. “W-What? That would be i-improper!”

“Eh… Oh yeah, you’re a girl!” Naruto realised. His medic teammate was so manly sometimes, especially with the size of her biceps… or at least the size her biceps were _going_ to be. “I guess I can just move in with Sasuke then—”

“—NO!”

“...I’ll take the damn rabbit, Naruto.” Sasuke sighed, body language defeated by eyes never straying from Sakura’s side.

The blond smirked but immediately covered up his devious little expression with a wide, carefree grin. It seemed like ploy _get-Sasuke-a-pet_ worked, and it worked well.

“Great!” He dropped Rayu-chan into his dark-haired teammate’s outstretched hand. “I left Katsu-kun, Ume-kun and Sanma-kun with Kakashi-sensei, LET’S GO, DATTEBAYO!!!!”

“...There’s more than one?”

* * *

It was nearly noon by the time Kakashi’s new brats appeared on the horizon and nearly six hours _after_ he specified. Despite being as annoyed as he was, there was an odd light feeling that persisted in his chest seeing his three new brats copy him. That, or it was just the sight of the three adorable little bunnies happily nuzzling each other’s cheeks under the sun. Kakashi wasn’t really sure which.

“HEYYYYYYY! KAKA-SENSEI!” Naruto yelled out from the otherside of the clearing. The jonin could feel his eardrums quaking uncontrollably from the amount of decibels. “I got them!”

His two teammates looked slightly sheepish as they trailed behind the blond, barely a beat behind however neither was very sorry for leaving their poor teacher without students to teach.

“Maa, maa…” Kakashi smiled, he was, after all, simply a glorified babysitter. It wasn’t _his_ time they were wasting. “Now that we’re all together, I guess we can go get a mission.”

“Really?!” Naruto exclaimed and fist pumped the air. “Yes! What are we still doing here? Let’s goooooooooooo—”

Thankfully, Sasuke grabbed the hyperactive boy’s collar and prevented him from running away. “Naruto.” And with that one word, the only _actual_ word Kakashi swore he’d heard him say, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki stilled but couldn’t extinguish the glimmer of excitement in his eyes.

On the inside, Kakashi couldn’t help but cackle with glee. He couldn’t wait to see how they fared with the menial household chores they were about to do.

* * *

…

Kakashi couldn’t believe it. Kakashi _wouldn’t_ believe it.

Instead of complaining—instead of whining… all three of his little devils bowed to the Hokage respectfully and quietly made their way out. He expected all of them to rise up about how they were _ninjas and ninjas don’t do housework_!

No, instead the three brats happily _skipped_ (even SASUKE) to the house where their client laid waiting for the team to paint his new picket fence in a blinding white. They happily greeted the middle aged woman despite the glare she shot at Naruto’s face and retrieved the supplied paint.

“Hm?” Kakashi creased his eyebrow. “Why aren’t there more brushes?”

Naruto grinned as an answer and picked up the sole brush. With surprisingly steady movements he scribbled something onto the fence. Kakashi sure hoped he hadn’t vandalised the woman’s property in a movement of passive aggressive revenge. D-Ranks weren’t just for team bonding but also to give genins experience in dealing with clients. It helped that some, like this woman, weren’t exactly friendly and were a taste of the future clients who were far less ‘nice’.

However, contrary to the one-eyed man’s first thoughts, the writing was neither scribbles or vandals. It was _fuinjutsu_. And holy mother of all living things, despite knowing Naruto could do fuinjutsu, watching him do fuinjutsu, getting _hit_ by said fuinjutsu, Kakashi still couldn’t get used to the fact that Uzumaki Naruto did fuinjutsu. It just… didn’t seem to equate with the bright, loudmouth boy wearing the orange pants. (What type of ninja wears _orange_?)

“Oi, Sasuke! Can you use a katon and dry the paint? It’s thicker than I expected.”

“Hn.”

“What do you mean ‘ _I’m caring for the rabbits’?_ They’re not going anywhere!”

“Hn.”

“They’re only for when you’re lonely! Sakura and I are here, you can’t be lonely!”

“Hn.”

“ _Oh!_ You’re so right! I could totally do that, dattebayo!”

The one sided conversation _somehow_ just worked. Never once was Kakashi glad that his own Uchiha teammate was capable of stringing his syllables into understandable sentences, albeit stupid ones.

“Futon!” And Naruto’s turbulent chakra held in the air before condensing into his throat. Kakashi felt like he was watching his raikiri in slow motion, aware but unable to stop the destruction that was about to happen.

Yet, instead of the super-explosion he expected from the density of the chakra, a light cool breeze floated out of the blond’s mouth and attacked the paint into hardening. Kakashi wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad one that a newbie genin could use his nature affinity with such ease. Even worse, it was the one most likely to start a riot.

Sakura wandered towards her friend holding the 5 litre tin with ease that was unheard of from such thin looking arms (they looked more like sticks with hands if Kakashi was being honest). She handed him the container which he nearly dropped once she relinquished her hold of it.

“Sakura!”

“ _Naruto_.” She mimicked, rolling her eyes, “Get muscles.” Which was even stranger considering that Naruto’s arms were far bigger than her little twigs.

Naruto stuck his tongue at her. “Stop being so rude or you can paint the fence the _hard_ way.”

She scoffed but backed off, leaving Kakashi to see what this _easy_ way would bring. Naruto hummed lightly and pressed the tin to the seal, and activated it. Instead of an explosion of paint explosion which seemed to typical Naruto behaviour (Kakashi swore he could still _taste_ the paint in his mouth) the tin was sucked into the seal with a puff of smoke.

The jonin couldn’t hide his surprise well enough from the blond and felt his embarrassment burn against the back of his mask. He was a jonin, damnit. He obviously must have been getting sloppy because Naruto’s presence was so familiar.

(Unlike popular belief, Kakashi did not _abandon_ Naruto as a baby. Rather he would visit in his porcelain fox mask twice a week, if not more. The boy just did not know the real identity of his Kitsune-nii-chan and promptly forgot him once Kakashi’s schedule packed itself with assassinations and other stupid missions.)

“Hn?” Sasuke appeared to Sakura’s right, hands occupied in the fur of his new rabbits who seemed to be everywhere, there was even one in his hair!

“Yes, yes.” Naruto waved off, pulling a calligraphy brush from the inside of his jacket. “I’m getting there. Stop pushing me, teme.”

Then proceeded to bite his thumb. Kakashi’s heart jolted and it took all two decades of shinobi training to restrain himself from smacking the kid on the head and mothering his wound (Naruto was the closest thing Kakashi had left of his human pack. He wasn’t allowed to get injured). Instead, the man watched idly with one eye as the blond boy dipped his brush into his own blood and began to write a rapid but neat character in the centre of his work.

“Nuri?” Kakashi questioned, “Paint?”

Naruto shot back a wild grin then activated his seal. “Fuin!” He cheered as the character light up in the noon sun and the white writings seemed to shiver on the wood, slowly but surely spinning inwards like drawn by gravity. When the pigment seemed to converge into itself to meet at one point, it exploded in a cloud of orange smoke.

Kakashi couldn’t help but cough and wheeze (he swore some went up his nose) at the smell of smoke which assaulted his sensitive nostrils. However, he still had his pride as a shinobi (or at least he thought he did) and covered up his discomfort with a feigned clear of his throat. Thankfully, Naruto had the decency to look apologetic.

“There!” He threw out his hands to gesture to the fence, “One painted and dried fence at your service, dattebayo!”

Kakashi carefully inspected the picket fence. The paint job looked almost professional with the thickness and colour being the same consistency all around. Even better, the tale-tell smell of new paint was almost non-existent and barely noticeable to the jōnin’s sensitive nose.

“…Maa…” Kakashi scratched his head, “I guess it works.”

Naruto jumped and fist pumped the air, “Yahoo! It works!”

“…Naruto.”

“Yes, sensei?”

“…Was this seal properly tested?”

“…”

“…Naruto”

“Hahaha… uh, no?”

“You’re getting a pay cut.”

“W-WHAT?! B-but—! MY RAMEN!”

“Safety first, young one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You're more beautiful than the moon" - apparently a traditional indirect Japanese way to say 'I love you'. Apparently.
> 
> 塗る – Nuru, to paint, coat or varnish
> 
> Btw, please do note I do NOT know Japanese (or Chinese) and have no idea if that's accurate. I used google translate. 
> 
> Speaking of which.... This is bad procrastination. I'm writing this right before my French exam and I haven't really studied TT^TT 
> 
> I need help, like divine help.


	3. In Which Kakashi’s Students are Charming Little Devils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their efficiency is honestly a bit scary, that is something Kakashi’s come to realise quickly. But even when they’re doing nothing... Kakashi knows that SOMETHING EVIL is going on in their heads. 
> 
> And no, he is not being paranoid.

It had been three weeks, three _whole_ weeks and Kakashi was sure that by now all the other genin hated his team and him by extension. Why, one may ask? It was all due to the increasing lack of anything _other_ than the Tora mission as Team 7 decided the best way to bond was to clear the village of anything even remotely D-rank. Even the Uchiha, Sasuke, was in arms with this cause and Kakashi had seen him help an elderly lady across a road.

(If that didn’t remind him of Obito, Kakashi wasn’t sure what could. The sight itself was a horrid mix of uplifting joy smushed together with a sinking horror.)

The day before, Kakashi’s family jewels were threatened by the Ice Queen Yuhi herself as she attempted to cripple him for “holding back the students”. Luckily, Asuma was able to hold her down long enough for Kakashi to make a quick shunshin-assisted getaway from her clawing hands.

His hurry to separate himself from his fellow jōnin’s presence ultimately led to this  in-not-a-good-way heart-racing experience of being compressed into the cute Chunin who happened to be his brat’s former teacher.

“Hatake...san?” The man said breathlessly in wonder, pupils widened in shock. But with the limited space they had, Kakashi moved his finger in the universal shut-the-hell-up-or-we’re-dead sign.

Eyes locked together and seemed to reach an understanding as an enraged scream found itself echoing in the distance. The two ninja stayed absolutely silent, both drawing from their early shinobi training of stealth in order to not get caught practically molesting each other in the store cabinet.

(They were basically doing so with Kakashi’s body draped over the other man’s shorter but stockier build, head resting on the broad shoulder. Arms were either side of the Chunin’s head and so close they almost boxed the man in. It certainly did not help that the teacher’s legs were folded awkwardly to one side, leaving his knees to poke painfully into Kakashi’s side.)

After what seemed a lifetime of regulating breathing and stilled movement, the enraged voice (along with the calmer drawl that Kakashi knew was Asuma) moved away, still swearing vengeance, but far, far away from the Hatake family jewels. Kakashi relaxed slightly and pushed the cabinet’s door open with his side. Next, in what was probably stolen from one of those cheesy romance novels, the two men tumbled into a undignified heap of messed limbs sprawled in the hallway.

“I-I am s-so very terribly sorry Hatake-san!” The teacher squeaked, peeling himself off the other’s chest.

Kakashi just couldn’t process the information fast enough with the way his heart hammered in his chest and cheeks seemed to overheat with excess energy. He stole one last glance at the chunin’s flushed face and his brain decided that the weird uplifting feeling was just too much to take.

(He was just glad that Yuhi Kurenai wasn’t there to see him faint).

* * *

 

“Oh my holy ramen bowls!” Naruto wailed at his bedside, “Kakashi-sensei’s dying!”

There was a bouquet of azaleas strewn along the white sheets. Kakashi sure hoped that the boy either didn’t know the true meaning of the flowers or simply asked the clerk for help because the meaning “family devotion” sure didn’t suit Kakashi’s cowardly mug.

“Cha!” Sakura smacked her blond teammate on the back of the head and Kakashi noticed that her arms were starting to get bigger, “Sensei’s too much of a jackass to die.”

Yikes. Blunt but unfortunately the truth.

“Hn.” There was Sasuke’s constant response

“...Sorry, that was uncalled for.” Sakura muttered and after these three months, Kakashi was still in awe of their ability to understand the boy’s mono-syllable answers.

Sasuke reached to his left shoulder and pulled Sanma, the white sassy rabbit into his hands. Grabbing his teacher’s wrist, he forced him to open lotus palmed and efficiently deposited the white ball of fluff into the man’s hold.

“E-eh? W-wait, Sasuke-kun, I’m not really sure—” he stammered, feeling the animal’s heartbeat soar up to unimaginably high levels.

“...hn.”

Kakashi forced a laugh and a wry grin, “I’m sorry to break it to you but I’ve never understood the Uchiha dialect.”

Instead of a glare or scoff, Naruto stepped in and translated; “Animal Therapy. Sakura’s been teaching Sasuke about it _all_ month! Did you know that according to recent studies from the Land of Tea that exposure to pets can improve mental health? A range of patients all over the country were asked to take care of a pet and their responses were compared to those without one. From the research, medics have been able to conclude that an exposure to pets can decrease the recovery time from mental illnesses by nearly—”

A small cough stopped the motormouth right in his tracks.

“Iruka-sensei?!” Naruto cried, bounding up from his teacher’s bedside and launching himself into his former teacher’s arms. “Did you come to visit Kaka-sensei too!?”

The man scratched his nose, finger rubbing against the faint scar line that defined his face, “Well, I was the one who brought Hatake-san to the hospital, I just wanted to make sure that he was alright.”

“—Kakashi.” He blurted out, and the silver-haired man wanted to beat his face into the nearest wall with how _stupid_ he sounded. All of his ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ attitude (like Gai would say) had suddenly escaped him. “C-call me Kakashi, we’re colleagues after all.”

The teacher beamed at him, “Well then call me Iruka, Kakashi-san.”

And shoot, Kakashi could feel the blood rush back to his face. He hadn’t felt this since, well, the first time he met Obito and thought that his large eyes coupled with long lashes and pale skin was a recipe for a very pretty girl. That was until the idiot opened his mouth and smashed the whole illusion to bits. Never was Kakashi so annoyed by the Uchiha’s good genes, their _too_ good genes.

However, his only reprise at age 12 was that the boy was an idiot. A loud-mouth, stupid idiot whose every third line made Kakashi want to bang the other’s head into a dictionary so he could look up what the nonsense he spouted meant. But with Iruka? No such luck. He was a teacher, for crying out loud. The Hokage would never had put an idiot near children. (Except for Gai, but he was a special case).

Naruto gasped, drawing the dog-summoner out of his thoughts, “Kaka-sensei!!! You’re chakra’s so nice and bubbly right now! It’s so different from the usual stormy gloom. And here I thought you _hated_ hospitals.”

“E-eh,” Kakashi thought furiously in his head, “W-well, its nice every now and again to get a change of pace.”

Turning away from the academy teacher, Naruto’s mouth stretched into unimaginable heights, “...so… Iruka-sensei is it?” His cerulean blue eyes sparkled in mischief, the same mischief that the boy always had before he pulled a prank, regardless of how stoic his poker face was.

Kakashi wisely stayed silent as his students carefully inspected his face.

“Hmm… Okay!” He proceeded to grab Iruka-sensei by the arm and whine for Ramen. But right before he exited the door, the wanabe-Hokage shot Kakashi a saucy wink.

Little did he know that the chill that crossed his spine was only the beginning of the white hairs that was enroaching onto silver property.

* * *

 

After another two weeks of missions, (Kakashi’s brats were strangely cheery the entire time), the Hokage had officially banned Team 7 from D-rank missions unless it was a life or death matter. Kakashi wasn’t sure if it was due to the complaints of the other genin or due to the terrified yowl that the hell-cat Tora screeched when coming in 10 meters of the devil trio. They seemed to bask in the animal’s pain and tried to take the mission at every oportunity.

“Hokage-sama, if I may be frank,” Kakashi began, “I believe that Team 7 is well and truly ready for their first C-rank mission.”

Then, instead of three cheers of gladness, the Jōnin could feel three death glares bearing into his back. Ungrateful twerps.

The Sandaime drew a breath from his pipe, staring quite intently into the paper in hand. After a moment of silence, he spoke, “Bring in Tazuna.”

And it was only _then_ when the trio cheered, or rather Naruto and Sakura cheered while Sasuke petting the lilac oured rabbit’s pet with a self-satisfying smirk. Seriously, ungrateful, rude twerps. But then again, knowing his students, he could only hope that this mission would go well, Team 7’s C-rank curse or not, this generation seemed to love trouble.

“You’re giving me these brats? Seriously?” Kakashi’s sharp nose cringed slightly at the overpowering smell of alcohol on his breath. The rotund man was definitely tipsy.

“ _You’re giving us this drunk? Seriously?_ ” Sakura mimicked back but the drunk was quite quick on the defense.

“Little missy, I’m the one paying for this service,” He snorted, “I thought they’d at least give me good ones.”

Before it could end up in an all out brawl (seeing as Sakura’s fists were clenched tight and Sasuke had transferred his rabbits into Naruto’s hands), Kakashi interrupted, “Now, now, usually C-ranks are done by Chūnin, however, with a genin team you automatically get a Jōnin like me. Besides, these kids are definitely strong enough to defend you from a few bandits.”

And Kakashi knew this was true. When they weren’t doing a bazillion different D-ranks, Kakashi’s kids were training. They needed no prompting and immediately threw themselves into different exercises. If Kakashi was being honest, he didn’t every do anything but give tips and hints while his students worked out what worked best for themselves. It made him question if he really was up to this teaching business if the only thing he ever managed to teach was teamwork and the team he had already _had_ teamwork.

The drunk seemed placated by the idea of one of Konoha’s elite, despite the extra baggage he held of three green Genin and efficiently sealed the deal with the Hokage, swapping over his money.

When he left, Naruto commented, “...He was scared... are we really that scary?!”

Kakashi had to restrain himself from nodding along.

* * *

 

Again and again, his team continued to surprise him. First was Sasuke who brought all of his four rabbits in his arms. Each little rabbit nibbling on what Kakashi knew was ground turmeric and other boosting roots that was typically given to the Uchiha Cats back in the day. Sasuke had obviously found some scrolls of sorts on the summons and adapted it to his new pets.

Next was Sakura who was carefully prodding a green plant that stuck out from under the side of the gate. While some may have thought that her cherub face round with innocence would have simply been inspecting the plant, Kakashi knew better. Rather, the serene look on her face was her poker face masking her excited scientist grin. That girl was getting herself into poisons. Kakashi himself was barely able to stop her from testing them out on Naruto (she figured out he metabolised poisons faster).

Then was Naruto. Naruto was—actually, Naruto was doing nothing. He was just staring into blank space with a vacant gape of his mouth. Truthfully, it was Naruto who terrified Kakashi the most. Two weeks after he had collapsed (not fainted) in front of Iruka-sensei, and Naruto still hadn’t enacted the next part of his prankster-king-2.0-you’re-my-next-target smile. The waiting was making the jōnin feel more and more anxious to the point that he even requested for state-of-the-art barrier seals to protect him from the hell-child named Naruto.

“...you’re not late…?” Naruto exclaimed, pointing shakily while theatrically putting his hand over his open mouth, “Who are you and what have you done to our jerk sensei?”

Kakashi wouldn’t lie and say that the comment did hurt but put aside his wounded feelings. He was after all an adult _and_ a jackass. Obito told him that enough to last a lifetime.

“Maa, maa, Naruto, I do not how to be early.” His early childhood life was proof of that. Never once did he remember being late until Obito and Rin died. “I wouldn’t be a jōnin if I was _always_ late, now would I?”

“...but your sensei was the Yondaime!” The blond accused, “It was favouritism.”

Kakashi chuckled slightly because if anything, Minato-sensei was the most advocate speaker _against_ his promotion at 13. “Sensei wasn’t really one to practise nepotism.”

“...say what?” Naruto said and scrunched his face. It reminded Kakashi heavily of Pakkun and remembered that he needed to get his summons some premium steak soon (it was their once a month deal since Kakashi first bonded with the pug).

“Nepotism.” Sakura enunciated clearly, “It means to favour a family member over others in the workplace.”

“...yeah, I still don’t get it,” Naruto scratched his head, “That sounds stupid. That’s like  if I asked Sasuke to go heal someone dying just because he’s an Uchiha even though you’re the medic.”

“That’s basically it.” Sakura shrugged, “Just substitute Sasuke for… say… Karin.”

Naruto stuck out his tongue. “Heck no! She’s weeeeeeeird!”

He supposed this _Karin_ was a friend from somewhere. Kakashi would need to remember to search up who this person was. His suppressed Paternal (maternal) instincts to do him to.

“Hn.”

“See! Sasuke agrees with me.” The jinchūriki said.

“And so do I.” Sakura said with a dark gleam in her eyes. Kakashi had a feeling she didn’t like this _Karin_ person very much.

“Hey! Drunkard's here!”

“Naruto.” Kakashi chasisted. He totally agreed with his nickname but the bridge builder’s the client and the client was the boss. The boy rubbed the back of his head in slight embarrassment.

“Sorry Kaka-sensei.”

Thankfully the drunkard, Tazuna was free from the clutches of alcohol (Kakashi could never understand how people _liked_ the burning liquor. It messed with the senses and made one sloppy. A sloppy ninja was a dead ninja.)

“Alright, now that we’re all here, we can start to move.” Kakashi said, “The trip will take about three days as we have to walk at a civilian pace.”

And off they went without any further ado. The jōnin might actually warming up to his terrible trio. Once reason why he was so harsh on previous genin teams was because he hated whining (it reminded him a bit too strongly of Obito).

* * *

 

Whatever nonsense Kakashi just blabbered should be promptly ignored. So he may have gotten a little full of himself in his quest for vengeance against his student’s paintball attack a bit over a month ago. But watching his students _hug_ the nuke-nina who just “killed” him and practically worship the ground they walked on hurt.

“Oh my holy ramen bowls!” Naruto gushed, “Thank all the deities and reverent kami-sama that you’ve saved us from that horrible man!”

Sakura joined in with a sob, “H-he was such a pervert! A-and he made us… he made us—!”

The odd juxtaposition of their reactions was so extreme that the two chūnin looked lost even with their kunai up in a ready stance. But then Sasuke joined in.

“...that man defiled us.”

And, ouch much? He had said more intelligible words to those… those _strangers_ in one minute that Sasuke had to Kakashi in a month! And to make matters worse, the words weren’t even directly to the one-eyed man!

Something in Sasuke’s face must have won them over because they hurriedly put away their weapons and pinched the two boys cheeks.

“Awwww, look at you.” The brother with the left gauntlet cooed, “You’re just so… precious!”

“I agree onii-san!” The other replied, doing the same to the blond’s face, “These whiskers are _adorable_!”

“Thank you so very much!” Naruto grinned, “I got them from my mom… but she’s not here anymore…”

The missing nin, Meizu, if the Bingo book Kakashi was holding was correct, looked close to tears as he smushed the Jinchūriki into his bosom. It didn’t look very comfortable seeing as the blond’s head was now grinding against a metal chest plate.

“You poor thing!” He cooed, “and your father?”

“...they both died when I was born.” The blond admitted. And if Kakashi didn’t ensure Naruto didn’t know _anything_ about his parents, he would be freaking out about the boy knowing the truth. Because if he knew the truth, he would go to _Kakashi_ for answers. And he was definitely not ready to impart that knowledge upon the boy.

Deciding to dodge that missile, Kakashi focused his attention onto Sasuke’s impassive form.

“Oh my Mizukage! Your skin is sooooo smooth.” The man’s face was incredibly close to the genin, “And you’re so… pretty, you’re just like a girl!”

“...hn.”

“Oh, you’re such a gentleman.” The other nuke-nin, Gōzu, looked abashed as he cupped his cheeks, “I used a ¥20,000 rejuvenating face mask from Iwa yesterday. I’m so glad _someone_ noticed.” He shot a glare to his brother.

“Hey!” Meizu growled back, “You use a bunch of different cosmetics each and everyday and you’re _still_ ugly! How am I supposed to know?”

“We spent nine months together in the womb!” His twin shrieked back, “You should have memorised my face by now!”

“How could I when you’re face and your ass look exactly the same?”

The man sucked in a scandalised gasp then… fainted into a human pile along with his brother.

“Thank god!” Sakura groaned, “I thought these sickos would never stop!”

“Hey! They were nice people.” Naruto defended. “I didn’t get to ask what their favourite colour was, their favourite food and most importantly, DO YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, ‘ttebayo?!”

“...hn.”

“Anata! Don’t you dare agree with him!” Sakura growled out towards her boyfriend, “If I didn’t subtly poison them with senbon you—! Or rather your chastity…!”

She got a silent look of gratitude from the Uchiha.

Deciding to cut their banter short, Kakashi casually strolled out of the bushes. “Good work team.” His father once told him that praise was good in training animals, and his three brats were as wild as rabid dogs, so he assumed it fit. “That was a… unconventional but good way to distract the ninja, Naruto. Sasuke. And Sakura, great job of defending the client and having a good use of your poisons. Very sneaky you three.”

Sakura gave him an unimpressed stare. “Oh. You’re still alive.”

“...” Kakashi had nothing to say to that. “Anyway, I’m sure _Tazuna-san_ has some talking to do.”

And all three and a half gazes turned to stare at the sweating bridge builder.

“H-huh?” He smiled so fakely it hurt all of Kakashi’s ninja instincts, “I-I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well… The target of these men clearly weren’t my students.” The Jōnin pointed out, “It wasn’t me either. If they knew who I was… well, they would have sent someone else.”

“Yeah, yeah!” Naruto added in, “C-Ranks aren’t supposed to have encounters with _Chūnin-ranked_ ninja anyway! This should be a B-rank instead or an A-rank!”

“...Naruto stop flailing around.” Kakashi ordered sternly, masking his worried, mothering tone. “The Demon Brothers are renowned for their use of poison. The more you move, the faster the poison spreads.”

The boy stuck his tongue out, “I’m Uzumaki! I won’t die from something as stupid as that. We’re made from sturdier stuff.”

“Where did you learn that?” Kakashi questioned, intrigued. The Uzumaki were barely mentioned in Konoha anymore. It was a sore subject for the adults back when Kakashi was growing up and it made sense for the Uzumaki debacle to be avoided completely.

“What do you mean, Kakashi-sensei?” Sakura questioned, “Isn’t it obvious? I mean, he am stuck with the fuzz-ball.”

It took Kakashi three embarrassingly long seconds to connect the dots. “...You know?” He blinked, pointing at finger at the other two genin.

“Hn.” And that was probably the only grunt that Kakashi had actually managed to understand in the past month.

“What am I talking about? Of course you know.” The jōnin shook his head, “Regardless, Naruto that poison could kill you if it isn’t treated—”

“Sakura could treat me?”

“Uh, no. Sakura cannot treat you.” The girl interjected, “I have no idea what they used on you and since they’re from Kiri, I wouldn’t even know what chemicals they used.”

“...uh…” The blond thought hard, “Oh I know!” Before Kakashi could stop him, he drew out a kunai and stabbed his hand. “I can just drain the poison out!”

“Naruto!” Kakashi panicked before masking his voice with a cool tone, “Uh… It’s good and all to get rid of the poisoned blood, but any more than that then you’ll bleed to death.”

“Naruto, you’re so self-abusive! Just like this idiot over here—“ Sakura jabbed her thumb towards Sasuke who was petting his rabbits again. Seriously, where did those things come from? “You two are so honestly… masochistic!” She chucked her teammate a roll of bandages. “Hurry up and wrap that. Tazuna-san doesn’t look too good.”

Naruto pouted, but did as she ordered. Kakashi kept an eye on the cut and was alerted to the inhumanly fast healing that occurred right in front of his eye. He hoped that wasn’t the Kyūbi’s work there.

* * *

Man, Naruto felt really embarrassed for Kakashi-sensei. Sure he wasn’t all powerful (no shinobi was) but he was beaten up by Zabuza in what could only be called as paltry tricks. Really bad paltry tricks, like the ones found in those civilian-made ninja movies where the ninjas basically did magic and floated in thin air. Like, sure, _some people_ could do that, but not all ninjas.

But this time, to Naruto’s satisfaction, instead of making poor little Naruto drag their immobile sensei to Tazuna’s house, the three played a game of jan-ken-pon to decide which unlucky preteen had to haul his ass for the trip. Sakura seemed to be the unlucky one this time around.

“Naruto, you probably rigged his, didn’t you?” She hissed, “You’ve always had ungodly luck.”

“Ha!” The blond laughed, “You can this luck? You should see me at the Casino. I bankrupted them.”

“...No wonder Shishou loves you.”

“She loves me because I’m loveable. Not for my money.” Naruto felt really wounded by that comment. He and Baa-chan were connected by both being Uzumaki blood but with blond hair (He only realised that during the academy test when it mentioned that Uzumaki Mito married the Shodaime.)

“Hn.”

“See! Sasuke agrees.”

“Hey! You misinterpreter, that was his ‘hn’ of disagreement!”

“It was not!”

“...sorry, but could you not shout so loudly next to my ear?” Kakashi-sensei groaned, “It’s making my ears ring.”

“Sorry Kaka-sensei,” Naruto stage-whispered, “I’ll try to be more quiet.”

Now that they had their encounter with Zabuza and Haku, Naruto couldn’t help but feel restless. There was so much he had to do in such little time and Zabuza and Haku didn’t deserve the end they got. Or rather Haku didn’t. To be honest, even with all of Naruto’s empathy, he didn’t really get that eyebrow-less guy (he did murder over a hundred kids in cold blood).

How the heck would he be able to save them? Seal them up in a special seal and ship them off to the next Mizukage—oh! That was a great idea! It would be so simple too! All he had to do was modify the original storage seal used for preserving food, add another matrix to turn it from an odd numbered seal to even (because odd number seals were kinda unstable. They’re used to blow things up) then maybe write in a clause that allowed an exchange of oxygen in and out so the people inside wouldn’t suffocate to death. The only problem was how to power it without killing the people inside the scroll. Naruto could use a siphoning seal but it would take chakra from poor Zabuza and Haku and probably lead to chakra depletion. But if he powered it with his malicious Kyūbi chakra that was still circulating around in his system (there was a lot okay. Kurama had _years_ to fester this amount. Baby steps, baby steps) the inhabitants of the seal would get chakra poisoning—

“Naruto! SHUT UP!” She stepped on his foot, sending a sharp pain up from the sensitive nubs all the way up his leg.

“YEOUCH!”

“Humph!” She turned her head around, “Your mumbling is so loud.”

“That isn’t an invitation to step on my foot!” He growled back, “My toes are exposed in the standard sandals, y’know. That hurt, dattebayo!”

“That was the point, dumbass.” She huffed. “How can I think about the new poisons I’m going to make if you keep talking—talking about _circles_ in my ear! How important are circles anyway. They’re just that! Circles!”

“W-what are you talking about?” Naruto sputtered, “Circles are _everything_ in fūinjutsu. Without a perfect circle, it just does work!”

“That’s bull!”

“Nu-uh! I spent hours trying to draw the perfect circle!”

“I still call bull!” Sakura insisted, “If you can do it, then show me!”

Naruto huffed and pulled out a brush pen and square piece of paper from his jacket (another reason he loved the jacket, inside pockets) and promptly drew a free-hand circle onto the white canvas.

“...So what if you can draw a circle? It doesn’t matter because that’s a useless skill.” She hefted Kakashi-sensei up her body again.

“It is _not_!” Naruto was resolved to win this argument, especially with his heritage in the line. Both of his parents used fūinjutsu afterall, it was like destiny. With pen in hand, Naruto steadily wrote out a simple one-matrix (though technically it couldn’t really be considered a matrix with only one) exploding seal. “See, an exploding seal, the same type you attach to kunai.”

“J-just because you say it’s an exploding seal doesn’t mean it’ll work.” She blustered out, and damn, Naruto was both impressed and annoyed at her stubbornness because like—

“—Damn it woman! You’ve seen my seal work,” Naruto moaned out, “WHY ARE YOU SO SCEPTICAL?!”

“Because you’re all devils.” Kakashi-sensei mumbled into Sakura’s shoulder, “Little devils in sheep’s clothing.”

“Thanks Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura replied brightly, “That means we’re doing our job in making your life hell.”

Naruto could help but grin in tandem to her response and his teacher’s forlorn look of despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really couldn’t resist putting in the Demon brothers as, well, pretty much drag queens. I, myself, am a LGBTQ+ supporter, and find it funny, but I sincerely hope this does not offend anyone reading it.
> 
> On a different note, has anyone noticed how bad I am at backgrounds? They hurt me so much, it hurts :(
> 
> And on another super different note, this weekend has been so weird!! We (being Australia) celebrated Black Friday! How is that even possible? I was so confused, Black Friday is not a thing down under, just like Thanksgiving. I was listening on the radio and they were going on about a chain reaction starting with Amazon, moving onto EBay then smacking all the big Aussie retails like Target and whatnot. Not to say I’m not grateful, I did get super discounts, after all >V<


	4. In Which Some People Just Never Learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people really do never learn. Especially Kakashi. Really, he was three months into his contract with the devils, he should have learnt something by now! 
> 
> Honestly, the only one who’s even bothering to learn is Sasuke! And he’s learning to emulate... Shikamaru, of all people.

“Yes, yes, we know,” Sakura cut in, “Bleh, bleh, bleh, Zabuza’s alive. Yes, we will go train. Yes, you can read your porn. No, we will not do anything stupid unless our name is Naruto—”

“—OI!”

“—So  _ please,  _ rest for once in your life!” 

Kakashi’s eyebrow twitched. “How did you know Zabuza’s still alive?”

He got three deadpanned stares. 

“Uh, Kaka-sensei dude, we’re not that stupid—”

“—You mean ‘you’—”

“... _ I _ am not that stupid. And a sensor—one that can sense  _ emotions _ —”

“—Since when?!”

Naruto paused in thought. He looked towards his teammates with bewilderment and mouthed something on the lines of  _ Didn’t I…?  _ and received disappointed shakes of their heads. 

“Haha… Sorry Kakashi-sensei,” The blond rubbed the back of his head sheepishly in a motion that was a bit too familiar for Kakashi’s liking. He remembered those frustratingly halcyon days which were actually the happiest times of the jōnin’s pitifully sad life. “I think it slipped my mind. But y’know how Uzumaki Mito-san was the first Jinchuriki of the fuzzball, she could sense people’s negative emotions. I can do the same, dattebayo!”

Kakashi’s mind was sent into a calculating overdrive. That was a holy, hella-awesome ability that the ANBU and T&I would  _ kill  _ to have. He was not kidding. If Kakashi held onto his fox mask,  _ he  _ would’ve killed to get that ability (except Kakashi would never be able to harm a hair on Naruto’s head… permanently…). Whoever held such an ability would be sought after because they would be valuable in searching out spies and traitors, the biggest enemies of Konoha. 

Mindblown, Kakashi set his Icha Icha back into his pocket, grabbed Naruto’s shoulders and stared one black eye into the boy’s blue ones. “Naruto… do not tell  _ anybody  _ about that, you hear me?!” 

“U...uh? O-okay?” Naruto stuttered out, perplexed as more a question than an answer. Satisfied with his response, Kakashi rounded up the other two genin. 

“Same goes to you two. No telling anyone or it’s a—” He mimicked a cut to his neck. While the two continued their indifferent faces, they both nodded. Kakashi was pleased. His little devils  _ did  _ listen to him… every so often. 

“Uh, so… where was I?” Naruto questioned, frowning again in an expression that Kakashi saw so often on a certain Uchiha’s face when he—

“Hn.”

“Oh, thanks Sasuke,” Naruto continued with his story, “Ha—um, that  _ guy _ , he was really warm and fuzzy when he picked up Zabuza. Not at all what you’d expect from an enemy nin, right?? So, he  _ obviously’s  _ on the same side, dattebayo!”

“Agreed.” Sakura chimed in, “Besides, it’s nearly impossible to kill someone with senbon unless you douse it with poison or you’ve got  _ really  _ good aim and luck better than Naruto’s—”

“—Hey! My luck’s godly, no one can beat it!”

“—my point exactly,” She groused out, “Therefore, that hunter nin must have produced a variation of the vasovagal syncope.”

Kakashi raised his eyebrow (the visible one) at the unfamiliar tone. He was a genius, yes, but his expertise was far,  _ far  _ away from the medical zone. That was Rin’s forte. Besides, he had an… adverse aversion to anything medical and barely could do the basic first-aid and healing jutsu. Rather, most of his wounds were fixed up with a quick raiton and healing salves from his loyal ninken’s saliva. 

“The vasovagal syncope is the result of the parasympathetic nervous system overcompensating for the sympathetic nervous system due to stress.” Sakura lectured, “This leads to a sudden drop of cardiac movement and cerebral hypoperfusion.”

Kakashi wasn’t even ashamed that he joined his male students in their glazed looks. 

Sakura huffed, “Simply put, the hunter nin struck pressure points which caused temporary paralysis. Combined with the drop of blood pressure, Zabuza’s pulse was practically unnoticeable, that’s why he appeared dead. He should only take about a week to recover, seeing as he’s a former jōnin.”

_ That  _ made much more sense to Kakashi but the one-eyed man smiled secretly in amusement as Naruto continued to stare blankly at his medic teammate. Sasuke was with him in understanding as he contributed to their team meeting with a;

“Hn.”

“Okay…” Kakashi said cautiously, he hoped Sasuke wasn’t waiting for a response. The dog-summoner still couldn’t decipher the Uchiha-speak. He wasn’t sure why he got his hopes up. Sasuke  _ still  _ hadn’t said anything else since he growled out ‘Naruto’. “So… as we got that all cleared up, that means that we’ve got to go training!”

It was going to be fun watching them fall off the trees. Retribution, Kakashi’s mind whispered, sweet retribution for all the pain the little devils had caused to his psyche. 

(It didn’t even occur to him that Sakura was a iryō-nin, so  _ of course  _ she could tree walk. And if he had learnt anything from his devil brats, they hated being left behind.)

* * *

 

The two idiots were being louder than usual, Sasuke observed silently as he fed Ume a cut up piece of carrot. Their incessant whining about circles was starting to get on his nerves. They had been going on for three days and Sasuke only had so much patience. 

Kakashi-sensei tried to teach the time-travellers how to tree walk but was left in the dust as Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke had decided to walk up the tree without instruction and play paintball Konoha-style by bombarding him in a symphony of red, blue and orange (Sasuke, being the one with the most aesthetic sense had tried to argue for primary colours however Naruto’s insistence that “Yellow’s  _ dad’s  _ colour, not mine,” eventually won out in the end). 

Then the man decided to teach nature affinities probably just to be a jackass (in Konoha, genin focused on their basics and didn’t start nature affinity training until their second year). Unfortunately for his teammates, Naruto’s control was a bad as ever and he nearly beheaded a tree (it was half the reason why the fire from the month before was so large) and Sakura had never even considered learning her affinity which, as expected, was Doton. Sasuke on the other hand, had been taught Katon from a young age and had successfully displayed his expertise during the second genin exam. 

This resulted in Sasuke being waved off to go do his own training by a tired Kakashi-sensei who probably just didn’t want to teach any more than he had to, judging by his stuff movements and defeated tones. Unfortunately for him, Sasuke’s determination and drive that he possessed when he really was 12 had almost diminished. For him there was no need to relentlessly train his body from dusk till dawn to murder his brother and avenge the clan. Rather, his new goal was to simply grow old as a shinobi, marry Sakura and continue the Uchiha clan.

That was not to say that he wasn’t going to train. Sasuke was weak and he knew it. His baby body wasn’t strong enough to keep up with his taijutsu, it wasn’t able to power his ninjutsu and most of all the usage of his eyes were now heavily restricted so he wouldn’t become blind. But the dark-haired boy knew that there was no sense in trying to stress his body into growing faster that it was capable of. Unlike Naruto, he actually did listen in class (occasionally) and knew that there was merit in  _ resting  _ every once in a while. 

All he needed to do was wait. 

So with Ume cuddled safely in his palm and Rayu, Sanma and antisocial Katsu keeping Kakashi-sensei company in bed rest, Sasuke wandered into the forest. Finding a clearing just on the inside of the tree’s perimeter Sasuke carefully instructed the light coloured rabbit to thump on his ear when someone approached then he gazed at the blue sky (just the same colour as Naruto’s eyes), slowed his breathing and began his descent into sleep.

* * *

“YES!” Naruto crowed, “I DID IT!” 

It was deep into the night, a waxing crescent hanging lowly just over the horizon. Despite the lack of light, Naruto’s super vision (actually just night vision powered with the leftover malicious Kyūbi chakra) allowed him to clearly see the six-matrix storage seal complete with an interlocking power seal that fed on NATURE CHAKRA. He must be a complete genius or something or it was just his argument with Sakura. While she did not know the simplest thing about fūinjutsu, Sakura was an excellent person to bounce ideas off of because the more skeptic she became, the closer Naruto was to his expected answer. (Reverse psychology?) 

Now all he had to do was test out his new seal. Quickly making a Kage bunshin, (Naruto was left annoyed at the ten which popped into existence. His chakra control was still as shoddy as ever and it seemed that by travelling in time it just got  _ worse.  _ As if it needed any help in being suckier. ) he ordered all but one to disperse and ignored the dissonant feeling of seeing himself in different angles as their short memories rushed back to him. Grinning madly, Naruto rolled out the scroll, until all three meters of parchment set with ink was exposed to the air. The clone automatically positioned himself at the centre where the Uzumaki spiral stood and Naruto charged the scroll with chakra. 

Watching each and every character slowly light up in a soft blue glow, Naruto’s eyes widened as the clone disappeared from sight, seemingly sucked into the whirlpool’s middle. He braced himself for the tell-tale failure explosion that may occur. After ten seconds of bated breath, Naruto relaxed; the seal was stable. 

But the experiment wasn’t done yet. 

He needed to check if one could survive in the seal for a long period. A clone wasn’t exactly ideal (especially because he’d get the memories afterwards) but surely it was more ethical than Sakura’s testing on all those rats she raised.

Naruto couldn’t wait!

* * *

Sasuke was immediately alerted to a stranger’s presence with Ume’s soft padded feet smacking against his ear. However, as a shinobi and being leagues-ahead-of-a-certain-dobe, he was able to continue his sleep-like posture, complete with regulated breathing. Another trick he managed to learn was the ability to slow his heart rate. (He would never tell anyone, but he developed that particular skill set in fear of Orochimaru jumping him in his sleep). 

He could  _ hear  _ their hesitation on their breath, an odd thing as his Uchiha heritage meant that his hearing was easily one of his worse senses naturally. As they neared, Sasuke could feel the slight change in temperature, despite the normal heat humans exclude and he had only ever felt that particular circumstance with one other person before. 

Haku. 

“You’ll catch a cold if you sleep in a place like this.” A petite hand landed in the junction of the Uchiha’s neck (disturbingly where his cursed seal used to be) and shook him lightly. 

With a practiced ease, Sasuke slowly fluttered open his eyes and plastered on his best I’m-wary-but-trying-not-to-be-too-wary-for-the-civilian-girl look. 

“Who are you?” He asked steadily, efficiently rolling up from his sprawled position into a subtle crouched poise. He knew that his usual grunts would not make any sense to this stranger. 

Haku, still possessing that otherworldly beauty that didn’t belong on a man’s features, smiled in an innocently angelic way that accented the curve of his lips. “My name is Haku.” He offered, “May I know yours?”

There was no surname given, but then again, not everyone had the opportunity to hold more than one name, much less a family one.

“...Sasuke.” He inclined his head, and slowly relaxed his tensed calves. “Thank you for waking me up, Haku-san.”

“It was no problem,” Haku replied, and Sasuke could hear the resembling twinge between his saccharine voice and the cold, efficient tone from before, “It was just by chance I was gathering herbs this morning.” 

This piqued Sasuke’s interest, “Medical herbs?”

“Yes.” He agreed, “For healing injuries, sickness and the like.”

That ‘ _ like’  _ probably being Zabuza’s neck being skewered by his own apprentice’s senbon. Watching it the second time didn’t mean that the move was any less ruthless. But Sasuke wasn’t going to tell him that. 

There was a slight nudge from Ume’s nose and seeing her lilac fur immediately gave Sasuke a decision. “Would you like help?”

It was obvious that Haku was taken aback, this Sasuke could tell with his inhumanely good eyesight but would probably be simply written off by a civilian. Or Naruto. However, the boy smiled softly again and directed the Uchiha to which particular herbs he was looking for. 

This was perfect training for little Ume too, whose light colouration couldn’t help but remind him of his wife (to-be). Other than the basic skills, he was planning on training all four of the rabbits in certain arts which would surely help in his endeavour to achieve his goals. Said goals being murder Danzo, save Itachi, marry Sakura and continue his lineage, in that particular order. (Some may say Sakura should come first, however  _ he knows her  _ and he knows that from the beginning of their relationship that she was contented to wait for him. Danzo and his brother, on the other hand, they would do no such thing.)

Haku helpfully directed the boy in how to temporarily preserve the particular herbs (which Sasuke could make no heads or tails of, regardless of his medic girlfriend) and began small talk, like most non-Uchihas tended to do. 

“Your headband… are you a ninja?” Haku questioned, after asking about why Sasuke was found passed out in the clearing. 

Sasuke grunted in affirmative and Haku hummed politely, “Wow, that sure sounds like something. Were you training?”

“Resting.” The redeemed avenger said honestly, “To become stronger, training is necessary, but the same can be said for rest.”

Haku’s eyes narrowed slightly and began to haze over, “You say you want to become stronger…? But for what reason?”

Emerald eyes flashed through his mind along with the familiar memory of warm fingers pressed against his forehead. “To become the best.”

Leaning forward, the boy in the pink yukata continued, “Is that for your sake? Or for the sake of someone else?” With Sasuke’s silence, he continued, “Do you have someone precious to you in your life?”

“Yes.” Sasuke answered back immediately, a image of Sakura’s pink hair and gentle gaze swayed into his subconscious. 

“That’s good.” Haku said, “Because… when— ...when a person has something precious that they wish to protect… that’s when I believe that they truly become strong.”

At Haku’s words, Sasuke couldn’t help but soften his expression. He never really understood Naruto’s obsession with Haku or Zabuza, he didn’t understand how those two strangers eventually kick-started his passion to protect, well,  _ everybody _ . But hearing Haku’s sincere tone made the Uchiha begin to truly see what Naruto probably saw in the pair the first time around. 

Family. 

“I understand fully what you mean.” The Uchiha acknowledged, the corners of his mouth threatening to quirk up. 

“Then I am sure that you truly are strong— stronger than anyone will ever know.” Haku bowed his head in response, the last of the herbs filling his basket. “Thank you very much, Sasuke-san, for helping me with this. I hope we meet again soon.” 

Then he walked away with an odd  _ sashay _ of his hips, most probably to hide his more masculine body proportioning and Sasuke was left alone in the clearing with only Ume as his companion. 

“...Sakura is still prettier.” Sasuke declared to the little rabbit.

* * *

Naruto was an idiot. Well, he, along with everyone who knew him already were privy to that information, but he still could not help but emphasize that particular piece of information. 

He barely a fourth into the year and he had already forgotten one of the most important turning points in his how-to-be-Uzu-fucking-maki-Naruto handbook. HIS MEETING WITH HAKU!!!! 

Naruto wanted to sink into his knees and sob. Loudly. At this rate, he was never going to redeem Zabuza or HAKU. And it was all because of that  _ stupid fūinjutsu experiment _ that had occupied his mind!! He would never admit to anyone, but it was also his strong belief that it was another  _ stupid fūinjutsu experiment  _ which had booted he and his team (sans the pervert) back into the past. He always knew he should've stayed away from the alcohol even if it had such a sweet, tangent aroma…

Yet, instead of degrading himself like a weaker man, Naruto made a mad dash to the forest clearing where he remembered his first encounter with the soft spoken boy. If memories were correct, it was after Naruto's twelve-hour-crash-course in tree climbing where he had collapsed in stubborn exhaustion. Haku was collecting plants or something for Zabuza and Naruto could sense the icy texture of the older boy's unique chakra signature along with… SASUKE?!

Now that was an odd combo, if Naruto's sensor-y self could say so himself. While Haku was characterised by a deep setting chill that pressed into a crisp, clear evening, Sasuke was a bloody, hot inferno of a volcano that Naruto had once visited which was all-consuming and  _ powerful _ . 

(Sakura's own signature was like a waterfall, soothing yet ferocious while Kakashi-sensei was like an odd inside-out tornado of sorts. Calm on the outside but holding a tightly raging centre.)

Regardless of this odd turn of events, Naruto made sure to push his muscles a little harder with the use of chakra in order to meet the growing chakra signature. Dumb mask on, (or at least overly dumb _ er _ ) Naruto practically catapulted himself into the feminine boy with such vigor that the two went for an impromptu tumble into the dirt.

“AH! ARE YOU ALRIGHT ONEE-SAN!” Naruto more shouting than asking, himself wincing at the unnecessarily added decimals. He sounded like Gai-sensei  _ and  _ Lee. Combined. Playing as himself was always a cringe-worthy experience.

However, there was no response from the nukenin who laid motionless in a dead faint. Naruto gaped. 

He panicked slightly seeing the stilled body, then remembered one of the few medical things Sakura had knocked into his head (quite literally with a combination of Morse code and punches). Kneeling down, he pressed two fingers to the neck exposed from Haku's pink yukata. Despite shivering slightly at the frosty skin, he hurriedly searched for the beat.

_ Thump… thump… thump… thump… _

Naruto heaved a sigh of relief. He had never studied anything medical even though Sakura had screamed into his ears that life and death were sides of the same coin. Whatever that meant. However, with Naruto's meagre knowledge, the blond was certain that his friend (to-be) was A-OK and merely knocked out. 

With the utmost amount of care he could possess, Naruto heaved the boy onto his back and wrapped his (too thin) arms around his neck. Searching around, he found the familiar woven basket full of green medical herbs and tucked it under his own arms. Naruto was glad that despite his young age and prepubescent body, he was still able to (inefficiently) power his body up with enough chakra to lift up the older boy.

Naruto just hoped that Sakura wouldn't kill him for delivering  _ another  _ patient. He was sure whingy Kakashi-sensei was more than enough.  

It was only then when he realised that he could've just check Haku's condition through his chakra sensing. Naruto really was an idiot of the highest calibre.

* * *

“—Your eyes must be failing! Look at that face!”

“Hey, hey! I know what he looks like, dattebayo, but I was the one who carried him from the woods,  _ I know the difference between a man and a woman! _ ”

“Ha! Hear that, Anaya? Naruto's cheating on Hinata with another!”

There was a sputtering of odd inhumane squeaks. “H-Hinata?! What does Hinata-chan have to do with this, ‘ttebayo?”

“Don't think I can't see your blush Naruto.” The voice pointed back, “Neither Sasuke or I are blind.”

“...well—” Naruto drawled out. 

A large (if Kakashi was being honest) pigish grunt errupted from the pair's other side in what was probably distain. 

“Right, right.” The blond muttered back, “Sorry Sasuke, insensitive topic, I know.”

Having enough of listening to their banter, Kakashi emmited a forced groan of pain, causing his devil brats to look up like sentry and stare goggle-eyed at Kakashi's form. Three seconds passed with no movement from either party until Naruto blurted out;

“Shit, I gotta tell boss!” And disappeared in a cloud of smoke. 

“ _ Naruto…”  _ Sakura growled, held back only by Sasuke's affectionate(?!) hand. 

Kakashi, on the other hand, was gazing blankly at the space where Naruto just stood. Was that just a  _ KAGE BUNSHIN?! _ Frick, that was a B-ranked Kinjutsu that was only taught to  _ tokubetsu jōnin  _ or exceptional chūnin. Who the  _ fuck _ would teach  _ Naruto  _ of all people. 

(It was in that moment when Kakashi's traitorous pack (parental) instincts took over and demanded that he murder himself for dissing one of his most precious people. Then it told him to ‘dog up’ and feel  _ proud  _ of the pup for accomplishing such a tricky jutsu, Kinjutsu or not.) 

Sakura neared her immobile teacher with a small wooden bucket filled with warm water and a simple white towel. She soaked the cloth and quite carelessly smacked it onto Kakashi's exposed forehead, covering Obito's Sharingan. He sighed in relief as the eye cut off from his already low reserves. 

“Thank you Sakura,” he smiled, curving his exposed eye to show his gratitude. 

“Rather than myself,” the girl huffed, “you should thank Sasuke-kun over here who dragged your collapsed ass back to Tazuna-san's house.”

“Well then,” Kakashi swiveled his focus onto the Uchiha, “thank you Sasuke.” 

The boy in question didn't even bother with his unique grunting speech and inclined his head in acknowledgement. 

Now wasn't that _ rude?  _

“KAKA-SENSEI?!” The sliding door slammed open revealing Naruto's black and orange clad glory, probably the real one, if the dirt on his clothes were to be believed. The boy stormed in, ignoring Sakura's bite of  _ ‘be quiet you idiot!’  _ and threw himself onto Kakashi's side.

“Oh Kaka-sensei!” He moaned dramatically, “How pale you've seemed to have become!” 

If Kakashi could move, he would have (lightly) thrown the boy off as soon as he saw his stretching grin. “Naruto…” he warned, but if the boy could shrug off Sakura's reprimands, Kakashi had no doubt that it had little to no effect. 

“Don't worry, Kaka-sensei!” Naruto patted his teacher's silver hair. (It unexpectedly felt good and Kakashi was assaulted by memories of a similarly blond man doing the same thing.) “It wasn't as bad as when you fainted in front of Iruka-sensei.”

“He WHAT?!” 

And it took the jōnin a good, long moment to realise that SASUKE SPOKE. 

“Hm?” The pink-haired medic asked, “You didn't know?”

Sasuke looked mind-blown, full with wide eyes and open gaped mouth, revealing straight, white teeth. (Kakashi frowned in disappointment. He was so sure the boy had buck teeth or something equally embarrassing and that was the reason why he never talked nor smiled.) After a pregnant silence, the boy apologised at his loud outburst and trailed out of the still-open door, sliding it shut with a soft tap. 

But seriously, Uchiha Sasuke SPOKE. Kakashi wished that he could pinch his cheek at that current moment to check that he wasn't dreaming. (He unfortunately said that aloud as Sakura reached over, pulled the sensitive skin and  _ twisted _ . ...His brats were devils.) The Uchiha boy had never said more that one syllable in Kakashi's sentence and his teacher was starting to believe that the only thing he  _ could  _ say was 'Naruto’. Heck, even when performing jutsu, the boy was ever as silent as before, startling the jōnin during that freakish genin-exam-part-2 and leaving the tips of his silver hair permanently singed. (Kakashi was later forced to cut the destroyed ends and then was lost in memories of another Uchiha boy doing the same in the one-eyed man's youth.)

Kakashi wondered if he should be more concerned about the evil grin Sakura seemed to give him. When the two other genin left, he later decided that the girl's expression coupled with Naruto's mischievous glint was something to worry about. He didn't even know why he felt that.

“Ah, why is there some… weirdly feminine boy sleeping over there?”

“—HA! I  _ told  _ you! Kakashi-sensei's nose is never wrong, dattebayo!”

“Oh, shut it Naruto! You're so gullible that you'd believe your blood can heal any illness. How can I take your word at face value?”

“Hey! I'm not that stupid. It's not my  _ blood,  _ it's my  _ tears _ , dattebayo. Get it right _.” _

_ “ _ I am  _ not  _ falling for that!”

* * *

“I'm really sorry Tazuna-san.” Sakura said modestly, “You're already struggling financially and we ask you to take care of  _ another  _ person—”

The old bridge builder waved his hand, “Don't worry,” he stole a wary look at his grandson, “it's what Kaiza would've wanted.”

The little boy flinched. Violently so and slowed the rate his chopsticks moved but continued to eat. 

“I agree.” Haku smiled politely, purposefully raising his voice a few pitches, he wouldn't want to… arouse suspicion from Konoha's famous Sharingan no Kakashi. The man who nearly _killed_ Haku's precious saviour. “I wouldn't want to trouble your and your family, Tazuna-san. My own accommodation is not too far from here.”

The man snorted, “Take a look outside, it's dark outside and I'd be damned if I let a pretty girl such as yourself wander around for the sex traffickers, muggers and other unsavoury bastards to prey upon.”

Haku backed down considerably. If he wanted to keep his cover, he could not out himself as a ninja… or a man. Wave was practically the middle of nowhere with the way Gato controlled the country's economy. It would make no sense for any other ninja to be  _ near  _ the premises. Contrastingly, the gender part, was simply to accentuate Haku's vulnerability and distance himself from his hunter-nin disguise. He wouldn't be afraid to admit it was also quite funny seeing the little grandson peek glances at Haku's face and blush.

“Thank you.” He said simply, and quite genuinely meant it. As a child, he prayed for this kind of unconditional trust and support from someone.  _ Anyone. _

(He supposed that was why he latched on so strongly to Zabuza-sama, despite the man's gruff and crude ways.)

“Ne, ne!” The blond boy sitting across from Haku piped up, “Haku-nee-san, Sasuke here said that you met him earlier in the woods.”

“Yes,” The ice user admitted easily, “Sasuke-san was very nice as he helped me gather the herbs I needed.”

Somehow, this comment drew double glares from both the blond boy, Naruto, and the pink-haired girl, Sakura. However, it was not directed at Haku but rather they were pointed directly at the dark-haired boy who dismissed both looks with a nod of his head. Haku was left wondering if they had some sort of weird polygamous relationship ongoing between them as their expressions seemed to be of near  _ possession _ . Weird as it may be for ones so young, Haku had travelled most of the elemental nations and he had seen some strange sights on his journeys. He had seen stranger. 

“Maa, maa,” the jōnin spoke, and somewhere in Haku's insides jolted in shock despite the man's carelessly apathetic tone, “no need to freeze poor Sasuke-kun with your evil looks.” 

Naruto pouted and whined, “But Kakashi-sensei—”

The one-eyed man shot his student a look who gave him an equally expressive but cheeky one back in return. 

“Hmmmm… I'll back down for now.” Naruto childishly pointed his chopsticks at his teacher's face. “But mark my words. I will remember this.” He shoveled a mouthful of rice into his mouth. “But Sakura's practically Sasuke's wife, so she can be as mad as she likes.”

“H-hey Naruto!” And Haku couldn’t help but feel terribly concerned for the kunoichi whose face was turning an alarming shade of beetroot purple. “Don’t joke about that sort of thing.”

The feminine boy watched in interest as her two teammates conversed in an odd combination of primate grunts, hand signals and dirty looks. However, neither Sakura or the Copy Cat Ninja showed any signs of annoyance, showing Haku that it was probably a usual occurrence. After a full thirty seconds of the unique conversation the blond sighed, closing his blue eyes in defeat. 

“You do whatever you want, teme.” Naruto insulted, tiredly. “Not my problem.” 

“Hn.” And that was the end of that, leaving the table drowning in awkward silence. Well, Haku mused, the table sans the Copy Cat Ninja as his masked nose was buried into a signed, orange book. 

“U-uh, Haku-san, you said that you were collecting herbs?” Sakura cut in abruptly but still kept the polite speech patterns. 

Wishing to ease the tension, Haku replied with a sad smile, “Yes, Nami no Kuni is unfortunately lacking in apothecaries and my father had unfortunately fallen ill from some sort of waterborne disease.” He fibbed easily, ignoring the discomfort in his chest as he fabricated his background. “The worst has fortunately passed, however, he still has dizziness, low blood pressure and nausea.”

“Oh my,” Sakura spoke, looking quite concerned, “Would you need any assistance? I may not look like it—but I’m a certified medic-nin.” 

“...Since when?” Her teacher drawled out, not once looking out past his book. Sakura puffed out her chest and struck her breast with her fist. 

“Cha! Kaka-sensei,  _ you  _ may have been slacking off these past months while we’ve been doing D-ranks, but  _ we’ve _ actually been doing stuff, y’know!” She glowered but without any heat behind her glare. It appeared that she, along with her teammates adored each other, and that included their apathetic teacher. It reminded Haku greatly of the conversation he had with the dark-haired boy earlier in the forest and he was glad that the ninja had someone he considered precious. Naruto equally seemed to consider the two as the same as he grinned happily at their own happiness.

Yet, at the same time, he was greatly disappointed. Come next week, Zabuza-sama would be healed and Gato would again demand the bridge's head. Those three charming little ninjas would not see another sunrise.

And Haku would do nothing to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Vasovagal synacope is a real thing, okay! I agonised over it for hours because the internet had NOTHING! 
> 
> (I eventually got the guts to show the episode to a doctor and ask what they thought it was and they immediately said “That’s probably some weird variant of the vagal nerves”). If you don’t believe me, search it up. I will mentally laugh as your faces go wide with surprise as it is a legit medical condition. 
> 
> That aside, I really love Kakashi! He’s such a bastard and a jerkface, but a bastard jerkface who needs a hug. Same with Sasuke. 
> 
> I REALLY CAN’T WAIT FOR THE CHŪNIN EXAMMMMSSS!! \>V</


	5. In Which Kakashi Tries to get Revenge (but fails) Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue and interlude of sorts from the Nami no Kuni mission to the Chunin exams. Part 1 out of 2

In retrospect, Sakura could admit that the mission to wave was quite a success. As the  _ responsible  _ member of Team 7, her word obviously had to have merit. 

Haku had left early in the morning before the mist had chance to clear and the sun had fully risen over the horizon. With good courtesy, he had left a couple of thousands ryos for the bridge builder's kind family along with a written message of gratitude before setting out to meet again with Zabuza-sama. Or at least Sakura thought he was going to meet with his nukenin partner. 

The boy (possibly still a girl, regardless of what idiot Naruto said) had not not realised that all of the ninjas in the household had already been notified of his timely departure. He also did not know that Kakashi-sensei was planning to assassinate Haku in the night and hide the body. He was stopped by Naruto's oddly  _ cute _ puppy eyes which had worked on the older ninja until puberty hit. The little fox knew how to play their apathetic teacher like a courtesan knew how to play a shamisen. 

Sakura was actually a little jealous. She was never as sneaky as her most flamboyant idiot nor her most recluse idiot, something that had frustrated her back in the… future-past, especially as Naruto seemed to be as subtle as a bull in a China shop (disregarding his freaky ability to hide from everyone, including ANBU, except Iruka-sensei.). Shishō had (has?) the exact same problem and had told (will tell?) Sakura her own frustration at her own ox-like presence. 

Moving back to the Haku and Zabuza-sama dilemma, Sakura was actually impressed at Naruto's plan to get them out alive. It was… so  _ hopeful _ . And if it was anyone but the knuckleheaded idiot with the bleeding heart and even more bleeding luck, she would've thrown the plan out of the window. Unfortunately, Sasuke had already jumped onboard with his plan. Why? Because it had the minimal amount of involvement from him. Honestly, at the rate he was going, he may turn into a Shikamaru the second!

(Many would later wonder what this plan was, what it involved, and how it ended. However, all members of Team 7 were tightly lipped, especially the sensei who seemed to jump out of his own skin in thought of the mission. However, what meagre knowledge Sakura would impart would be carefully preserved in the annals of Konoha and Nami no Kimi's history.)

* * *

 

“Do we really have to do the mission report?” Naruto whined, throwing his arms down like a child. 

Sakura had to agree, though she wouldn't bother degrading herself down to the blond idiot's level. Kakashi-sensei was doing his usual routine of being an apathetic jerk. True, he really was lazy and a jerk, but after really getting to know the jōnin in the future, Team 7 knew that he was exaggerating those parts of his personality. Well, Sakura  _ thought  _ he was just exaggerating the lazy part. Kakashi-sensei was a jerk through and through. 

“Now, now, Naruto-kun.” The man drawled, not bothering to look up from his porn. “You do want to be Hokage, yes? And... create world peace…” his eye curled down in what Sakura only knew to be disbelief, something that each and every person, ever had plastered on their face 24/7 when an Uzumaki was in the vicinity. Unfortunately, she was not immune. 

“That I do, Kaka-sensei!” Naruto gushed, “I’ll be the—

But Kakashi cut him off. “Then you better start working on the paperwork! It’s vital in order for one to even be  _ considered  _ as a Hokage candidate.” 

Sakura would have blurted out a gracious ‘Thank you’ for shutting up the Jinchūriki before he could start his ‘I’mgonnabethehokage,dattebayo!’ speech again, she had heard it far too many times and was sick of the rabble. She got it. But instead, she broke down in a pitfall of rambunctious laughter.

“...Uh, teme,” Naruto stage whispered to her left, “Is that a girl thing? Because I don’t think that’s normal.”

“...Hn.” Sasuke nodded in agreement. 

Sakura cut herself off unexpectedly, in an attempt to rein in her unprofessional behaviour but failed as a few giggles slipped out of her teeth when she saw Kakashi-sensei’s masked face. 

“T-think of this—” She gasped out, “Kakashi-sensei, Sixth, Tsunade and—ha! And paperwork.”

They joined her withering on the floor. 

“...Why am I always the one out of the loop?”

* * *

“—Anyway,” Kakashi-sensei monotoned, “We need to meet up at the Mission Desk in… an hour and a half—”

“—So in three hours?” Sakura raised her eyebrow, unimpressed. Sure Kakashi-sensei was lazy, but she didn’t recall him being  _ this  _ lazy. He was just always late. 

“No. In an hour and a half.” He responded and Sakura sneaked a look at Naruto who subtly smiled wider to tell her that he was not lying. “Toodle-loo!” 

Kakashi gave a two fingered salute, then disappeared in an excessively smoky shunshin. 

“Man, he was a  _ jerk _ !” Naruto frowned, staring harshly at the spot that their teacher once stood. 

“Hn.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Naruto nodded, “He was ALWAYS a jerk. Not much has changed.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Sakura shoved the scroll into Naruto’s face, ignoring the way he sputtered that it went up his nose. “You’re scribe, remember?”

“Hmph!” He snatched the scroll indignantly, “And this  _ scribe  _ would like a little respect, thank you!” But set off in the direction of the Uchiha compound, he already knew what to do.

Seeing as Sasuke’s house was in the southernmost district, the largest and farthest from any human civilisation, into the third week of the ‘time-traveling incident’, as Sakura liked to call it, (which was totally Naruto’s fault), Team 7 had declared it their hideout. They each had rooms in Sasuke’s house which, contrary to popular belief, was not the clan leader’s house but rather the old bakery of Uchiha Teyaki and Uruchi. Naruto may not have known the significance of the building, but Sakura had managed to wrangle it out of the last Uchiha in the past (future?), securing the knowledge of his baking obsession. 

(Sakura would not lie. She was forever grateful that he had pursued a hobby other than get-stronger-so-I-can-beat-Naruto’s-head-in, I-must-murder- _ insertname- _ and-avenge-something and I-MUST-REDEEM-MYSELF!! Even better, it meant that his wandering ass wandered back to their shared home in Konoha at least once every two to three months. Though he always decided to mimic the ANBU and sneak in at the crack of dawn when no human should even consider being alive, let alone  _ baking _ . However, Sakura would never tell the boy that she actually craved his baking and had a sensor for whenever he decided to create some new delicacy. She didn't want to…  _ scare  _ him away…)

“I can write and walk at the same time!” Naruto said and Sakura raised her eyebrow. 

“That's really hard.” Sakura grimaced, thinking  about the times she did the same in the hospital. She at least had a clipboard. Naruto? Not  a chance. “Practically impossible. How the fu—oh.” Naruto’s twin giving the piggyback ride grinned from under him and both the real blond and his twin gave a peace sign.

“Kate bunshin,” Naruto sighed contentedly, “one thousand and one uses to last a lifetime. I fucking love the Nidaime.”

“Hm?” Sakura questioned, “I thought you would be more partial to the Shodai.”

“Eh,” the jinchūriki shrugged, “He's usually my favourite and all but right now I am worshiping Tobirama-sama. He is my salvation!” He said dramatically,

“Well, I've always felt more for Uchiha Madara.” Sakura shrugged. Sure, the Uchiha patriarch went a little loopy and such, but then again, all Uchihas did at some point. Just look at Sasuke! Rather, she looked up to the man's strong sense of duty, even with his conflicting ideals. Not to say the Senjū brothers didn't appeal to her, the Shodai was just too…  _ Naruto  _ and the Nidaime was too… Nidaime, she supposed. It  _ was  _ his fault for the Fourth Shinobi War.

“Each to their own? I guess he must've been A-OK before the whole final battlefield stuffs.” Naruto grinned cheekily, “How about you, Sasuke?”

“...Nidaime-sama.”

“Uh… didn't he try to murder you?” Naruto pointed out and Sakura wanted to sorely point out that Madara tried to murder them, Gaara tried to murder them, a whole battlefield of people had tried to murder them! And now they were… friends. What did it matter?

“...If I were him, I would definitely try to murder me too.” Sasuke admitted, sweeping his hair over his left eye where the Rinnegan used to be. “He seems sensible.” 

There was a heavy air that neither Sakura nor Naruto seemed willing to break. 

“Uh… Oh—kay then,” Naruto cleared his throat awkwardly because really, what could they say to that? “Sakura? Mission report?” 

“R-right.” She stumbled, then recovered, “Uh, recap time? What did we do?”

“Encounter the drag queens on our route to Nami no Kuni?” Naruto tried, his tongue peeking out  of the corner of his mouth as he leaned the paper to the head of his clone, “Right, it was the second day at… uh, around 1100hrs?” 

“Sounds good.” Sakura said, “Minimal injuries, only a poisoned cut which was bleed out and bandaged.”

Naruto shuddered, “I still remember the first time I did that. It reallllllly hurt! And Kaka-sensei made me cut it even though Kurama would've just healed me.”

“You might've gotten a stomach ache or gastro though.” Sakura wisely pointed out, thinking of his other encounters with poison.

“Touche… touche.” Naruto's clone nodded his head and Sakura nearly laughed when Naruto accidentally put ink in his Clone's hair. 

“After deciding to continue the mission, we took the boat and the next day, encountered Zabuza—”

“Where Kaka-sensei's butt was SMUSHED!” Naruto exclaimed, bursting out into light chimed of laugher, “That was  _ so  _ funny watching the second time round, dattebayo!”

“Hn.” Sasuke's lips upturned in what Sakura knew was his amused face. 

“Honestly, It was ever so slightly embarrassing to see how…  _ easily _ Kakashi-sensei was taken out, even if Zabuza was A-rank.” Sakura added, thinking of the simple water prison trap that Kakashi walked in. “Then how  _ tired  _ he got after using the Sharingan!”

“Pathetic.” Sasuke spat out. 

“Harsh.” Naruto mused, rolling the brush between his fingers, “But completely true! I’ll put that down too. Y’know, this is actually kinda fun, dattebayo. Kaka-sensei’s epic revenge wasn’t really all that epic.”

Sakura had half a mind to hit him on the head at the blatant disrespect. But then again, she pondered, Kakashi-sensei was a jerk and girls knew how to hold grudges. Her grudge against his laziness would not disappear until the man got his head into the game and actually  _ taught  _ them something. ...Something other than teamwork and tree walking because, hello? They were better than that! (Well, Sakura was better than that, she couldn’t say the same about Naruto or Sasuke.)

“I’ll just abbreviate the actual guarding, it’s not that interesting.” Naruto mumbled to himself.

“Aw! We’re not going to talk about reforming Inari, boss?” The clone beneath him whined. 

“As interesting as Inari was,” The real Naruto answered, “He’s not important in the  _ real  _ scheme of things.” He ignored the angered growl from the clone. “Rather, it would be better to talk about how Sasuke seduced the enemy.”

Sakura was glad to see the blond clone socked in the face and dispelled by Sasuke’s shaking left first and watched in amusement as Naruto crashed into an undignified heap on the ground. She laughed wholeheartedly when the blond was tripped by her furiously blushing boyfriend. 

“Fine!” Naruto spat out the dirt in his mouth, narrowly missing Sakura’s shoe. He should be glad he missed. She would’ve murdered him if he hit her with his disgusting saliva. “I won’t say anything about SasuHaku!”

“Y-you made  _ shipnames _ ?!” Sasuke rasped out (probably from disuse. He didn’t really didn’t talk other than his monosyllablic grunts). “T-That’s  _ my  _ job!” 

“What?” Naruto blanched, “I know I told you to get a hobby, forever ago, dattebayo! But I didn’t think  _ shipping  _ would be it!”

By now, Sasuke’s face was an adorably dark shade of red. He sputtered and stammered unintelligible words of denial and turned to Sakura with his round dark eyes.

Sakura smiled, seeing the message hidden behind hit and scooted around Naruto to pat her boyfriend’s back.   “There, there, Anata.” She cooed, “I think it’s cute that you ship people.”

He grumbled something, turning away his face, but from the wide collared shirt, she could see the back of his neck was flush with blood. She giggled. 

When Sakura was younger, she thought that Sasuke was cool. That he was amazing and infallible. She thought that he was a perfect adonis that would become the strongest ninja, like, ever. Maybe even Hokage! But now? Sakura thought different. After seeing so many sides of her first crush (both bad and good, but honestly majorly bad), the kunoichi came to one conclusion;

He was so cute!

 

* * *

Satō Hiroki was the most nondescript Chūnin that ever was. If one were to get all of the Chūnin of Konoha and note down their features, the median of all the results would probably end up with Hiroki, give or take a few inches of height because he was a good 180cm tall, easily surpassing most by at least half a head. However, for all of his good skills in espionage due to his (for lack of a better word) boring face, Hiroki was forever stuck on the mission desk.

Why? Hiroki thought it may be due to the stupid bet he made with a certain Mitarashi Anko while piss drunk a few years back. (Yes,  _ years _ . What one does in the past does impact the future.) While he didn’t remember what exactly he did under the influence, there were some things that just seemed to  _ linger _ . Let it be said that he could never look the same way at the public bathhouses, tangerines, exploding tags, Dango and snakes. He had no idea how they all corresponded but he was sure that it was all the newly Tokubetsu Jōnin’s fault. He  _ knew  _ that he shouldn’t of teamed up the the sanin’s disgraced apprentice for the Chūnin exam (even if he did pass). He  _ knew  _ he shouldn’t of suggested the alcohol and he  _ knew  _ he SHOULDN’T OF TALKED TO THE KYŪBI CONTAINER THAT NIGHT! 

Okay. Maybe he was being a bit harsh. He saw the kid with the Kyūbi inside and he wasn’t  _ too  _ bad, if one were to disregard the OMG-look-at-me-senpai orange he wore. And it went against Hiroki’s Nindō to blame kids, so Mitarashi was taking the blame. 

Speaking of the Kyūbi Jinchūriki, Uzu-something Naruto, if Hiroki remembered right, (He only remembered that much because his colleague, Umino, the one with the cute scar on his nose liked to yell it at the boy when he did wide scale pranks), was the cause of the Chūnin’s persistent headache combined with utter disbelief because open in front of him was the most outrageous mission report he had ever seen crafted with the most beautiful handwriting. 

And that was only the start of the throbbing pain in his skull. 

Sure the odd juxtaposition was unnerving, especially as this team belonged to Hatake Kakashi. The guy always wrote in chicken scratch that only Umino could read and that was because the guy read writing from children everyday that was worse! 

But most of all, was the actual content of the calligraphy-master worthy writing. If one were to disregard the obvious change from C-Rank to B-Rank with the appearance of Kiri’s Demon Brother then the next change from B-Rank to A-Rank with Momochi-fucking-Zabuza’s deciding to join the party, then the involvement of the Gato Shipment Company just had to take the cake. Hiroki supposes that enemy ninja would be common in a ninja mission, but what did a perfectly respectable company that had  _ nothing  _ to do with a bridge builder and a bridge have to do with—

‘ _ And like, p.p.s. dude or dudette reading this, Gatō is EVIL. All rich people are, it’s like, written in the stars. He was controlling all the moneys going ins and outs of Nami no Kuni and kinda lost it when client-san decided to build a bridge.’  _

Which… honestly made no sense to Hiroki. He became a ninja so he didn’t have to deal with finance, economics and all that crap that civilians had to work with. In his job all he had to worry about was legibility and double checking that they received the correct amount of money. Regardless, he continued to read the mission report. 

‘ _ On May the fourth, which I just realised is part of Golden week and it’s Midori no Hi, Greenery Day. Why was I working on a public holiday? Fuck. Anyway, at around 0900hrs we were ambushed on the unfinished bridge by Momochi Zabuza and his apprentice Haku. Team 7 immediately split off into three priority mode. Hatake Kakashi-sensei lured Zabuza to one side, while Haruno Sakura drew Haku away from the client. Uchiha Sasuke stayed behind to protect the client.  Why? Because he is lazy AF. Uzumaki Naruto was guarding the client’s family and encounter three bandits who were successfully immobilised.  _

_ ‘Haruno engaged Kunai against Kunai with the apprentice. Swiftly, Haruno discarded the weaponry and managed to corner the ninja into a taijutsu battle. However, the ninken reveal his kekkai genkai, Hyōton. And created several mirror of ice which surrounded Haruno in a dome-like structure. Using extreme speed, the apprentice attacked, using the mirrors to move at extreme speeds. These mirrors also doubled in confusing the opponents so they were unable to anticipate the attacks, making it even deadlier. Unfortunately though, Sakura’s not de _ —’

The writing smudged and the line cut off. 

‘ _ Anyway, Uzumaki showed up at the scene, slipping through the cracks of the dome using a modified Henge. Which was OMG, HOLY, FRIGGIN AWESOME!’  _

Hiroki smiled slightly at the unprofessional tune. Hatake was known for being extremely lazy, so it wouldn’t be too odd if the man forced his genin to write the report. It was good experience, especially as they were… 12? 

_ ‘...until both Haruno and Uzumaki were stuck inside the ice dome. Both come to the conclusion of destroying the mirrors, however, as Uzumaki has a wind affinity, he attempted Futon: Daitoppa however, it barely created a crack in the ice and slowly repaired itself. What did work was a chakra enhanced punch from Haruno which shattered the mirrors even more cleanly than Jiraiya’s rib after Tsunade caught him peeping. Man, girls are scary.’ _

The Chūnin wanted to agree. He was single but not exactly ready to mingle. The last time he tried to get himself laid was unfortunately… Mitarashi. 

What? So sue him, she was pretty! (Honestly he was just trying to hook up to the famed Ice Queen Yūhi Kurenai and Mitarashi was her best friend. But  _ everyone  _ knew that Kurenai-chan had a thing for… for  _ Sarutobi Asuma.  _

Urgh, just the  _ thought  _ of that annoying playboy son of the Sandiame made Hiroki’s blood boil and stomach twist. He was such an ungrateful brat! And he was the lucky one that got to be on Kurenai-chan’s team! Hiroki suspected nepotism.

‘ _ I suppose the battle after this was a bit anticlimactic. Why? Because Sakura’s punch knocked out three teeth and Haku’s consciousness. And then Momochi decided to go all ‘Demon-misty’ on us and covered the whole area with mist, like, LAME. He already did that once, we didn’t need a retake. Doesn’t he know that the same trick doesn’t work twice? And, he’s so stupid. I’M A SENSOR! I COULD SEE HIS GODDAMNED SMIRK THREE MILLION LIGHTYEARS AWAY, DATTEBAYO!!’ _

Hiroki had a startling understanding that it was the Uzumaki boy who wrote this funny but unprofessional report. He wasn’t really sure what alerted him first. The verbal tic… or the bright orange ink. 

‘ _ So… I walked up to him as he was doing the typical Imma-evil-villain laugh and smacked a gravity seal onto his face. It was so great watching his face become acquainted to the bridge he was trying to destroy. Karma, dattebayo!’ _

_ ‘And Kaka-sensei was being stupid and he showed off his Sharingan and paralysed himself. AGAIN. Is he stupid or what? Seriously, isn’t once enough? It’s like he wants to go back to the ICU—actually, maybe he wants to see Iruka-sensei again? Never mind, he’s forgiven.’ _

_ ‘BUT THEN! THE MOST EPIC THING EVER HAPPENS! GATŌ APPEARED AND I WAS ALL LIKE; OMG!!! WHAT THE HECK? And guess what? He had a nefarious (I like the way that sounds) nefarious plan to kill Zabuza because the short goblin dude never intended to pay him! Then was the best part! WE PAINTBALLED THE HELL OUT OF THE GATŌ AND HIS BANDITS! Yes! Now the bridge is called  _ 1000-Shoko Ōhashi, the Great Bridge of a Thousand colours~!’

‘ _ P.S. The paint was a little too hard to wash off.’ _

_ ‘P.P.S. I did not do that on purpose.’ _

_ ‘P.P.P.S. I totally did. Don’t tell Sakura-chan.’ _

What a load of bogus. Genin these days really loved to exaggerate. Hiroki would need to ask Hatake for a  _ proper _ report, not this… fanfiction from—from a child’s delusions!

(Later, Satō Hiroki would get the ‘proper’ report from Hatake which was even worse due to the severity of the handwriting. Not even Umino could read it at this rate. He would regret even asking.)

* * *

 

Kakashi was done with his brats. 

(Vaguely in his mind, he would realise that he addressed the twerps with possession but it wouldn't really click in his head for another decade or so.)

The mission to Nami no Kuni wasn't bad in retrospection. Really, it wasn't bad as far as cursed missions go. Kakashi would fondly remember his own cursed C-rank mission with Team Minato. It started with a painter, added a mishap wirh Kakashi's now favourite novel and then ended with Minato-sensei, Obito and Kakashi in drag. (As much as it pained him to admit, Obito looked  _ good  _ in that yukata.) Team Kakashi-sensei's mission was only bumped up to A-rank. His first C-rank was so far up the system it was SSS for Supremely Super Secret. They never spoke of it again. 

Rather, it was the trip  _ back  _ that was hell. Now able to move at normal ninja speeds, the originally week's travel shortened considerably to a meagre two days. However, each and every step of the hellish trip was riddled with traps and sneak attacks from his little buggers. Traps and sneak attack with…  _ paint _ . 

Never in his life would Kakashi believe that he would have such a phobia of… a phobia of water soluble crushed up pigmentation! Fuck. At this rate the devil's would condition him with a type of Chromophobia to the specific colours of paint they used. Worse, he couldn't even restrict their access to said paint because everywhere he went he could not find the same damned  _ shade _ of their heinous dyes. If he did, that particular store would have an… excellent surprise waiting for them. 

Namely, sabotage. Was Kakashi at all embarrassed? No. Not at all. 

To some, two days were considered short. They were considered to pass far quicker than one could believe. But to Kakashi? Those two day could not have drug on for longer.

He had enough! No longer would Kakashi stand paint on his clothes! No longer would Kakashi stand paint in his hair! No longer would Kakashi stand paint in his  _ FOOD _ ! 

It was time to take ACTION against the little devils’ INSUBORDINATION!

(Now, if Kakashi looked a little… more feral than his usual laid-back, skye terrier demeanor, then you wouldn't be wrong.  Rather, he more resembles a rabid doberman, only missing the characteristic foaming mouth of mad dogs.) 

Whipping out, not his usual porn, but rather a work blue notebook and pen, he set to work. Quickly jotting down his plans of pure, utter revenge, nothing would stop him but—

“Kakashi-san?”

“I-iruka-sensei?!” Kakashi said, nearly dropping his notes out of surprise. Or at least he said, to be truthful it sounded more of an undignified squeak. But God, if he did really did that, then he would  _ never, ever, ever  _ be able to show his face to Iruka-sensei ever!

“Now, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka laughed and holy shit did his eyes look  _ big _ , “It's just 'Iruka’ or 'Iruka-san’ if you must.”

“R-right,” Kakashi muttered, thumbing the pen and paper in his hands before folding it into his pocket. It wouldn't do for the teacher to see him planning revenge on his students. “I-iruka-san, then.” He hoped the man didn't notice that Kakashi was avoiding eye contact. He wanted the man to look at Kakashi like he was cool. Like how Tenzō saw  Kakashi as his senpai. But… if he noticed that Kakashi was avoiding eye contact then maybe he would think Kakashi was being a jackass. Maybe he would think that Kakashi was just lording his Jōnin status over the chūnin and maybe then Kakashi would terribly offend the man. Fuck, if Kakashi did that then he would be worse than dead. He would be right next to the Shinigami in terms of dead-ness.

“Kakashi-san are you alright?” Those dark round eyes framed with even darker lashes fluttered uncomfortably close to the one-eyed man's face. They were so close that Kakashi could feel himself… breaking out in an allergic reaction to him? His face was becoming undeniably hot, just like the time the devil cat's hair rubbed against his hand. It would explain why he kept  _ fainting  _ in the man's presence. 

A firm grasp wrapped around the back of his forearm and holy shit, was Iruka taking his pulse?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck—

“K-Kakashi-san!?”

* * *

If he were any other man, then Iruka would've panicked. If he were any other profession, he would've been surprised. If Iruka were any other gender, then he would've screamed. However, his profession as a former prankster/academy instructor/mission desk operative/barrier team member, (okay, he did a lot, he gets it), had trained Iruka in many things. One of them was resilience in the face of challenge. 

So without further ado, Iruka looped the comatose jōnin onto his back, noticing how light the man was, especially for his height. His legs were dangling closer to the ground and Iruka knew from their few encounters with each other that even when slouching, the jōnin was at least Iruka's height. Looking critically, he realised that especially with the man's amount of muscle mass he was dangerously close to  being underweight for his height. 

Even jōnin weren't exempted from being malnourishment as children, it seemed. 

Something about that just pulled at Iruka's maternal heartstrings. He remembered his own days as an orphan, there were no missed meals or lack of nutrition (despite the amount of  take he ate). Children were sacred creatures. No matter how bastardly annoying and thick they could be; children were the future. 

If the rumours were to believed, Hatake Kakashi was a ninja at the age of six. Iruka remembered when he was six; he was clumsy, all chubby fingers and round cheeks. It was also noted that the Hatake  head had died, leaving his child parentless. But as a child from a clan, a practically dead clan, it was impossible to adopt him or even take him under one's wing due to clan politics.

And was the third Shinobi War back then. Food and ninjas were scarce in-between. Thinking of a  _ child _ being forced to kill at such a young age… 

(It was not really a secret but before October Tenth, it used to be a passage for genin to take their first kill just before or after a C-rank.)

It was sad. Truly a sad, regrettable position to be.

Iruka honestly didn't understand how parents did it. How they refused to see their own children as children and force them to strive bigger and better than their predecessors. The chūnin thought back to the late Uchiha head and his second son who apparently ‘just wasn't  _ good enough _ ’. 

It just was never enough, was it? 

(Kakashi would never know that day, or that year. Or the next, or the one  after that. In fact, he would only find out days before death due to heart complications. However, that day he had earned a place in Iruka-sensei's heart. Maybe not as the cool senpai he wanted, but rather as a (man)child that needed a healthy dose of love, affection and food. Lots of food.)

(It was a start, even if it wasn't the one Kakashi was looking for.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha! I just couldn’t help making Kakashiseem even more socially inept. It will create a whole lot of hilarious problems later. :) Also the whole allergic to cats things was something I got from my sister who goes red when it touches her. Sad, cuz she likes them.
> 
> I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my drawing style tends to change... a lot... so sometimes they’ll look Chibi, other times full bodies, half-chibi-ed and so on. It’s a work in progress, y’know?


	6. In Which Kakashi Tries to get Revenge (but fails) Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of "In Which Kakashi Tries to get Revenge (but fails)" and still an interlude into the Chunin exams. Part 2 out of 2. But there's still more interlude. A-OK? Don't get too excited for the chunin exams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Kakashi woke up with a horrified, jolted start. For the third time, in the past six months, he had been admitted to the hospital unconscious  _ and  _ he hadn’t even been on any actively missions. Best part? All of them were from allergic reactions, (The first time was during the D-rank demolition where Naruto cornered Tora into leaping into Kakashi’s face. The second and third were his encounters with Iruka). If Obito could see him now, the Hatake knew that he would have laughed at his misery, especially as he knew how much Kakashi hated hospital. 

_(The smell of antiseptic, blood and lingering waft of pain was practically a trigger for all of Kakashi’s nightmares_ _regarding Rin. He knew how the girl practically lived in the hospital and her house was a clinic—the smell was faint but used to cling to her before she died. Then, whatever reminded Kakashi of Rin, reminded him of Obito and Minato, and Kushina, and Sakumo, and it turned into a vicious cycle.)_

In the dip of his left elbow there was a sharp needle, embedded into his skin. Most definitely an IV of sorts. Kakashi cautiously looked at the snaking tube connecting to the bag of infusions before yanking the needle out and healing the small opening with a jolt of medical chakra. 

Next, the jonin set his eyes out to the beeping heart monitor. With a practiced precision, he gathered the tiniest amount of lighting chakra into his fingertips and tapped the machine on the metal rim. With a fizz, pop and electrical whirl, the screen drooped into a faded black. Kakashi grinned and ripped off the white electrodes stuck to his chest. He had practiced his hospital escaping skills since the wee age of five, by now, he was an expert in ensuring a clean jailbreak of his prison. 

He swung his legs over the annoyingly sterile white bedsheet covers and took a shaky stand upright. As per hospital procedures, Kakashi’s jōnin vest (the medics knew better than to take his clothes), hitai-ate, weapons and holy book were folded neatly with a… with an  _ orange  _ on top? 

Well, that was a red flag if Kakashi ever knew one. Warily, he opened Obito’s left eye and inspected the fruit. It had Naruto written all over it. 

Seriously, it did have Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke written all over the fruit in varying fonts and—and…  _ colours.  _ He could feel his heart accelerating and pulse racing (which honestly is the same thing) as his breath quickened and shallowed. He painstakingly ripped his eyes away from the offending fruit. 

Now, Kakashi had to make a decision. If it were the old Kakashi, the old fifteen-year-old who knew nothing of the holy bible of Jiraiya, then the jōnin would’ve simply left his belongings and bought replacements. But twenty-six-year-old Kakashi? He would do no such thing. It would be BLASPHEMY AGAINST ICHA ICHA!

So… flee? Fight (the orange)? Or call for help?

Before he even started his inner monologuing, Kakashi knew that ‘flee’ and ‘help’ were out of the question. The former explained above and the latter because Kakashi was a cool senpai who was not scared of oranges!

Eyes still glued to the opposite wall, the dog-summoner cautiously retrieved the IV needle and reinforced the metal with chakra, only wincing slightly at how the metal burned from his overflowing, dense lightning affinity overflowed from the makeshift weapon. 

Then, with practised ease, guts and wonderful use of peripheral vision, he threw the needle-turned-senbon, which pierced the graffitied fruit and threw it out of the open window. 

He hurriedly covered his ears and shut his eyes in anticipation.

_ Five. Four. Three. Two. One…? _

Kakashi frowned, righting himself back into his lazy slouch rather than his terrified curl, not that he was terrified, mind you. With small deliberate steps, he cautiously approached the window and peered down to the ground.

Later, he would regret ever touching that—that  _ orange  _ as the resulting explosion of paint blinded him for two days and required the use of eyedrops for the next week. 

The brats were  _ so  _ dead.

* * *

 

Sakura woke up with a horrified, jolted start. Why? Because she was neither in her comfy bed nor did she wake with a tense in her neck due to sleeping at her desk. 

No, instead she was spooning—spooning Naruto! Worse,  _ she _ was the big spoon. Naruto, was curled around… a fox? Sakura blinked steadily at the addition of a new animal.

Like, what even? She knew the whole Naruto-is-the-Kyūbi-demon-Kurama mess but she didn't think that he legit had a fox, future, past or present, though current events may have proved her wrong. 

“Sakura?” 

The girl jolted as the breath danced across her exposed ear. Cranking her head uncomfortably sideways, Sakura gasped; “S-sasuke-kun?!” 

If Sakura was spooning Naruto, and Naruto was spooning a fox (who in turn was spooning Sasuke's four rabbits, weird.). Then Sasuke was spooning Sakura?!?!

Oh lord, it was a Team 7 sandwich with Sakura in the middle because the animal pets did not count. 

“Shh,” Sasuke murmured, petting Sakura's hair, “Go back to sleep.”

She could feel her face heat up considerably but did as he asked, gluing her eyes together (which wasn't really hard with the leftover rheum sticking her eyelids together). Sure, the two were dating in the future-past thingy, but Sasuke was home only every 90 days to _bake_ _in the middle of the night_. So cuddling? Hand holding? Kissing? Sexual intercourse designed for human reproduction?! ...yeah, none.

Sakura swore that  _ Naruto  _ got more action than her and he was still oblivious to the fact that Hinata liked him! That and he was  _ still a virgin _ . How he managed that? Nobody would know. Sakura knew all too well about his legions of fangirls/fanboys who were all too ready to jump the Hero of Konoha. She had her fair share of them too, but she made an effort to destroy at least their hand if not their pelvic bones for daring to proposition her. 

Anyway, she was going to enjoy this as much as she possibly could, ignoring Naruto's presence, Naruto's snoring, the damp earth beneath her and the odd sticky feeling she felt on her arm—

“HOLY MOTHER OF @#$&*¥£€!!!!!” She bellowed from the top of her lungs, full-bodily flinching her limbs into both Naruto and Sasuke. Sakura jumped up and held her arm as  _ far _ away from her body and turned her head away. 

“H-huh—wait—wha—?” Naruto murmured in a jumble of lost syllables, he slowly rose to his feet. “What's wrong?”

“Naruto! Get it off me!” Sakura pleaded, eyes shut tight. “It feels  _ disgusting!”  _

Naruto yawned then chuckled, infuriatingly slowly. “Hehehe… I would, Sakura-chan, but could anyone turn on the lights in here? I can't see anything.”

Insult on the tip of her tongue, Sakura swiftly faced the blond to reprimand him—they had more important things to worry about like the—

“HOLY FUCK!! WHY DO YOU HAVE LEECHES ON YOUR EYES?!” 

“W-WHAT?!” Naruto panicked, “Please tell me you're joking! H-how do I get it off, ‘ttebayo?!” He tried to get a grasp around the slimy insects but could not get either their anterior nor posterior suckers to release themselves. 

Looking back at the experience, Sakura would seem herself lucky to only have the one sucking her arm in a non fatal spot. Naruto, on the other hand? He had at least  _ five _ Sakura could see, two on either eye, one sucking his exposed neck and one curled into the space next to his ear then finally a huge, fat leech attached to the skin of his right forearm. 

“You idiot!” She hissed, “Don't you learn, anything? The best way to get rid of leeches are to—”

“Burn them off.” Sasuke cut in, hands already in a tiger seal, clearly preparing himself for a katon. “Don't worry Naruto, this will barely hurt for a bit—the Kyūbi (or Sakura) will heal you, I'm sure.”

“Huh?!” Naruto replied none the wiser. “W-wait, Teme w-what are you doing?” 

“No!” Sakura screamed, executing a full body slam into the Uchiha. The boy had already let out wisps of flames which lodged themselves into the tree behind Naruto before he shut off the juice to his jutsu, “You’ll make the leeches regurgitate into the wounds and start an infection! I don't want to heal an infection!”

Seriously, she wondered why she even loved this guy. She swore that everytime  _ something  _ went wrong, the typical Uchiha response was to  _ burn it down.  _ Honestly! 

“Go extinguish the flames before the whole forest goes down!” Sakura ordered. She turned to Naruto and declared, “Sit down and wait for them to fall off.” 

While not all slugs would do so  _ before  _ their target was dead, Sakura had full confidence in Naruto's cockroach tendency to never die and was sure that his Uzumaki heritage coupled with his jinchūriki status would ensure his survival. But Sakura? 

She took a quick glance at the off-white coloured leech. Yeah… she wasn't so certain—Sakura wasn't as hardy as her teammates on the inside. Outside? Yes, she took hits from Tsunade, after all. Inside? Not so much. 

Now, many would think that as Slug Princess Tsunade's disciple, a medic and summoner of slugs too, Sakura would be totally fine with leeches. They were, after all, practically the same thing, minus the whole blood-sucking-beasts-who-were-intent-to-kill-their-victims-with-no-remorse. But no, despite the similar looks, slugs and  _ leeches  _ were two entirely different stories. 

(Sakura may have been a bit… traumatised by an incident in the hospital involving a Shinobi and a hundred and four leeches covering every inch of his skin including his sclera.)

Worse, these leeches were at least five times bigger than the normal type and were nearly as big as her hand. She shuddered at the mere thought of touching it.

Swallowing thicky, Sakura slowly dragged the nail of her thumb towards the smaller end of snail before roughly sliding it under the sucker and flicking it off. Using pure guts and chakra enforced hands, she grabbed the leech's body, gave it a ruthless squeeze and flung it into the smoldering, black tree. 

She released a breath held in so deep she wasn't entirely sure if she was holding and slowly sunk to her knees. Ignoring her hammering heart, Sakura dug in her spare side pouch filled with not weaponry but first-aid supplies and quickly but efficiently cleaned and dressed the small punctures. 

Now, she could entirely have healed the wound. She was going the be the best medic, even better than Tsunade. But if her deductions were correct then they were in—

“Ne, ne, Sakura!” Naruto interrupted, eyes open wide this time as all of the leeches had already eaten their fill of his blood except the one attached to his neck, “Why are we in the Forest of Death?” 

“Well, if anything, it's probably the work of—”

“Me.”

Kakashi-sensei appeared in an excessively large whirl of leaves (Sakura knew for a fact that he added them just to piss people off and could do it without). It just seemed like  _ everyone  _ wanted to interrupt Sakura's sentences and steal  _ her  _ credit. 

Naruto stepped out in front of his teammates, skill fully healed and leechless. “What's the big deal, Kaka-sensei?” He asked a bit densely, “I swear I was good! ...ish.”

“Naruto, you…” Their sensei growled then pointed at his eyes, “BLINDED MY GOOD EYE!”

And truth be told as instead of the usual lazy look of Kakashi-sensei with his hitai-ate covering one eye, they covered  _ both _ . And if Sakura wasn't so dumbfounded, she would've laughed, hard.

“Hey!” Naruto pouted, “You have no proof! For all you know you could've been blinded by an exploding tangerine!”

Kakashi-sensei smiled, (or at least Sakura thought he smiled. If was really a wonder how much expression he managed with only one eye and brow showing), and the three genin could feel the change in atmosphere immediately. 

Well, except for Naruto who continued, “And it's not like you're blind forever, maybe just one or two days then you're on eyedrops.”

“Well,” The jōnin said tightly, “I'm sure it  _ definitely  _ wasn't you as I  _ definitely was not _ blinded by an  _ orange.  _ AND I  _ DEFINITELY WON'T BE BLIND FOR TWO DAYS AND ON EYEDROPS FOR A WEEK!  _ I CAN'T EVEN READ ICHA ICHA!!!! _ ”  _

If Sakura got one thing from that exchange, it was how much Kakashi-sensei needed a therapist. Or a new hobby. Or a boyfriend. Sasuke may have actually been going somewhere when he mentioned getting their current teacher with their  _ former  _ teacher. 

“Anyway…” Kakashi-sensei drawled, “Survive in Training Ground 44 for three days. While I recover.  However, you can feel free to leave anytime you wish… with a punishment”

“...why?” Naruto whined, “I mean—I’m not going to run away—but I swear it wasn't me.”

“Five days.”

When Sakura saw Naruto's mouth open again, she drove her chakra-enhanced elbow into his stomach. “Okay Kakashi-sensei!” She chirped, “Rest well!”

When he left (in a puff of excessively thick smoke this time), Naruto exclaimed, “Oi! Why did you do that?!”

“Cha!” Sakura spat, “I refuse to spend any longer in this places with  _ leeches _ .”

“They weren't that bad,” Naruto dismissed, “I mean look at them!” He raised his arm showing the new row of leeches hanging like lanterns off a string, “They're a bit cute? Agreed?” 

Sakura may have punched him into the central tower. And she  _ may  _ have felt good while doing it.

“Shit. That's hot.”

Sakura shot Sasuke a wink.

* * *

 

Kakashi checked the time lazily, eye slowly moving towards the clock. It was ten past five and right about time to pick up the little devils… if they were still alive. 

He knew all too well that dumping them in the Forest of Death was… a little extreme. However, he felt entirely justified considering that his eye burned like hell. 

Besides, he left the pack to watch them along with express instructions to retrieve him if they were any difficulties. It couldn't be that bad. Then again, he had given the annoying little twerps permission to walk out. Kakashi wouldn’t care. Rather, he'd be overjoyed! It would mean that the little students were traumatised and his revenge complete. 

At this point, any win against the hell-devils was progress, right? He felt quite giddy thinking of the hell-demons getting their dues. Karma, Kakashi embraced. 

So with a half-skip and an honestly too-excited shunshin, the Copy Cat Ninja frolicked—a bubbly float in his step—Kakashi danced towards the outskirts of the town where the Forest of Death sprouted. 

(Legend had it that the Shodaime Hokage had created this particular for his wife, Uzumaki Mito's birthday. However, before he could gift it to her, in a spat between Senjū Tobirama and Uchiha Madara, the forest was burnt down. In his anger, the Shodaime created this death trap to teach the men a lesson, but found that his wife liked the forest even better like so and the forest was kept in her honour.)

As he approached the looming trees and barbed wire fences, Kakashi was half glad yet half disappointed to smell Naruto, Sasuke and even Sakura's scents lingering in the forest, too strong to be imprints of the following day as it had rained lightly in the morning. Slowly, he pressed a chakra-infused hand to his lips. There, covered by the several layers of masks, the Hatake clan symbol tattooed into his tongue. 

During the Warring States, the Hakate were great friends of the Uzumaki. While neither lent a hand in battle, for the Uzumaki were notoriously neutral and the Hatake were always with their sister clan, the Inuzuka, the two were quite close. Close enough that the Hatake clan, which dealt with Canines, gifted the fox summons to the Uzumaki and the Uzumaki created a complex seal disguised as their clan symbol. 

That particular seal was very special. It was the first, and only of its kind which empathetically linked a Shinobi to its summon. How the Uzumaki managed it, Kakashi would never know, but their seal work was amazing and at the first opportunity he got Kushina to tattoo it on. 

Activating the seal, he immediately connected himself onto Pakkun, the oldest and arguably most loyal of his Ninken. See, as the seal was empathetic, it didn't convey words. Instead, the seal transferred feelings _ ,  _ images and memories— _ emotions _ . 

Kakashi focused hard on his feeling of  _ longing  _ for Pakkun _.  _ He lingered on memories of the empty ache after all his human pack died and remembered how joyful he was to have Pakkun at his side. He thought about his need to see the pug. 

After a sluggish pause, a warmth pulsated from the back of Kakashi's head, starting at the base of his skull and spreading down towards his centre. A warm feeling of acceptance like the fluffiest blanket wrapped around his and the jōnin knew that his message was heard.

Kakashi could proudly say that his best (dog) friend was taught well with the way the pug lazily appeared on a nearby tree in less than five seconds. A bored look was plastered onto his squashed face. 

“Yo, Pakkun. How're the devils?” Kakashi asked casually, unsealing a piece of prime steak—sirloin—to the ninken. “Any problems?” 

It was a smooth transition, smoother than night into day. Pakkun's beady little eyes widened like saucers and pupils dilated. Features twisted outwards into an expression of true fear. 

“P-problems?” The dog made a poor attempt of chuckling which came out as a high pitched whine. “Boss, the whole forest is  _ terrified  _ of them.” He paused thoughtfully, “Except the foxes. But foxes are evil.”

Kakashi raised his eyebrows at the odd and frankly concerning reaction. His summon was a cool pup. He didn't take jack shit from anyone except Kakashi and that was out of love and sheer necessity. If not, then Kakashi's pack would have been Pakkun-less decades ago. 

This kind of reaction was reserved for the hardest, dirtiest and fatal enemies and/or situations. Not for…  _ Genin _ .

Kakashi knew that underestimating anyone—underestimating anything—in his profession was a death wish. There are stories of ANBU being defeated by mere academy students who had given them the slip and Kakashi was keen on staying far,  _ far  _ away from their footsteps. That did not mean that Kakashi was underestimating the devil children. Nope. Not one bit. Like every other jōnin in the force, past, future or present, Kakashi had coping habits. Examples of general coping habits were smoking (Asuma), hoarding (Hayato), extreme pessimism (Hayate), optimism (Gai) and so on. 

His were admittedly worse than most… ritual tardiness; foul attitude; reading porn in public; the list also would go on. 

Getting to the point, Kakashi stalked… uh, researched each and everyone of his current genin team months before they had properly met. 

...and no, he was  _ not  _ a pedophile. 

Rather, it was a ritual Kakashi had undergone over and over again for six years. Every year, he would find the top three students and bottom two students and find every single piece of dirt he could scrounge up on the ninja-wannabes. That's why he knew that Sakura secretly hated her long hair, Naruto had a pet plant named Ukki-san and that Sasuke…  _ baked _ . (Honestly, the last one was the freakiest discovery of all). 

Because he had carefully observed each of his charges, he knew what they were capable of. 

...or at least he  _ thought  _ he knew. 

These past months had been  _ hell _ . Each one of the twerps broke all expectations—and not in a good way. Not one kid managed to fit into the images Kakashi conjured for them as a loudmouth, useless fangirl and a wannabe avenger. No, instead, Kakashi had his hands on a idealist, a terrifying medic and… a Nara wannabe? (Kakashi supposed that it was better that Sasuke followed the lazy shadow-users rather than his murderous brother—less casualties.)

Kakashi had a plan damnit! 

  1. Grab a set of twerps
  2. Make them pass the bell test
  3. Annoying them with D-Ranks
  4. Show them how important teamwork is with a cursed C-Rank
  5. Chuck 'em in the next Konoha Chūnin exam to freak them out
  6. Train them like crazy once they understand there is no 'me’ or 'I’ in teamwork. 
  7. Chuck ‘em at the next Konoha Chūnin exam and make sure they MURDER the competition 



Yeah, but no. They had shattered Kakashi's plan. His carefully conducted plan, nearly twelve years in the making which involved getting a team of wild, uncultured brats, teaching them the meaning of teamwork, then beating the meaning into their puny heads. The problem with this particular team? Teamwork practically oozed out of their eyeballs. 

(This was so true as Naruto had somehow convinced the jōnin to paint ball Gatō's bandit army, using the whole 'anyone who betrays their teammates are worse than trash’ spiel with only his eyes. How? Kakashi would never know, but somehow, those fucking big, blue eyes convinced him to pick up his worst fear—paint—and fling it at the opponent. It was better them than him, right?)

Kakashi let out a silent groan of despair. 

“Thanks for your work, Pakkun.” He sighed, “You and the rest of the pack can unsummon yourselves now. I’ll have the rest of the prime steaks ready by 2000hrs.” 

The little pug gave his summoner a baleful look, spelling out a very hopeful ‘I pray your soul comes back alive.’ The red blood of his steak dripping down from his chin did not help the look. Then disappeared in a barely noticeable cloud of smoke. 

Well… if one thing was for sure, Kakashi would  _ not _ be getting traumatised students or revenge served cold. If anything, he may get another paintball in the face because judging by the very  _ Sakura  _ shaped fist in the bark, she was not very happy.

* * *

 

Naruto gasped, “Kakashi-sensei!” 

Before the afformented man could put a word in, a streak of white hurled itself into his gut. It was only due to a combination of experience, will and pure stubbornness that prevented the jōnin from attacking the mass with a Kunai to protect his vital organs. 

“...Naruto.”

“Heyyyyy~!” Naruto pouted, tugging at one of the fluffy pieces of Kakashi’s new restraint. “I wanna hug Kaka-sensei! Dattebayo!”

“Naruto. What the hell is…  _ this _ ?” Kakashi pointed at the trio of white foxes that curled around his midsection, each purring and snuggling up to the man’s jōnin vest. He involuntarily curled his nose at the  _ wrong  _ stench of them. 

“Hm?” The boy looked up from his original task of prying the foxes off, “Well, That’s Kuzunoha-san, Mei-chan and Sei-kun!” His tone clearly conveyed a childishly implied, ‘duh’.

“...And  _ why  _ are they ON ME?!” Kakashi spat, a slight ache in the front of his throat released the guttural sound with little to no resistance. 

“Because they love you Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto smiled, “After all, you have a fox mask!” 

There was a sudden silence. 

“I don’t have a fox mask.” Kakashi denied truthfully. He was a master of omission since youth (he didn’t really talk anyway, so was it really omitting?), he could fool someone as gullible as  _ Naruto _ . 

“Yeah. You don’t.” Naruto agreed amiably and let the matter drop. Kakashi twitched and eyed the boy carefully. The Naruto he knew would never give up that easily. Or admit he was wrong. 

“Could you get these… foxes off me?” He asked, hands up and as far away from the canids as he could. Foxes and dogs may be from the same genus, but they were no way in hell any similar. “Where did they even come from?”

“Naruto summoned them.” Sakura said. 

If Kakashi was drinking anything he would have spit it out. Through his nose. If that wasn’t bad enough, the resulting spray would have ruined the six layers of masks he was wearing over his face. 

“H-how in the world did you get a summon?!” 

“Eh.” Naruto shrugged, managing to pry the smallest white blob off of his teacher, “Mizuki-sensei came up to me a month or or something ago. It must’ve been the power of fridays or something because he was giving me the heebie—AHHHH MEI-CHAN NOT THE FACE!!!” Naruto threw the fox back at Kakashi where the thing attached itself back to his stomach. “Owww! Did you have to get the face?—Anyway, he was giving me the heebie jeebies, like the whole  _ OMG-its-a-pedo _ kinda feel. He told me to steal the Scroll of Sealing from the Old Man—OWWW!” 

“Language!” Sakura said, with crossed arms, “It’s Hokage-sama, not  _ old man _ .”

“Why are you so violent, woman?” Naruto frowned, “Besides, you were never this annoying about this. I mean I was alway all like ‘Baa-ch—OWWW!!! MY EAR! OKAY! OKAY! I’LL STOP!!!”

Sakura relinquished her hold of his ear lobe with a sneer. “You’re just a weakling.”

“Rude—wait, where was I?”

“Hn.” 

“Oh yeah! Thanks Sasuke!” Naruto patted the boy on the back, tip-toeing slightly dude to his lack of height. “But I was all like, ‘Uh dude, do it yourself. ‘ttebayo’ and he was all like ‘please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease—and… I think you get the picture, yes? So I stole the stupid scroll. I mean, it probably had like, smut in it or something—Man, Mizuki-sensei probably just needs to get laid, right?”

“Naruto.”

“Whoops! Sorry Sakura, I’m getting back on track, I’m getting back on track. So I bought him a bunch of stuff by Jiraya—that’s the author of Icha Icha, right??—and waited at the clearing he told me to. He was soooo slowwww so I read one of the books—that’s just how  _ bored  _ I was!”

“You read porn?!” Kakashi grabbed Naruto’s shoulders and shook him slightly. Sweat dripped down the back of his neck. He was so going to hell now. Kushina-san was going to murder him, painfully. Did it matter that the woman was dead? Hell no, 

“Ow, Kaka-sensei, that huuuuurrts!” Naruto whined, “I didn’t read the porn. That stuff’s  _ boring _ . I read the  _ Tale of the Gutsy Ninja _ . Did you know that the main character’s name is Naruto too? Dattebayo!” 

Oh. That was… actually much, much better than expected. Not only was Naruto still pure, but he was also not interested in that stuff. Great. If Kakashi had his way, Naruto would remain pure, innocent and a virgin until he was at least thirty-five.

“It was really cool with all of the—” Naruto began mimicking movements, “—BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BAM!—and the—HIAAAAAAYA, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, RAWRRRRRRR—OW! I’m sorry Sakura! And the main character Naruto could summon TOADS, ‘ttebayo!” 

It was actually frogs. Kakashi knew because Minato-sensei forced him to read Jiraya’s six times until he could quote the book forwards, backwards and in morse code effortlessly. But knowing that he wanted to summon toads was a good thing. Maybe Kakashi could slip in something to Jiraya the next time a message is going to be sent.

“Yeah! And I WANNA SUMMON TOADS, ‘TTEBAYO!” Naruto squealed so loudly that the fox pelts constricting Kakashi disappeared in shock. Thank God… even if Kakashi’s ears started to ring unbearably. 

“ _ Naruto _ .” A feral growl emerged from the corner as Sasuke’s left visible eye was a startling, swirling red sharingan. If Kakashi wasn’t so flabbergasted of the appearance of the dōjutstu he would have been touched by his student’s imitation of his style, even if he was just covering one eye with his hair and not his headband.

“...Sorry.” This time Naruto seemed even more cowed by the boy. And Kakashi wouldn’t fault him. He remembered the years of scorn he got from the Uchiha after Obito’s death. Uchiha Fugaku was the worst and the Hatake was sure that if his wife (then fiancee) wasn’t fond of him, then Kakashi would have been somehow disposed of by now.

“Um… so… um…” The blond mumbled, voice barely a fraction of the previous volume. Sasuke really put him in his place. “I tried out the signs! And poooooof! A buncha foxes!”

...That was…. Actually believable. It was a known fact that failure to properly summon an animal would reverse summon one to the den which they had the best affinity to. Jiraiya did it, but not many did it because of the sheer amount of chakra needed to push into the jutsu. Something Naruto, as an Uzumaki, a jinchuriki and an idiot, would not need to even consider. 

“I didn’t get a toad.” Naruto pouted, flopping down onto the dirt. “And I didn’t want to sign the stupid Inari foxes.”

“...I-Inari foxes?” Kakashi gaped. 

“Yeah.” The boy frowned wryly, “They were  _ really, really  _ insistent and said I could summon them without needing to put my name on their scroll. Except I’m not allowed to summon the Big Boss, Oinari, unless I sign it. But I wanna summon  _ toads _ .” He said, as if it explained everything. 

Damn, that boy didn’t even know what he was missing. The Inari summon were an elusive bunch that were rumoured to live somewhere on Mt. Fushimi and were worshipped by Uzushiogakure as Gods. More than that, it was rumoured that the white foxes had a curious wishing stone given from the Rikudō Sennin himself that would give the holder anything they desired, even immortal life. This was backed up by the Uzumaki clan’s extended longevity. It was one of the conspired reasons why neutral Uzushio was attacked by Kiri and Iwa. In the end, the Inari foxes were never found and the legend was forgotten. 

Naruto must have the luck of a thousand suns, because the foxes seemed to love him (except maybe, ‘Mei-chan’, the one that scratched him) enough to allow being summoned without a contract. That sort of thing meant that Naruto had no moral obligation to them, no real ties. Shit. If Kakashi had that sort of thing, it would mean that he wouldn’t need to bother with scrounging enough prime meat every Thursday at 2am for pack of hungry dogs. 

“...I think I need to sit down.” 

“Can we go home now?” Naruto asked, “It’s not fun in here anymore. All the animals have been hiding so there’s no  _ meat  _ around. Even the fishes!” 

Kakashi nodded dumbly. 

“Great!” Naruto jumped up superhumanly high, hugged Kakashi’s waist, then zipped down a hidden path with unusual accuracy. “Byebyekaka-sensei, I’llalwaysloveyouuuuuuuuuuu—”

Sasuke did his own version of a dismissal by resting his hand on the highest part of Kakashi’s back he could reach. It was a silent condolence. Then he turned and walked away, following the same path as his blond teammate. 

That left Kakashi with Sakura. 

The girl sighed, flicking a piece of dirty but well maintained, pink lock from her face. “Y’know, I was going to murder you throwing us in this hell hole with…” she shuddered, “ _ leeches _ .”

If Kakashi’s brain hadn’t already short circuited from all this information—Naruto, foxes, failure of revenge, Sharingan—then he would have chuckled at her disgusted expression. There sure were a lot of ‘ifs’ appearing in his head today. 

“But,” She moved past the shellshocked jonin with a comforting patted rhythm on his forearm. “I feel you’ve had enough for today… and the rest of this week. We’ll just do some personal training on the weekend and meet on the usual bridge on Monday at 5am, yes?” 

...if he got one thing from this experience, Kakashi now knew he hated his devil trio and Fridays. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a while! It appears that I'm better at writing these things during class when I'm supposed to be paying attention... hehe.... 
> 
> I had art for this chapter, but I can't access it right now... haha... so I will upload it later, like, a week or two. Probably two. I will also learn how to draw... animals, just for this. I'm really bad at drawing animals :(
> 
> Shoutout to Grande_Crosse who gave me the idea for the fuinjutsu clan symbol to put on Kakashi's tongue. While it was not used for Sakura, like originally intended, I will elaborate more about it later in the story. 
> 
> In regards to the fox summons... I just... couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry TT^TT. They just HAD to be there. Oh! But don't worry, Naruto will still get the Toad summons.   
> So introducing the animals (in case anyone forgot and don't worry. I also forget);
> 
> THE RABBITS  
> Himalayan Rabbit - Sanma - from Mackerel Pike  
> Lilac/Lilac Tort Rabbit - Ume from Umeboshi, pickled plums  
> Black/Blue Rabbit - Katsu from Katsuobushi, Skipjack Tuna  
> Orange Rabbit - Rayu from a spicy Ramen topping  
>  They are ALL named after Team 7's fave foods. 
> 
> THE FOXES  
> Sei - Named after Abe-no-Seimei, the legendary onmyōji born from a kitsune and a human  
> Mei - Also named after Abe-no-Seimei. Why? Because I can. Mwahaha.   
> Kuzunoha - The mother of Sei and Mei, named after the mother of Abe-no-Seimei, Kuzunoha, a kitsune.   
>  They will actually have more significance than the rabbits... probably. 
> 
> P.S. Tsunade's coming up next.... hehe... XD


	7. In Which A Little Road Trip Goes Sideways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much... Kakashi is an idiot for ever thinking that Wav pe was a one time thing, especially with kids like his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am... so, so sorry this took like, four months. This just didn’t flow out the way I wanted. 
> 
> Shoutout to DiscipleofLilith for helping me generate ideas for this chapter!

“Ne, ne, Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei!”

Kakashi’s eye twitched but continued walking. His exposed eye had a new quirk after that… _exploding orange_ injured his eye. One which activated only in Naruto's presence, he might add.

Naruto huffed, “Hey~! Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei!”

That only made the jōnin walk faster.

“KAKASHI-KUUUUUUNNNNN!” He shrieked shrilly.

Kakashi jumped as chills ran down his spine. It was nails scratching carving lines onto a chalkboard. It was a tidal wave made of unpleasant shivering, pure repulsion and disgust.

“Don't.” Kakashi rested his hands on the blond's shoulders heavily, squeezing them then letting go, “Don't call me _that_.”

It brought harsh memories of running. Of hiding. He was prey and the vultures called fangirls were out to get him. Any sign of weakness and they would go for the kill, ripping him apart limb from limb.

Kakashi knew why the Uchiha (except Sasuke, weirdly enough, who acted more like a _Nara_ of all things) and the Hyūga had a gigantic pole up their asses. It was a defenseman mechanism against the rabid animals that called themselves Shinobi-to-be. He did the same throughout his years at the academy and (very) slowly mellowed out with time. Heck, even Obito managed it when he shut up long enough for someone to notice that _hello, he was actually pretty._

“But _Kakashi-kuuuuuunnnn_ —”

“Naruto.” Sasuke's hand laid on his teammate's shoulder. “ _Don't.”_

And somehow that was a thousand times more terrifying than Kakashi even could be. It was only one red eye, just like the copycat ninja, but it glinted dangerously behind his bangs and made him look almost unhinged and halfway to his next psychotic break.

“You wouldn't.” Naruto smiled tightly, eyes betraying a touch of fear and nostalgia of a past event flickered through his eyes.

Sakura rested her hand on the boy's free left shoulder and shook her head. “You underestimate him.”

Naruto's head began to do what Kakashi could only explain as a game of ping pong as it rapidly shook from side to side from each teammate's face. His own visage slowly going paler as he realised… something. Kakashi would one day figure out what that something was, even if he had to nearly die to do so. Anything that could shut down one third of the terrible trio was a plus in the jōnin's bingo books.

“Hmph!” Naruto refused to look at anyone, “Your freaky eye powers are cheating! This shouldn't be allowed! I'm going to be the next Hokage, 'ttebayo. I want respect.” He grumbled out.

“Naruto.” Sakura sighed, “We already _had_ this conversation. You're not going to be 'the next' Hokage.”

“I am!” He rebutted, “Your points don't count because they've already happened!”

“They have not!” Sakura scowled, lips pursed in annoyance, “They could totally change.”

“Sakura…” Naruto shook his head slowly in an almost mocking fashion, “Sakura, Sakura—”

The girl groaned into her hands, “Why must you _this_ dramatic? I wish I never told you about the rule of thirds.”

“—if life has told little, old me one thing—”

“—if you _review the past, you know the future, dattebayo._ ” Sakura mimicked, overtaking his sentence. Her feet danced lightly onto the branch she leapt moving forward, chakra control precise but obviously waning from anger as little cracks attacked the bark in poor imitations of her shoes. “We _know._ Ugh. See, history is repeating itself right now.” She sped up her pace, leaving Naruto and Kakashi behind and a Sasuke not far from her trail.

Naruto stuck out his tongue at her muttering, “You are so going to be a gross hag when you’re older.” Then turned to Kakashi, “Soooooo…” Naruto trailed, following Kakashi's tree jumping half a stride per stride. “Where _are_ we going?”

“...did you even listen to my briefing?” Kakashi wondered.

Naruto snorted. “Ha, you call that a briefing? You were all like; 'Yo, brats. Let's go.’ then you started walking to the east gate. Do you know how far the east gate is from our meeting place?” He complained, “You didn't even have the decency to tell us where we're going.”

“Huh.” Admittedly, Kakashi was not in his peak condition.  He may have been up for the last… 74 hours? Give or take. What he was doing? Researching the fuck out of Inari summons, foxes and the Sharingan. Oddly enough, the last option was the easiest to find. One would've thought that with the Uchiha's near demise, their records would be kept under even tighter locks, however it was almost free game for Kakashi's warpath rampage.

He stopped abruptly and cleared his throat, feeling pleased as all three of his students perched themselves on their branches and turned their heads around in unison. Creepy.

“Well then,” he retrieved a scroll from his right breast pocket, casually unclipping it from its bindings and tossed it to the nearest person's face. “We're en route to Yoshiwara—”

Naruto gasped, eyes blown incredibly wide, like two full moons. “Yoshiwara…?”

“Yes. Yoshiwara,” Kakashi reiterated blandly, far too tired to put up with any shit from the brats. “You know it?”

“Who doesn't?!” Naruto crowed happily, face in an odd heavily bliss, “Yoshiwara is the _Sin City_ of Hi no Kuni. It's renowned for gambling, sex—”

And holy shit! Who the fuck told Naruto about…. About _sex?!_ Kakashi had felt like he had failed somehow as a unknown-pseudo-father-brother-shadow-bodyguard. No one was supposed to tell the boy _anything_ about reproduction until the age of thirty, a nice, ripe age that was safe to have children. (Kakashi would not think about his own virginity, gone before the age of sixteen… whoops?). Fuck. Kakashi was so going to hell, wasn't he?

“—and an anything goes mentality!” Naruto continued, completely unaware of his teacher's inner conflict. “Dude! What happens in Yoshiwara, _stays_ in Yoshiwara. Man, you could walk around in nothing but a frilly, pink Tutu and no one would bat an eyelash, ‘ttebayo!”

“...I won't even ask _how_ you know that.” Sakura shifted uncomfortably from the front, “and I ask you very _, very_ politely; please get that—that look on your face and shove it in the furthest corner of the earth.”

“Hn.” Sasuke nodded, hugging his rabbits closer to his chest than usual. Kakashi's eye twitched again.

Naruto pouted and tried to rearrange his face back to a neutral position. But even his resting face was already halfway to a smile and after no less than three seconds, the look was back on his face. In the corner, Sakura rolled her eyes mouthing, ‘why do I even bother?’ Kakashi had to agree.

“Anyway… we will be meeting our client Noboru Tennouji, in Yoshiwara. We're doing a double job. Firstly, the client would like us to protect his daughter, Kikiyo-hime, and has specifically asked for children to blend in.”

“Tennouji?” Naruto wrinkled his nose, “Heaven King’s Temple? What a jerk name.”

“Cha!” Sakura elbowed him roughly, “That's rude, Naruto!”

“Owwww….” Naruto hunched over and rubbed his stomach, protecting it from girl. “Do you always have to do that? The dude isn't even here.”

“Doesn't change the fact that it's rude. Don't you want to be Hokage?” She challenged, eyes piercing green, “Well, you wouldn't want to declare the next shinobi war because you called the Raikage's name 'too short and stupid!’” She huffed. Naruto opened his mouth in reply.

“—I don't care if you're going to befriend everyone!” Sakura cut his words off before they were able to form, “It doesn't give you diplomatic immunity!”

Sakura continued this tirade, for a few more seconds, each time Naruto had thought of a comeback, the medic would glare and cut him off without allowing him a single sound. Kakashi knew they probably had this conversation before several times.

He cleared his throat and gave them his best _children, please’_ look. Amazingly, they looked ever so slightly cowed. Score to Kakashi! … and so far the odds were one to a million. In their favour no less.

“Right, so the _other_ mission we have is to seek out a former sensei of yours—”

“Mizuki!” Naruto blurted out.

Kakashi knew his eyelid stuttered. “How do you know that?”

“Eh, well…” Naruto looked away, as if hiding something, “I just know?”

“We need to work on your lying skills.” Kakashi sighed, deciding not to push the subject. By now he should know not to ask questions else he reap the (terrifying) consequences. On the plus side, it gave Kakashi a new dot point on his new training plan. On the minus side, he now only had one dot point on that plan which ended in a shiny, new Relief Team because _some devil-children decided to rip his old one to pieces._

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura piped up politely, “Why are we looking for Mizuki-sensei in Yoshiwara? Was he kidnapped? Who would want to kidnap an academy teacher? He wasn't even a good one.”

Ooh, burn. “That is a good question,” Kakashi drawled, “according to T&I, he suffered a psychotic break a month after he attempted to steal the scroll of sealing.”

“How unfortunate.” Naruto said flatly, and if he were a puppy, Kakashi would've thought his ears would be pressed right against his skull.

“You don't really expect us to find Mizuki-sensei, do you?” Sakura asked, voice raised in disbelief, “We're _only genin!_ ”

Naruto coughed something out which earned him a good stomp on his foot.

“Don't worry Sakura,” Kakashi warily patted her head (like a dog), one could never be too sure what the demon trio. “We're not _actually_ looking for Mizuki-sensei, we're looking for information about Mizuki-sensei.”

“Hn.” Sasuke contributed.

Kakashi's knew his whole eyeball twitched this time. “I am _terribly_ sorry.” He forced out, from clenched teeth, “But for the last time, I do _not_ speak Uchiha.”

“... _tch.”_ The pale boy clicked his tongue, balling his hands into fists. Recently, the boy had taken to wearing duller and more conservative clothing, ditching his standard blue Uchiha shirt for a one-size-too-big, high collared shirt that draped both arms in a swath of cloth. His lack of coloration made him look even more evil than Naruto's paintball fūinjutsu or Sakura's pain-inducing chakra punches. Really, if Kakashi didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought that the boy was following his brother’s footsteps… except that he really wasn’t as Sasuke had finally stopped wearing his brother’s clothes? (Don’t worry, Kakashi was perplexed by this line of thought too).

The Uchiha raised his left hand, startling the jonin as it was already in one half of a tiger seal. If any one of his little students knew how to do one-handed seals, Kakashi would have bet all of his inheritance—which was quite a lot considering he was the last shinobi Hatake—on Sasuke. His muscles tensed slightly in anticipation of a _Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu_ as the boy, along with all the other Uchiha Kakashi had known, loved to use due to its role as a Uchiha rite of passage.

Then, his index and middle fingers split to form a new sign. ‘ _KA-KA-SHI_ ’ His hand spelled out in… The Konoha Military Police Sign Language?! When and _where_ in the world would Sasuke learn that practically dead art? MPSL was fully abandoned when the Uchiha died and even before that barely anyone besides the ANBU bothered learning the police’s silent communication.

‘ _Scarecrow_ ,’ Sasuke spelt out, ‘ _is KA-KA-SHI._ ’

Kakashi himself didn’t know whether or not to sigh or laugh at the last loyal Uchiha’s refusal to move his mouth.

“You do know that MPSL probably takes more energy than, let’s say, _opening your mouth and speaking Japanese_?” He pointed out, but made no further complaint as Sasuke grunted in acknowledgement. At the very least he now knew how to communicate with the boy in a way they could both understand.

‘ _MI-ZU-KI in YO-SHI-WA-RA.’_ then he twisted his hand in a bird’s-eye swirl, ‘— _can feel him_.’

Kakashi realised quite quickly that the weird hand-whirlpool that the dark-haired boy did was probably a shortcut to Naruto’s name.

“We’re half a day’s travel from Yoshiwara.” Kakashi commented twitchily, “Naruto, just _how far_ can you sense?”

“How far away can _you_ sense _me_ from?” Naruto retorted in reply.

“That is a good question.” Kakashi mused, more for himself than for the brats. The older man frowned slightly in thought. One reason why Naruto was so good at stealth was because his presence was, quite frankly, _everywhere_ . No matter where one was in Konoha, everyone could instinctively feel his unique brand of chakra lingering in the atmosphere. It was actually less problematic than one would have guessed because it was a subtle thing that probably began far before the Kyūbi's sealing and started at his own conception. By Naruto’s sixth birthday, Kakashi could sense his underlying brand of Uzumaki chakra from the furthest point in the village, though only when focusing or meditating because the chakra was practically _entwined_  with Konoha's being. Heck, on outsider probably wouldn't be able to tell that Naruto was there if not for the Kyūbi's malicious chakra which tainted the Jinchūriki's own energy.

Six years had passed since then and twelve-year-old Naruto’s reserves would’ve increased dramatically since then. It really was a wonder how Iruka-sensei—or rather, Iruka-san—could find the kid every time.

“By now?” Sakura snorted inelegantly, another thing that deviated greatly from his previous observations of the boy-crazy-turned-actually-crazy she devil. “Probably from Sunagakure.”

“Oooh,” Naruto smiled, “Maybe Gaara can sense me?” Odd name, Gaara. Kakashi felt for whoever accidentally named their child after the Kazekage’s rumoured unstable child because _surely_ Naruto didn’t know Sabaku no Gaara. The boy hadn’t even left Konohagakure before this year.

“Nah. Shu-chan’s probably keeping him busy.”

“Shu-chan, huh?” The boy laughed, all sunshine and daisies. “Rama thinks that one is funny and we should keep it.”

“Rama?” Kakashi questioned, because really, what kind of name was that? It's the type someone would give to their pet—

“This is Rama-kun!” Naruto reached out into the front collar of his jacket and pulled out a… an orange fuzzball?

“Yo.” The ball saluted, oddly bipedal paws which gave mobility. “Name's Kurama.”

“...you have _another_ fox?” Kakashi felt quite dumb asking, staring at the red animal.

“Yep!!” Naruto grinned and shoved Kurama back into his collar without so much as a yelp from the fox. Both his teammates bounded away from him, leaving him in the dust.

“Hey Naruto!” Sakura yelled out with a cocky smirk. “Last one there’s a freakish-mutant-Shodaime-cell-attached-to-Tobi’s-balls!”

“Hey!” Naruto leapt after them, “That’s unfair! You got a head start, ‘ttebayo!”

* * *

Sakura’s first impression of the client was ‘sleazebag’. Her next notion of him was ‘flamboyant’. Her final thought was _‘Oh, Kami-sama, what did I do to deserve this?_ ’.

Thankfully, Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei seemed to have similar thoughts. While their faces displayed no emotion, the medic knew how to read the depths of their feelings through their eyes which screamed disgust. Plain disgust.

The client Tennouji, despite his regal sounding name, was simply put, a stupid sleazebag with a heck of a lot of money. With the announcement of Team 7’s arrival, the man paraded to the eastern gate on an elephant. Hello? They were ninja. Ninja were supposed to be silent assassins who snuck up on their target in the middle of the night and slaughtered them in cold blood.

...Or at least that’s what Sakura understood anyway.

“Would you like to try of these rare Lotus cream cookies from the Land of the Moon? It’s quite a delicacy?” He simpered, with a flourish of his hand, revealing at least four, thick gold rings, each with a different precious gem embedded into the metal. Next to him, a drunk looking geisha (or perhaps an Oiran?) was hanging off his other arm, giggling like an idiot like she had been for the past three ungodly hours that Sakura spent with the man.

“Don’t mind if I do!” Naruto’s grubby fingers snapped out like a viper and began devouring the light coloured sweets with vigour. (One would have thought he hadn’t eaten in three days!) Unlike his teammates, Naruto seemed to like this… good-for-nothing pond scrum.

Sakura knew he had a bottomless heart of gold, but certainly he couldn’t like everyone, could he? The gleam in his blue eyes spoke differently.

“Well, as we’ve cleaned up all the details. Please, feel free to explore Yoshiwara. We have the best entertainment, alcohol and women you’ll ever find! ...Though you may be too young for that.” He cooed. And while Sakura knew he wasn’t in any way trying to be mocking, (he was far too stupid), the sake on his breath coupled with his tone of voice grated at her already irritated nerves.

“OMG! THANKS!” Faster than anyone could see, Naruto flew out of the tiny gap of the ajar window.

Seeing an opportunity, Sakura blurted out; “IMMAGONNAGOMAKESUREHEDOESN’TPICKASTREETFIGHT. THANKSBYEBYE!” And followed him out using the same path. (It hurt her to know that Naruto, sweet, stupid Naruto was as thin as Sakura’s younger self with her stupid dieting habit which left her basically malnourished. Especially when she recalls just how much Ramen he’d eat in one sitting.)

Right before she exited the window, Sakura heard a strange strangled sound, half between a growl and a whimper. Paying it no mind she jumped onto the panelled red roof of the neighbouring building and followed Naruto’s disappearing figure sweeping into the blue green sunset.

(Later, Sasuke would give her a piece of his mind for abandoning him to watch the client’s twelve-year-old daughter Kiyoko. While he was tight lipped about the actual situation, Sakura was sure whatever happened between the two wasn’t desirable because poor Kakashi-sensei was trying‘—and failing—to deflect a marriage contract for Sasuke’s hand.)

While surveying the town from her vantage point, Sakura noticed two things about Yoshiwara. First, it was clean. Too clean. The streets were straight and orderly, moving in crisscrossing lines each parallel to each other all wide open spaces and cobbled floors. Secondly, the bars. Rather than windows for shops, there were wooden bars, just wide enough to fit a child through, but not any bigger.

Lastly, behind the bars sat people. They were not dirty or ragged. Nor were they injured or deceased in anyway. Rather, these people were beautiful. Long, luscious locks of every shade set upon chiselled faces and sparkling eyes. Each person, man or woman was adorned with elegant clothing and expensive jewellery.

Sakura shuddered. Those people were prostitutes.

Well, some of them, she amended as she continued to follow Naruto’s bounding figure from behind. She knew for a fact that not all of the people there were courtesans. Some were merely entertainers like Geisha or Okaasan. That didn’t mean that Sakura had to like it.

The idea of doing _it_ with a _stranger_ for… _money_ was… disgusting. Especially with the risk of STIs! Not just STIs but internal wounds and trauma. The medic knew for a fact that some wounds ran deeper that jut the body, sometimes breaching one’s very soul. Sakura also knew that not everyone was there because they wanted to, most were sold to the Yoshiwara district at a young age. It was still disgusting.

“Hey! What are you doing on the roof?!” A woman cried out.

Sakura shifted her attention to the lavishly dressed woman in shock and cursed when Naruto disappeared from sight.

“Oi!” A hand grasped Sakura’s shoulder tightly and pulled her backwards off her soles, “Are you listening to me?”

“Wh—”

“Don’t interrupt me!” The woman scowled, “You damn newbies! Always talking back to your superiors and trying to act all cheeky and cute. Well it ain’t going to work missy!”

Sakura blinked, this woman obviously thought that she was… one of the _courtesans?!_ Oh hell no, Sakura would sell her soul to the shinigami before she became a damned prostitute.

“I—”

“Yes!” She cut it, “I said SHUT IT ALREADY! I’m already behind schedule without having to chase after you damned apprentices who keep _running away_! If it weren’t for your unique hair colour, you would’ve already been sold to the brothel.” The woman continued to muttered complaints and curses that Sakura had never heard in her life, and she was in the Fourth Shinobi War, she heard a lot of that.

After that, Sakura didn’t bother to argue. This woman was like certain bull-headed patients of hers (*cough* _Kakashi_ *cough*). If they didn’t want to talk or give her respect, then they wouldn’t. It was a common thing for Medics to deal with such people who thought they knew better. (Excuse me, who studied for years? Me or you? ...Exactly. Stop trying to tell me to do my job.)

It wasn’t long before the woman arrived at an inn—thankfully not a brothel—and let go of Sakura’s shoulder. While her grip certainly wasn’t strong enough to bruise, it still left Sakura uncomfortable.

“Hmph!” The woman wasn’t older than thirty years, perhaps twenty-five, with her black hair meticulously arranged into a shimada pulled back with an elegant silver hairpiece. “Okaasan was right. But what are we going to do with this hair? And your clothes? Where did you get such things anyway?” She fretted, sighing, “Okaasan will be mad. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, Fujiko.”

This must be a very bad case of mistaken identity, Sakura thought dimly as she was led into garden the wooden inn, following a winding cobble path around the back.

“You stupid girl!” A hand smacked the back of Sakura’s head and fisted itself into her short locks. This woman big, rotund stomach and chubby face, but just as attractive as the other dark haired girl. “Why the hell did you cut your hair?! That was part of your selling point!”

“Okaasan!” The first woman cried, raising her hand in placation, “You can’t injure Fujiko! It would be bad for business.”

“...Kikyo.” The woman, the Okaasan of the inn, muttered, she seemed to take Kikyo’s words into consideration and let go of Sakura’s hair. “Very well. No dinner for you tonight Fujiko.”

“Um—”

“No talking either!” She growled, “I have a business to run and your little escapades are not helping!”

Neither woman, Kikyo nor Okaasan would bother hearing Sakura out and she felt like cattle being herded across the elemental nations as she was pushed from location to location without a say.

As soon as Kikyo and Sakura reached what seemed like a private room for staff, the woman hunched over from her perfect posture and sighed deeply. With a worried expression and defeated shoulders, she seemed ten years older.

“Why did you do this _now_ of all times Fujiko?” Kikyo said, “Tennouji-sama specifically requested for _you_ to serve him and his guests.”

“Tennouji?” Sakura said, the first completed word she was able to muster after the hours of silence.

“Yes, I know how much you and everyone else hates that sleazebag.” She snorted inelegantly, “but he controls this city, y’know. If he doesn’t get what he wants, our business will really be ruined.

Originally, once Sakura was allowed to speak, she was going to reveal herself as a ninja of Konoha. (These people must be blind to not see the glaring leaf symbol glinting on her headband). But this had piqued her interest. It wasn’t like she was going to be whoring herself out, right? Just serving drinks. It would be fine to play as “Fujiko” for a little longer, wouldn’t it?

“Nevermind that.” Kiyoko shoved a pile of folded clothes in Sakura’s arms. “Get out of that wannabe ninja wear and fake headband and get dressed.

Anything Sakura said 20 minutes ago was null. Being a Geisha, even just an apprentice, was just as bad as being an Oiran. Firstly, the make-up was disgusting. Sakura’s face was plastered with some sort of wax then powdered with an unhealthily white substance. A wig was shoved onto her hair roughly, and it felt odd an uneven on her head. Finally, the _clothes_. Sure, they were pretty, delicate little cherry blossoms sewed meticulously onto expensive silk… but it was unbearably stiff! Sakura would be hard pressed to kick higher than her own shin in the thick layers and the wooden geta would do nothing to help the impact. Even worse, it was spring nearing summer, the weather was starting to warm up considerably and the extra layers did nothing to help Sakura regulate her temperature.

In this getup, Sakura would not even be able to run away. No wonder this Seiren girl did so, it must’ve been so unbearable to sit in seiza locking in layers and layers of unmovable clothing for HOURS.

Worse was the company.

Sitting next to her was the client Noboru Tennouji, his chubby figure looked even worse sitting as his fat seemed to spill out in all directions, stretching himself wider and wider. He turned to Sakura and grinned lecherously. She suppressed a shudder and hurriedly poured him a drink.

He turned his attention to the man across from him. While being similarly dressed this man seemed to exclude less of a paedophile vibe and more of a merchant one. He seemed to possess that calculating demeanour that all merchants had, no matter how hard they tried to hide it.

“Tennouji, I don’t understand.” The man spoke, adjusting with a strange circular glass piece over his eye. “Why did you call me... _here_?” He shot a disgusted look at Sakura who smiled sweetly at him. If she could see herself she would show herself the same repulsed look.

“Now, now, Daikoku.” He grinned, sipping the last drops of his sake and gesturing for Sakura to pour him more. “No need to sound all hostile. We're all friends here, aren’t we?”

His hand gave Sakura's outstretched arm a squeeze, large sausage fingers wiggling like overgrown worms. Sakura suppressed another shiver.

Smiling politely to hide her Inner self’s demon face, she said, “Okyaku-sama, please do not touch the courtesans.” _Or your fingers will be chopped off one by one and fed to you up your ass_. She thought darkly.

Tennouji laughed joyously, “Yes, yes, how could I have forgotten?” But merely ten minutes later, his arm came back sneaking towards Sakura’s body.

She so regretted trying to follow Naruto. She again had to whack his offending hand away from her.

“Could I have another refill?” Daikoku asked, lifting his cup.

Sakura shot a grateful look at him and moved to fulfil his request. With all the skill of a true courtesan, (Sakura had very steady hands from her medical work), she delicately poured the sake and bowed gracefully.

“Thank you, dear girl.” He said, and Sakura recoiled at the oily… paedophile tone it came out. She shot another look at the man, Daikoku.

_Yellow eyes?_

“You're welcome Okyaku-san.” She replied demurely despite the goosebumps lining her arms. “I must say, you have wonderfully beautiful golden eyes.”

He laughed politely in a high, almost feminine way, “Why thank you again but they do pale like the moon against the sun to your exotic green jades. I don't think I've ever seen such a vivid shade before.”

“Why yes,” Sakura smiled, “I inherited them from my mother.”

Daikoku spoke, “I don't recall hearing your name, Geisha-chan, please, enlighten me.”

“I am Sa—Fujiko!” She lied, stumbling over her own words in surprise. She really was a terrible liar. She couldn’t two face her way into anything unlike Naruto... that idiot managed to fool her into thinking Sai was secretly _female_.

“Another beautiful name for a beautiful flower.” He sipped, “Though I pray you aren't as dangerous as the wisteria may be.”

“Wisteria?” Sakura smirked internally, “Now how would such pretty flowers be dangerous?”

“Poison, my dear girl,” Daikoku smiled and Sakura was certain that this man was definitely Orochimaru or at least some distant relative of him. “A deadly poison that could kill an adult with much trouble.”

Now, rather than useless pleasantries this was a topic Sakura was more interested in. (She can't believe how much of a _suck up_ she was as a kid. It's mortifying!) And, well…Talking poisons with Orochimaru was better than getting hit on my that old sleazy geezer.

* * *

For the record, Sasuke was not running away. No, he was simply taking a… _tactical retreat_. He was an Uchiha for heaven’s sake! The last one at that. There was no reason for him to be hiding from a mousy 10 year-old wearing the longest, dragging kimono Sasuke had ever seen.

Haha… When he found his traitorous teammates they were all dead. He was going to flay them with Sakura’s scalpels, slowly and surely removing each the skin off the muscle _inch by inch by inch._

Even more that _Kakashi_ was going to be brutally murdered and tortured within the confines of Sasuke's eternal tsukuyomi. The infuriating man had cheerfully smiled and teleported away dropping a handful of _itching powder_ in his wake leaving Sasuke's skin red with claw marks and annoying, _clingy_ girl on his trail.

(Sasuke was vaguely aware of his hypocritical feelings but anger flooded the miniscule guilt away. Sakura was his wife (to-be) and this _girl_ was just a flea.)

“S-sasuke-sama?”

And he did _not_ flinch. Uchiha's don't flinch. Especially not in the presence of little girls who barely reached his own waist—

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” Sasuke screamed, coming face to face with the stuff of nightmares. Powdered cheeks and face red lips on a too young face staring at him with predatory eyes yelling 'MINE!’

“There you are Sasuke-sama!” She cried, snapping her hands tightly around his wrist like a snake around its prey. She proceeded to drag the ninja out from the bushes and towards the house. The girl smiled sweetly. “You're just in time for the party!”

Sasuke whimpered.

* * *

“JACKPOT!” Naruto crowed out, eyes watching the shiny golden chips pool out, their metallic clanking sounded like bells of fortune as he collected his earnings.

All around him people stared in awe (much better than those disgusted stares he had been getting for the past months) and Naruto couldn't help but grin further. If he had insane luck, why the hell couldn't he use it?

For the past three hours, Naurto had been travelling from area to area, sniffing out even the most secluded gambling areas of Mahjong, Pachinko, Poker and more. He came in like a lost puppy, too young and innocent to be in such illegal places, then, he marched out like a king, bearing his prizes like gift from the kami-sama above (which they were, luck is a divine gift, yes?).

Needless to say, one Gama-kun was fat, round and fulfilled for a lifetime and a half, while the swindlers of the area were cursing Naruto with their last breaths. Best part? With his shiny Konoha headband, (unfortunately lacking the familiar blemishes and scratches), Naruto was untouchable by the decree of the Daimyo. Never had he thought that old, fat guy who smelt like cabbages would be useful. Who knew?

“S-sir? Congratulations!” A store clerk said, rubbing his hands together like a sneaky merchant, but despite his smile, his reface and sweaty palms showed his displeasure. Now Naruto wasn't a sadist, but watching these people freak out by a little (lot) loss of revenue was hilarious. “Uh, would you be willing to exchange your coins with a prize? A lovely stuff toy for a little sister? Or… a girlfriend?”

Naruto focused slightly. The man, despite clearly seeing his Konoha headband continued to treat him like a child. How degrading, he frowned, “Why in the world would I want—wait!” Naruto had to run his eyes and slap his face twice in order to comprehend what he was seeing.

“...I won?” The blond woman said in disbelief, she sat at a pachinko machine barely four seats away from Naruto, obscured by the owner’s body but her voice and figure were one that Naruto would never forget. “That shouldn't be possible.”

“Congratulations Tsunade-sama!” The woman's dark-haired companion said, the pink, pygmy pig in her arms squealed in agreement. “Now we can finally pay off your debts, even just a litt—”

“—Shizune, we’re leaving immediately.” Tsunade said abruptly not even bothering to take her sizeable stash of coins with her.

“I want that pig, mister.” Naruto smiled widely, all teeth and gums, pointing at

“O-oh…” the man flustered. “It appears to be someone’s pet… But that woman, she looks quite familiar…?”

“Yeah.” He answered the man's musing. “That lady's the Legendary Sucker, Senjū Tsunade. I want her.”

“T-THE LEGENDARY SUCKER?!” The man spat out in surprise, flinching so hard he jumped up. “H-her?!”

“Yep.” Naruto looked at his pile of gold then back to the shaking man, then to Tsunade’s retreating form. “I’ll give you all this—” He waved his hand at his earnings, “And you give me her.”

“Y-yes, sure, just get her _out_ of here!” He whimpered. “She’s a monster, that one.”

Naruto sighed and hopped off the barstool of the pachinko machine. Civilians outside of the hidden villages were just plain spineless at best and total cowards at most. Tsunade wasn’t _that_ bad. She would just leave a lot of property damage. _Just property_ and she healed anyone she accidentally injured. If it were Jiraiya or Orochimaru there would be a trail of angry women and dead bodies respectively.

“Hey Oba… um, I mean, Hey Lady!!” Naruto yelled out, stopping the pair in their tracks before they were able to make their way out of the glass doors.

“...Uh,” Shizune looked cautiously towards Naruto, once her eyes caught sight of the glistening symbol on his headband, she paled. Pushing Tsunade out the door with her elbow, she addressed the boy, “Do you need something?”

“Yeah.” Naruto nodded, “I want your pig.”

Something cracked under Tsunade’s heel.

“...What did you say?”

“I want your pig! I’ll even give you all of my money—” He brandished a fat Gama-kun under her nose, watching her eyes widen. “—and I won’t tell Kakashi-sensei that I saw you!”

“Kakashi? Hatake? Your teacher is Hatake Kakashi?” She frowned, “Who the hell would trust that messed up kid with more kids? Especially this one who seems already messed up in the head.”

“The Sandaime Hokage apparently.” Naruto sniffed, inspecting his nails. For a so called 'Sanin’, Tsunade sure was slow. “So… are you gonna give me the pig or not, Baa-chan?”

Tsunade's teeth ground together in annoyance as she shot Naruto a sharp look, “Baa-chan? I'll show you who's a Baa-chan!”

“...uh, you, obviously.” He rolled his eyes, “I can't even qualify for being an adult, never mind a girl—” He ignored his Oiroke-no-jutsu for the time being, “—and I’m not stupid. I could see that seal from a kilometre away.”

She held up one finger. “I'll beat you with just one finger, and then we'll see who's laughing, _brat_.”

Shizune next to her blinked, “Why do you want Tonton anyway?” She hugged the pig a bit closer to her chest.

“Well… animal therapy for my teammate mostly.” Naruto rubbed his head sheepishly, “I tried with foxes but Sasuke nearly maimed them for trying to eat his rabbits so now they don’t want to go near him. Oh, and… well, Rama-chan didn’t want to go with him. He said something about crazy red eyes.”

“You want to let Tonton spend time with a _fox_?” Shizune cried, eyes bulging with fear, “They’ll eat her!”

“Uh…” Naruto eyed the pig’s blue face, “I think you may be trying to kill your pig first, Shi… Onee-san.”

“Nonsense!” She huffed, “Tsunade-sama, you really should teach this kid a lesson!”

“Uh… right.” She nodded, “Anyway kid, you vs. my finger. Let’s go.”

Naruto pursed his lips. Him against her finger? Yeah, there was a serious handicap there.

“Uh, how about you versus Rama-chan instead?” Naruto smiled, and pulled Kurama’s sleeping form out from the inside of his jacket. “I’m sure it will be a more even fight.”

“...” Tsunade stared at the sleeping fox—or rather, sleeping kit—then back to Naruto again. A vein bulged in her forehead. “You think I’m as weak as a fox?! You think I, Tsunade of the Sanin will stand for such insult?!”

The blond blinked incomprehensibly, seeing the fury on her face. _Insult?_ No, Naruto had just compared her to the Kyūb-no-Yoko, the strongest being on the planet for the time being. How could she be insulted by… oh. He looked at Kurama again.

“Oh… A sleeping baby fox…” He mused, “I see…”

He never saw the flying boulder coming at him.

* * *

Kakashi sank back into the hot spring with a sigh. Had it really only been two hours since Sakura and Naruto disappeared and he had ditched the client on Sasuke? Because it felt like a whole _decade_ of his worries had disappeared. Team Seven? Little Devils? No idea what the fuss was. Kakashi was totally over that.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi saw an odd flash of white—too sharp to be mist or a towel—near the bamboo wall separating the men and woman. Then, a high, perverted giggle.

 _Could it be…?_ Kakashi wondered, rising from the bath and wrapping his extra towel around his waist. He didn’t want to flash his junk at somebody just because he didn’t want to show his face.

“ _Jiraiya-sama_?!” He cried, seeing his one idol, the creator of the sacred text, Icha Icha Paradise. “Is that really you?”

“Who the heck is interrupting my—Kakashi?” He said joyfully, smile widening on his face and eyes wrinkling with happiness, “Is that truly you? Student of my student and all?”

“Why, Jiraiya-sama, I am honored you still remember me.” Kakashi simpered humbly, despite knowing all too well that he was quite famous throughout the ninja world.

“Now what are you doing here?” He squatted down on his stool, open legged and Kakashi mentally double-checked that his sharingan was covered because he would _die_ if he had to forever remember the sight of Jiraiya’s… _thing._ He shivered.

“Ha!” He slapped Kakashi's back, leaving a large red welt. “The baths here in Yoshiwara must not be good enough for a true Konoha citizen! They should really up the temperature.”

Kakashi shivered again, feeling goosebumps pop up along his arms. It really couldn't have been normal.

“Haha…” The Hatake agreed, “I suppose so. I may also be getting sick.”

“Sick?” Jiraiya barked out, “Now that's a good one. I've known you from the fetus, I doubt you'd just get a little sick. I haven't heard anyone of your exploits recently, what's sensei got you doing?”

“Teaching.” A monotone voice interjected. Both Kakashi and Jiraiya turned to face the newcomer.

“ _Sasuke?!_ ” Kakashi yelped, then looked a bit closer. Grabbing the Sasuke look alike he brought the boy forward, “You're… not Sasuke.”

The boys were similar, true, they had similar bone structure, colouration and eyebrow shape, however that was where the similarities ended. This boy was much, much paler than Sasuke with shorter hair and wider eyes. He also seemed to have a perpetual, creepy, smile that looked right at home on… Tenzo…

“Root?” He blurted.

“No, no.” The boy shook his head, “I am Sai. Not root.”

“Sai?” It was such a boring, mundane name. Perfect for a root agent. “Could you stick out your tongu—achooo!!” Kakashi sneezed violently as if his oesophagus was being ripped out of his throat.

“Jeez Kakashi, I think you really are sick.” Jiraiya said, “Maybe take it a little easier.”

“No, no,” Sai smiled, “He's definitely not sick. Maybe cursed.”

“And that's better?”

“Definitely not.”

“Shhhh!” Kakashi groused. “...can you hear that?”

“What? No.” Jiraiya scoffed at the same time Sai said, “Course I can, old man.”

_“KAKASHI!!”_

Was that… Sasuke? Like, the real Sasuke? Not this emotionless knock-off fake.

“YOU'RE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD!” He screamed, coming in from above with… Gai's dynamic entry? Huh, when did he manage to copy that? Kakashi was going to have a chat with him about Sharingans and manners because everyone knows that it wasn't right to copy a technique from an ally without permi—

Sasuke foot cleanly collided with Kakashi's cheekbone, resounding a large, painful _crack._

“AAAAAAAAHHHH!” It felt like his face was on fire with one of Obito's failed Karon Jutsu, burning with an uncontrollable flame from a lack of chakra control, “My face!” He clutched his cheek gingerly.  

Sasuke wiped a bit of grime from his face and plucked out a stray twig from his head. “Serves you right, bastard.” He growled, eye glowing eerily red, “That's for leaving me with that… demon.”

If he wasn't in dire pain, Kakashi would've been perplexed and his reaction, the client was only a ten year-old-girl. Nothing to make a fuss about. Definitely nothing to call a demon. (Though Kakashi's view was a bit skewed with the fact that he saw true demons nearly every day.)

“Hey… aren't you…?” Sasuke asked.

“Yes.” Sai replied instantly.

“Ah. Why?”

“Naruto.”

“Hn.”

How they got anything from that conversation, Kakashi would never know. However, Sai could be a distant relative of the Uchiha clan, born without the Sharingan. It would explain the startling similarities and telepathic connection.

“Jiraiya...Sama…” Sasuke bowed, seeing Jiraiya. And never mind the fact that Sasuke had said more in the past minute than the whole three month they were together—! But, he actually showed respect to _Jiraiya._ So it obviously wasn't Kakashi's love for Icha Icha which had earned ire from his students.

“You must be… Uchiha Sasuke?” He laughed joyfully, “It's been such a long time since I saw you, you were probably… this big!” He demonstrated with his hands. “You look just like your mother.”

Rather than flip out, like Kakashi expected, Sasuke again nodded gracefully and accepted the compliment. Weird. He really would've thought the angry orphan would be offended by such comment. It was closer to a reaction that, let's say, Naruto would take.

“That was also a very interesting use of taijutsu you used, mirrored off from Maito Gai's Green Beast, right but with adjustments to fit your body type and—” Jiraiya and Sasuke began walking off, clearly, the elder man's desire to _research w_  the desire to discuss Taijutsu.

“Poor Kakashi-sensei.” Sai said. “They left you without even saying goodbye. You're so poor and even dreadfully injured.” He peered a bit closer to Kakashi's face. “Ah! I know what to call you, Binbōgami-san.”

“B-binbō!” Kakashi sputtered. That was rude. If anything, he should call his students Binbōgami. Kakashi only ran into this constant streak of bad luck _after_ he had met them.

“Bye, bye Binbōgami-san.” Sai waved, following in the direction of Sasuke and Jiraiya. “Hopefully a medic gets here soon. Or else I hear your face will be stuck like that forever~” Even his sing-song voice was monotone. This boy is so blatantly, painfully, Root.

“Oh….” He pulled out a small paintbrush from behind his ear. “A parting gift.” He pulled Kakashi’s hand forward and painted on… a seal? Oh SH—!

His right hand was pulled downwards to the ground with an incredible weight. It didn’t hurt, not at all like being crushed, but it was if the seal was attracted to the earth itself, dragging Kakashi down into the dust.

“Have fun~!” 

And he was still smiling creepily as he jauntily skipped past Kakashi’s downed figure. 

* * *

It was completely silent in the bath house with all the others occupants running in fear from Sasuke's violent display. Completely empty except Kakashi who had been lying on the floor for at least 30mins after he was abandoned.

_“... you're dead!”_

_“Nyeh-nyeh! Can't catch me, Baa-chan!”_

“Is that... _Naruto?_ ” Kakashi heaved, it had only been two hours since he disappeared and he came back with… with Senjū Tsunade on his trail?! Fuck, he never should have taken his eyes off him, regardless of how much he needed to relax, an alive Naruto was better than a dead Naruto.

What the heck was his luck if he just had to end up in the town with _two_ of the Sanin. Honestly, it wouldn't be surprising if Kakashi woke up to see Yoshiwara vanished in the middle of the night.  Last he heard, Tsunade had left Jiraiya with several broken ribs and the Sandaime with a demolished bath district.

“Ack! Kaka-sensei?! Is that you?” Naruto knelt down, to his teacher’s side gingerly laying a hand on the slivers of exposed forehead. “Who beat you up this bad?! I’ll go give them a piece of my mind. Take revenge!”

“NOT BEFORE I GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MINE, GAKI!” Tsunade growled, fist leaving a sizable dent in the space Naruto once stood. …Which just so happened to be half a centimetre away from Kakashi’s face.

“W-w-w-w-waiiiiit!” Naruto sputtering, waving his hands out like they were limp noodles, “C-can’t we have a… a truce? Kakashi-sensei’s _dying_ , ‘ttebayo!”

“Haaaaaah?!” She loomed over, quite like a Yakuza member, if Kakashi was honest, intimidating her opponent. “…Fine. But as soon as Sakumo’s kid is fine, you’re _dead_.”

Naruto nodded rapidly then rushed back to his teacher’s side. He gingerly lifted the towel covering Kakashi’s face before he could stop him and gasped.

“Oh my…” Naruto whispered, “I-I never knew… Oh Kami-sama, I am so, _so_ sorry that we tried to look at your face Kakashi-sensei. No wonder you keep it covered.”

Tsunade scoffed. “What the hell are you talking about brat?” She squatted at his side, “Kakashi, even more than Sakumo is a real look…. _Oh._ ”

“I _know_ .” He nodded sadly. “I _know._ He looks like… the unfortunate child of a mutant eggplant and a dying orange, dattebayo.”

She scratched her head, “I swear that he looked better than this, or at least _decent,_ y’know.”

“Well, we thought he either had buck teeth or huge lips, but this is so much worse.”

Kakashi had enough of this and grunted loudly in a negative, pointing at his face and charading his good looks. Naruto sure as wouldn’t know ANBU handsigns and Kakashi knew that the signs had changed drastically after the Uchiha massacre so Tsunade wouldn’t know them either.

“Um… I think…” Naruto’s face scrunched up in intense concentration. “That… he wants to look better?”

Kakashi groaned and shook his head then tried again.

“No, no, Gaki,” Tsunade said, “He obviously wants to impress someone so he wants better looks. You’re missing context.”

Kakashi groaned again, but his protest went unnoticed.

“ _Oh,_ that makes so much sense.” Naruto agreed. “Y’know, you’re such a better teacher than Ero-sennin, he was like… in through one ear out through the other.”

 _Ero-sennin?_ Kakashi thought, that didn’t sound like him at all. Did Naruto have another teacher that actively, _taught_ , other than himself and Iruka-sensei?

“Of course I am!” She puffed out her chest. “I am Senju Tsunade. The best damn medic on the earth.”

“Wow! The _best?_ You must’ve like, come up for the cure for cancer or something! Could you fix up Kaka-sensei’s avocado face?” He asked, “I would go find Sakura, she’s the team medic, ‘ttebayo, but we’re not sure how his face looked like in the beginning.”

“Eh.” She sniffed proudly, “Well… there’s no blood…” She muttered.

“Please Tsunade-sama!!”

And Kakashi knew, he just did, that Naruto had unleashed his puppy eyes on the unfortunate Sanin.

“U-! I-I! Urk…. fine.” She relented. Tsunade v. Naruto; 0-1. If Kakashi could, he would’ve nodded in agreement, he understood her feelings. The little brat really just was that cute… when he shut up anyway.

Warm healing chakra enveloped her hands as she did a survey of Kakashi’s wounds. She whistled. “Who got the drop on you? Because it looks like they dislocated your jaw without breaking a single bone with a single hit to your face. Either you’re extremely lucky… or their extremely skilled.”

Kakashi groaned again. Dislocations were an easy fix but hurt like hell and could be hiding hidden fractures that could be aggravated but resetting them.

“Ohhh-kayyyy~” She rested her hands on his chin, “Relax, I’ll reset it on three. Right? ONE—” She pulled. Six loud cracks and a dozen of tinier ones followed along with an almost cathartic pain, much different from the numbness of the last hour.

“Thank you, Tsunade-sama.” Kakashi smiled, “But… I still can’t get up.”

“Oh yeah!!” Naruto perked up. “My gravity seal!!”

“W-wait? This this is _yours_ ?!” Kakashi spluttered. A dozen questions had popped up into his head like; How did Sai get the seal? Did Sai and Naruto _know_ each other? Why the heck was it put on _him_ of all people?!

“Yeeeeeaaaahhhh… It’s actually my _failed_ gravity seal. It doesn't amplify the earth’s gravity and instead works like a sticking charm and sticks you to the ground. It totally failed and I couldn't give it to bushy brows. Worse, the weight couldn't be adjusted unless you made a whole new seal. I mean, I can make another one but that's just a waste of paper. Money doesn't grow on trees, dattebayo, and if I kept using them, I doubt any trees in Konoha would be left. Meaning that 'Village Hidden in the Leaves’ wouldn't really make much se—”

“—Just get it off!” Kakashi had already lost all feeling in that hand, and one didn't become a jōnin on pure dumb luck. If it persisted like that he could honestly cripple his hand forever.

“Right, you don't need to be so hasty, sensei.” Naruto sighed, pulling out a brush pen and ink bottle. “Now, stay still.”

Instantly, the Hatake was glad his hand was numb. His nerves were protected from the assault of the brush's fine, _ticklish_ bristles. Fūinjutsu, especially when being applied on him, was hell on earth. Even the application of the ANBU tattoo was a struggle for Kakashi to not smile in front of his impressionable teammates—it would ruin his carefully constructed reputation forever.

“Aaaaaaand~” Naruto let out a short burst of chakra, but as usual, the amount and density was like a sucker punch to the stomach. He really needed to teach him better chakra control. “Done!”

Kakashi gave a cautious tug to his hand which separated itself from the tile for the first time in _hours_. “Thank you.” He said to the heavens.

“You're welcome Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto beamed sunnily, rising from his crouched position, “Anyyyyywayyy~ I gotta get back to running away or Baa-chan will pummel me!” He narrowly dodged a fist by ducking under and avoided the following flurry by backflipping away.

“Geeeeze!” He stuck out his tongue as he scaled the inn's building, “Baa-chan you could've at least given me a head start, 'ttebayo!”

“Head start?” Tsuande growled, grabbing one of the decorative boulders with one hand. “Disrespectful brats aren't entitled to such a thing!”

“Ha? But this Bray's going to be Hokage!!” Naruto puffed out his chest proudly from the roof. “Dattebayoooo!”

Kakashi could see the tensing of her muscles and the subtle but of her lip. He had heard the stories. Who hadn't? The disbanding of the legendary Sannin was the hottest topic until the Kyūbi attack, though not many were aware of Tsunade's hate for the Hokage position.

“...Hokage…” she dropped the boulder (in the wrong place too!) and chased after Naruto.

If Kakashi were another sensei, he would have been a bit more… concerned that two of his students were taken by the last loyal Sannin . Once is an accident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is an enemy action… but certainly Orochimaru wouldn’t show up. Kakashi’s luck was bad, yes, but not that bad. Besides, it wasn’t like _Sakura_ and _Orochimaru_ were anything alike…

He thought of her poisoned senbon and despite the heat of the onsen, he shivered. Maybe… they were more alike than first assumed. How terrifying.

Kakashi moved to exit the bathhouse, his vacation from the little devils was ruin, twice over and he wasn’t looking forward for a flying Sakura rearranging his face _permanently_.

“Oh?” A silky voice said, “There’s still someone here?”

Kakashi looked up at yellow eyes.

“Pity, I was hoping that I’d have the bath to myself.” The snake faced man said.

“...” Kakashi’s jaw dropped open, first Jiraiya, then Tsunade, now _Orochimaru_?! He so needed to report it to the hokage. If they decided to have a showdown—! ...Well, Kakashi would need to hurry and evacuate everyone before they decided to bring the place down.

Orochimaru glided past Kakashi gracefully, long black hair and pale skin covered with short brown buzz cut and dark tan but nothing would mask his serpentine eyes. Or that weird sashay of his hips that Kakashi remembered from his childhood.

He continued to stare fish eyed until Orochimaru floated past him and sank into the water and stared for a few seconds longer.

...he just hoped Sakura wasn't anywhere near. A meeting between the two would be disastrous.

(Kakashi may have forgotten that his luck ran out a long time ago. A very long time ago. The brats were just the beginning, he knew it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, I couldn’t draw Kurama so... I drew a legit fox. I’m not too happy with it so expect it susceptible to change. 
> 
> 新 (おんこちしん)  
> English translation: Review the past, know the future  
> This is to look back at the past and learn from it, and to take that knowledge into the future. It’s a little bit similar to English, “history repeats itself,” as it implies that your knowledge of the past will help you know what can happen in future situations.
> 
> Japanese wisteria can be deadly poisonous but mostly the seeds. Eating two of them could kill a child, rendering them serious ill. Don’t eat any. Fujiko is made of two parts, ‘Fuji’ means wisteria and ‘ko’ is a common ending to female names meaning child. 
> 
> School is killing me! In Australia Senior students have to do something stupid and boring called Research Project. Like, fair enough, it builds up skills for researching in University, but it SUCKS. I’m doing something on webtoon character design and eventually I’m going to post one for primary research. When it comes out, of anyone could read it and comment, it would really help!
> 
> On another note, I hate deviantart. I just don’t get it. I’m considering starting an Instagram, Tumblr or Twitter or something... haaaaa...


	8. In Which There is an Odd Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s an odd reunion, one that shouldn’t have happened so soon... come follow the sannin and find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly so sorry that this is late. I have no real excuse. This whole arc is taking too long and I hate it! :(
> 
> I got lots of help from DiscipleofLilith again so if anyone had any suggestions please comment or dm (or pm. Whatever it’s called) me! 
> 
> Please enjoy~

Sakura was on cloud nine. In the span of less than an hour, she had gained more knowledge about poisons than she had in the past three months! She thought this kind of understanding could only be found by pounding Sasori into bits and dissecting his puppet brain for this intricate knowledge.

She sneaked another glance towards “Daikoku” who was totally not Orochimaru in disguise and back to her client Tennouji who, by the way, still hadn't recognised her. Geisha makeup might actually be ever so slightly… useful.

(She loathed admitting that fact. But she took solace in the fact that despite its usefulness, the makeup was heavy and dry like mud caked on her face.)

Daikoku had drunk almost six whole bottles in this time frame and Sakura had subtly been pouring the drink to make it seem like his cup was always full, never empty. His alcohol tolerance was… laughable. The man was hiding it well but the slight wobbling back and forth told the whole story.

(One had to remember that Sakura’s teacher was a chronic alcoholic and had passed that trait to her. Together, they could probably drink half of Konoha’s alcohol supply. Needless to say, she didn’t understand normal levels of alcohol consumption.)

“So, Okakyu-sama,” Sakura began, not forgetting to add more liquor into his cup, “What brings you to this part of Fire Country? You’re obviously not from these parts.” She made obvious glances to his clothes.

“Ah yes,” He nodded, “I am but a mere merchant who happens to be acquainted with Tennouji-kun over there.” He motioned to the passed out man in the corner. Compared to Daikoku-Orochimaru, his alcohol tolerance was just… sad. It made Sakura want to weep in disappointment.

“Just a merchant…?” Sakura asked slyly. To some random civilian, it probably sounded real enough, especially when his clothes were put into account. But Sakura was a kunoichi with the Prankster Prince (Naruto) as her teammate and the Trolling Tyrant (Kakashi) as her sensei. She knew how to look underneath the underneath. “Surely you aren’t just transporting humble goods. Something closer to… I don’t know—humans?”

His mouth thinned and turned upwards. “You’re such a bright girl. Inquisitive and brave. Quite strange for a geisha’s apprentice.”

Sakura bowed her head, “I feel quite comfortable with you, Okakyu-sama, and my parents always believed that it wasn’t right for a child to hold their tongues.” Oddly, nothing she said was false. Orochimaru, without his ultra-pedo vibe, was surprisingly pleasant. He was a snake; calm, collected and logical but he wasn’t as heartless as the rumours say. Even he had passions that lit a fire in his eyes and showed that his heart beat with his soul. Besides, if Naruto could do this “convert the enemy” thing on a daily basis, Sakura was sure she could do it occasionally too.

“Your parents are wise souls to say such a thing, however, it seems that they have brought about an odd child.” He chuckled, “Generally, I am told I am unnerving, especially to children. But to answer your question, I suppose you could say that I do some dealings with Tennouji-kun. He does need a place to put the… unwanted ones.”

Which in a nutshell told her that Tennouji wasn’t as clean as he could be. (And this wasn’t just because of physical hygiene.) Human trafficking and slaves were illegal all over the elemental nations but the practice of a parent leasing out their child for money was widely accepted, especially in Yoshiwara. The less fortunate children who didn’t fit into Yoshiwara due to their less than perfect appearance or resilient behaviour were probably sent to Orochimaru to use in his experiments. It was sad but true to say that in some places, humans were cheaper than clean water.

Daikoku set down his cup and rose unsteadily. Sakura did the same to meet him, lending a tiny hand to rest on the small of his back. He smiled in thanks, a non-pedo thanks, Sakura may add and insisted for his 'friend’ the sleazeball to be taken care of.

(Though that had many different connotations to the sentence. Did he want her to take care of him, or take care of him? Because her new-found knowledge on poisons was itching right under her fingertips, ready to wreak havoc on the world.)

She stared at his back as he departed past the sliding door and directed her attention back to Tennouji's rounded girth. He snorted happily in his sleep.

...yeah, Sakura was so out of here. She spent more than enough time in the sleazeball's presence than should be strictly necessary, she believed. It was high time for a strategic retreat.

It was laughably easy to sneak into the back room and retrieve her clothes before they were incinerated by that annoying older Geisha—Kiko, or Keiko—whatever her name was. Honestly, no one ever looked up, did they? More than half of the people Sakura strolled by were fixated on their own feet and the rest were occupied with their jobs.

However, Sakura's anonymity was destroyed when she slid open the door and came face to face with…

“Sasuke-kun, are you in drag?” She asked bluntly, taking in the sight of her boyfriend in an elaborate kimono looking damn graceful as he did. “Why do you look so good in drag?”

Sasuke tilted his head and smiled in a totally fake not-at-all Sasuke manner that looked frustratingly good on his pale face. His mouth opened to speak but what came out was clearly not Sasuke. “And despite dressing up, I see that you're still as ugly.”

“CHA!!!” In a fit of anger, Sakura widely swung her fist at the imposter's chin, looking to dislocate the jaw and make him the ugly one. But with all the grace of a real Geisha—a real female Geisha—Fake-Sasuke dodged, ducking down with precision.

“Ugly,” he deadpanned, “If you're going to throw an ugly punch then you should at least make sure it connects.”

Sakura bit her lip and knew that her eyelid was twitching. “Sai.” She ground out, “What the hell are you doing here?”

He seemed to ponder her question, “Well, would you prefer the long answer or the sho—”

“—short—”

“Well… I found a fūinjutsu seal in one of my painting scrolls and accidentally fed it chakra when I was ambushed on a mission.” His face morphed from bright to stony. “...Ino doesn't remember me.”

Sakura’s fists unintentionally unclenched themselves. If Sakura was shoved into the past without Naruto (who was probably the cause) or Sasuke, or even Kakashi-sensei, she would be terribly depressed too. After all the years estranged or not, her team had become her rock, Sakura's foundations when things got tough. Without them, she would definitely feel an aching emptiness within. She couldn’t even imagine how Sai was feeling without Ino—

“But~ We’re still tight.” He made a rude gesture with his hands, “Oh. Your face is now redder than your hair. Is that a reaction only ugly people ma—”

This time Sakura ground her wooden geta sandal into the boy’s toes in anger. “Shut it bastard!”

He yelped in pain and immediately shoved the girl off his foot. Pouting, Sai said, “See, this is why you’re Ugly.” And ducked under Sakura’s uppercut and ran away silently despite the wooden heels.

“...I never asked him what he was doing.” Sakura murmured. Knowing him, it could be anything from painting to assassination to just being a dick just because he’s kinda hot and he knows it. (Having a copy of Sasuke’s face did that to people.)

Her stomach growled.

Curse the limitations of a prepubescent female body. She had to get her priorities straight. First food, then whatever fishy business Sai decided to get into.

* * *

Sasuke squared the older man off with half a smirk. It was dead silent between them with only the rustling of leaves and the faint chimes moving in the spring wind. Surrounding the two was what could only be considered as a battlefield.

“...kid, I don’t know how you did it…” Jiraiya spoke, hands trembling in shock. “But… this is… a masterpiece.” His fingers ghosted over the freshly fired ink on the page. “Now all we need is some smut and this will be the best dam… ned…”

The evil look from the younger boy was all he needed to know that his mouth should’ve been shut like, yesterday.

“A-alright!! No smut, there’s no need for smut, this is a bestseller regardless!” He panicked, “I-I’m sure that people all over the nation will be worshipping your work like Kami-sama themselves!”

Sasuke didn’t look placated at all.

Unknown to the sweating Jiraiya, Sasuke, like practically every other Uchiha that had ever lived was cursed with a perpetual bitch face and _Kūdere_ tendencies. In reality, Sasuke was flying higher than heaven. The ghostwriter for _The Left Side Shores_ was right in front of him, in the flesh. And by that Sasuke meant actually alive and not some reincarnated piece of parasitic wood.

After his brother's death, Sasuke had unsurprisingly gone through depression masked by a lust for destruction and rage. But if one looked closely, like Jūgo, it was clear to see that Sasuke was just being round about suicidal. A lost mentality ensnared his mind at that time and honestly? The only three things that kept him really going were Sakura, Naruto and Kishimoto Kaeru’s single, _The Left Side Shores._

Confined to his room under ANBU watch and even being thrown into prison with chakra suppressing seals (à la Naruto) gave Sasuke a long time to just… think.

Sasuke was never truly given a chance to grieve. Not for his clan, not for his brother, not to his loyalty to his best friend. It was hard. With the raw reminders lurking in every corner physically and metaphorically. The peace and quiet allowed him to do that. To sit… grieve… and think.

As soon as the whole ‘traitor’ business died out, Sasuke anonymously sent a draft of his first novel under the pen name Akomeogi. After eleven rejections and two frauds publishers, Sasuke's debut wonder _The Crow Cries at Night_. The shinobi world never saw it coming and in less than a week everyone was talking about it. Even Kakashi-sensei had set down his porn and devoured the writings of Akomeogi’s book before becoming an avid—almost fanatical—fan of the book.

Sasuke, keeping to his antisocial tendencies, never once mentioned his true identity to the general public. Not to Naruto or Sakura either, (not that he didn’t trust them, the subject just never came up). To this day, Akomeogi was a true mystery… or at least would be a true mystery?

Curse the dobe for time travel. Now he had to write the story all-over-again from scratch on top of continuing to write his next book _The Hydrangea Heart_.

God, his hand aches just thinking about it. Thank all the deities above that his right hand was back because despite being cross dominant, he never taught his left hand to write. It was a pain and a half to learn but then again, he had all the time in the world during solitary confinement.

He sighed, focusing his attention back on the rambling Jiraiya. “Kid, you’re a legit gold mine, a diamond in the rough. If you do choose to elaborate on this—which you sorely need to—the public will go crazy over this book. Your bank will be lined with zeros.” He practically vomited it all out. “I-I know I haven’t asked this in a while, but… do you want to be my apprentice?”

Sasuke stilled. If his Rinne Sharingan wasn’t perpetually switched on (Chakra endurance training) then he would have thought that he imagined it.

“A-ah, too soon?” The toad sage winced, “I get it. I mean, you’ve probably heard stories about me—about the smut and the bad grades and I doubt the Uchiha prodigy would want to be my apprentice, I mean like, my—”

“Ok.”

“—specialty since it has some obscure subject’s that your clan hated and—w-wait—ok!?” He seemed surprised despite asking Sasuke directly. “Are you sure!?

“Under one condition.” Jiraiya nodded in response. “Give me your spy network when you retire.”

All enthusiasm from his face disappeared and faded into rough age lines. “...it doesn’t work that way.” He admitted. “I can’t just give you my spy network because, well, the informants aren’t all affiliated with Konoha, just me. There are quite a few who hate shinobi and the Uchihas as well. They wouldn’t be willing to give you information no matter how hard you beg.”

...well Sasuke’s career of being the future spymaster was just ruined. It wasn’t fair. Naruto and Kakashi already got the Hokage job while Sakura was the leading medic in all of Konoha. At this rate, Sasuke wouldn’t be able to live up to his teammates because Shikamaru already took Jōnin commander, Ino took T&I and Ten-Ten ruled the ANBU as the commander with a steel grip.

What did Sasuke have? Former Nukenin Sasuke. Yeah, not happening. Idly, he played with Rayu who was pawing softly at his scalp. It seemed that this rabbit was quite empathetic as he could sense Sasuke’s distress.

“But…” Jiraiya scratched at his cheek, “I guess that I could teach you how to be a spymaster. But you’ll have to make your own informants, and that can take forev—”

“Really?” Inwardly, he grinned (because he was an Uchiha and no Uchiha grinned outwardly). No more pedo.

Orochimaru wasn’t all that bad. That was if one could live with the constant screams of agony through the day. However, Sasuke simply felt uncomfortable whenever he was in the man’s presence. Generally, he prided himself at being comfortable in his own skin, (well, now he does, before as a child… not so much). However, Sasuke never recognised the alarm bells blaring in the back of his head begging him to notice the… less savoury looks that the snake-faced man shot at his behind.

It was probably because, in that stage of life, Sasuke didn’t even know that people could like the same gender. Remember this, as a young child, Sasuke was very kind and sweet and innocent, and the Uchiha did not condone homosexual relationships. By the time that his whole clan was wiped out, Sasuke was still an innocent child who believed that only a mommy and daddy should kiss and had no one to tell him otherwise.

Boy, he had the shock of his life when Kakashi revealed his fancy for Iruka. But unlike other Uchiha’s instead of disgust, Sasuke… was enamoured.

Mind you, he wasn’t gay. He was perfectly happy with Sakura, (though if she died, he would totally go for Naruto. But everyone would go for Naruto. Fact of life.) But the idea of guy on guy or girl on girl just opened so many possibilities!!!

Like… OrochimaruXJiraiya! Though… maybe it wouldn’t work because Orochimaru was a shōtacon…

Sasuke whipped out his notebook. “Jiraiya…sensei, how old are you?” He needed to get as many details to get his creative juices flowing.

“Eh—? Oh, this year I turned—“

“Who were your parents? What did they do? When did you meet Orochimaru and Tsunade? What was your first impression of them?? How did you feel—“

“W-whoa, kid!” Jiraiya raised a hand, “One question at a time! Man, I don’t know what goes on in that brain of yours but I’d be happy to give you inspiration. Now, the first thing you need to know about interviews is that you need to be clear, concise, and give time for the other person to speak.”

Sasuke nodded thoughtfully. Honestly, he’d never given an interview only interrogations but they couldn’t be that different.

“This is different from an interrogation.” The toad sage said as if reading Sasuke’s mind. “You’re not supposed to intimidate or hurt them and they can leave at any time, so you have to be amiable—oi! Did you just click your tongue?”

“Hn.”

“Kid, no one’s going to talk to you if they find you intimidating or scary. Why do you think I’m like this?” He struck a pose.

“Because if you looked normal no self-respecting woman would even look at you,” Sasuke said bluntly. “Your pervert vibes are hidden by the Kabuki makeup.”

“W-What?! I’ll have you know—” Whatever the man was going to say fell on dying ears as the whole room violently shook with a tremendous force. “An earthquake? But Yoshiwara shouldn’t have any this strong…”

...He stared at the Uchiha’s neck glowing with bright red splotches.

“That wasn’t me!” He snapped, daring the Sannin to contradict him.

Jiraiya held his hands up in surprise. “No, no! It was probably me. I’m famished.” He rested his hand on Sasuke’s shoulder which was swept off easily, “I know this great place—”

“—I’m not going to a brothel.”

“...I know another great place…”

* * *

It was a narrow dodge of Tsunade’s earth-shattering that shot up the suffocating plumes of dust into the air and up Naruto’s nostrils. He coughed wildly, falling to his in shock and pounding the ground.

“Ha! Just a little dust is enough to kill you now, brat?” Tsunade stood victorious, hands on hips. Naruto wasn’t fooled. Her sensei was the goddamned Sandiame and he was a prolific smoker and judging from the gambling dens she frequented, he wouldn’t be surprised if her lungs were as bad as his.

“F-Futon: Toppa!” To release the technique, Naruto, unfortunately, needed to suck in a lot more of the dust filled air which clogged up his lungs like an ugly poison. He hacked a few more times before the taste of sweet air filled him. “Thank god. Geeze baa-chan, you could’ve killed me just then!”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do this whole time?!” She screeched, “And don’t call me that!” She swung her leg to meet Naruto’s face.

“Then stop attacking me!” He yelled back, sliding under her body and taking a full sprint towards Yoshiwara Castle, “I’m an Uzumaki! I have a bunch of stamina, ‘ttebayo! It’ll take you forever to catch me.”

Tsunade grinned evilly in response, and ran after him, “There’s where you’re wrong. I’m also an Uzumaki and a legendary ninja. You’re going to only escape when I’m dead.”

“W-wait—!” Naruto stopped right in his tracks, making the older woman and her sizable assets crash into him. He was sent several meters forward into the air and his mouth tasted dust. “Ugh, thanks baa-chan.”

She lifted him up from the lapels, “Finally got you, Gaki.” She grinned.

“W-waiiiit!!!” He waved his hands out, “Time-out! TIME-OUT!”

She scoffed, “I already gave you a time-out.”

“B-but! Are you really an Uzumaki?” Naruto unleashed his puppy eyes on the woman who he knew was weak to such things.

She dropped him, “What the hell are they teaching in the academy these days?” Tsunade scratched her head. “Don’t they ever say that the legendary Mito-sama who married the Shodaime was an Uzumaki?”

“Marriage doesn’t mean that you have kids together.” Naruto pointed out.

“...Touche.” She scowled, “But that’s not the point gaki. We’re like… their cousins twice removed or something.”

“That’s oddly specific.” He mused. “Did you know my parents?” He smiled, watching her sweat slightly.

“E-eh, just a guess—a-anyway, lemme get back to smashing in your face. I’m still mad!!”

“Uh,” Naruto sidestepped and scrambled away from her uppercut, “do you even remember why you’re mad?”

They blinked at each other.

“Uh… the casino… bad luck… Ton-Ton… anger…” Tsunade flustered on the spot as she tried to remember, “d-does it matter!?! I promised that you’re dead so you’re dead!”

“Uwah! You’re so unreasonable Baa-chan!”

“Stop dodging! This is worse than punching water!”

“But then I’ll get hit!”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do!?!”

“Ahhh!!!! No, not between the legs!!!” Thinking fast to an old scroll Naruto once found in the depths of the famed Hokage library, the jinchūriki listed his left hand curled in a fist with his pinky pointed straight at Tsunade’s chest. “Then an Uzumaki ceasefire!!!”

The next blow came dangerously close to the blond’s cheek. The air pressure gave him a new red whisker right above his natural lines. He eyeballed the fist nervously then the evil gleam in the Sannin’s brown eyes.

“Uzumaki… ceasefire?” She murmured and Naruto watched with fascination as he observed the woman reminiscing. He had no idea what exactly she was thinking of, but it seemed positive judging from the soft pull at her lip’s corners.

“Just like…—aki.”

“Huh?” Naruto blinked, just like who?

“Very well, Gaki,” she took his pinky and interlocked it with her own, “but you owe me a drink.” A green frog appeared in her hand.

“G-Gama-chan!!!” Naruto gasped, hand flying to the seal woven into the lining of his clothes. Tsunade was sneakier than a fox with the unsuspecting way she managed to procure his heavy bag of winnings.

“Now to _Maika_!” She ordered. “That inn has some of the best damned sake, shark-fin soup and baths this side of Fire Country!”

* * *

“Ah.” Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura gaped at each other, each one standing next to a different adult. To the side, Kakashi groaned, smacking his forehead against the wall. Just what he wanted. The three devil children all together.

 The three devil sannin just happened to be there too.

What kind of Kami did Kakashi piss off so badly?

“Ts-tsunade-hime?!” Jiraiya yelped, pointing a wild finger in the woman’s face.

“Jiraiya, don’t you know it’s rude to point?” She slapped his finger away, quite gently in all honesty as there was no unpleasant cracking of bones. “What are you doing here? Trying to get me to come back to Konoha again?”

“Nonnonoonnonononooonnonononooooo!” The Toad Sage took three strides back, “This is just a coincidence! I’m here with my new apprentice!”

“Haaa?” She blinked in surprise. Kakashi did too. Jiraiya swore to not take another apprentice after Minato’s death. He thought the only exception would be little Naruto, but the child he pushed forward had hair a hundred shades too dark to be a Namikaze child.

“Meet my new apprentice! Sasuke Uchiha!” Jiraiya exclaimed, doing some weird jazz hands behind the boy’s back.

“What the heck are you teaching him?” She insulted, “I seem to recall a certain someone was the dead-last of the graduating class.”

The toad sage grinned widely, “Well we always need new Spymasters! At least I’m teaching someone.”

Tsunade’s ego was ruffled as she narrowed her eyes competitively. “W-well! I have a new apprentice too Sh...!” She swung her head around and the words died on her lips, however, she didn’t falter and hefted Naruto from the scruff of his jacket. “This is my new apprentice!”

“N—”Jiraiya nearly blurted out, “Ah! Uh, I mean… What are you going to teach him? I can feel the amount of chakra that boy has from miles away. He can’t be a medic nin.”

“You just answered it yourself! He’s an Uzumaki, as one clan member to another, I have to show him the ropes, don’t I?” She nodded, “We are a dying race after all.”

“Yo Sasuke.” Naruto saluted. “I have no idea what this crazy baa-chan is talking aaaaaaabboooouutttt—OW!” He was dropped to the ground. “I landed on my funny bone you crazy bat!” Naruto wailed making Sasuke snicker.

Kakashi just prayed they didn’t notice Orochimaru, who had already shed off his disguise. (Turns out, his weird second skin stuff comes off in water??).

“Excuse me?” Tsunade and Jiraiya turn to Orochimaru who smiled softly. “I’m afraid you’re blocking the exit.”

“Ah! We’re very sorry.” Tsunade moved out of the way and bowed. “Hurry up and bow you dolt! Who taught you manners?” She hissed, grabbing her partner’s white hair and tugging it down.

“YEOUCH! TSUNADE-HIME!” He said, but didn’t move. “You look very familiar.” His face was mere centimetres away from the snake man.

“Hmmm…” Tsunade joined him. “You’re… right! I just… where have I seen it before?”

Kakashi’s heart stopped.

Please don’t recognise him. Please don’t recognise him. Please don’t recognise him—

“OROCHIMARU!”

The two jumped back into fighting positions.

“Damned bastard!!” Tsunade growled, “You dare show your face here?”

“I’ve been tracking you for six months! And now you show your snake face?” Jiraiya added.

Orochimaru smiled sweetly…. Sweetly?!?!

“I’m afraid you have the wrong person.” He declared. “My name is not Orochimaru. I am _Mamushi_!”

There was a sudden drop of silence.

“Psst… did he just… say that he was a girl?” Naruto stage-whispered. “Or is that not really Orochimaru?” Sasuke elbowed him in the gut.

“...Mamushi?” Jiraiya said. They locked eyes.

…

“Do you need proof?” Orochimaru/Mamushi offered. “I have some.” Before anyone could add he pulled open his yukata.

“SHIELD NARUTO’S EYES!” Team 7 yelped as three pairs of hands slapped themselves onto the blonde’s face though all for differing reasons.

(See, Sakura and Sasuke were both subjected to a crushing Hinata…. A crushing, terrifying, yandere Hinata who nearly castrated the both of them during one of her fits. A pure Naruto was the best type of Naruto to calm down her bloodlust. No need to set Hinata on poor Orochimaru. No one could be that cruel. Now, Kakashi, on the other hand, was in the middle of slowly but surely awakening his protective mother hen instincts.)

“...a girl?” Jiraiya asked pervertedly, a trail of blood already leaking from his nose.

“Hey!” Tsunade slapped her teammate to the ground, “Eyes to yourself!”

Sakura pulled up the sides of Orochimaru’s yukata. “Kami-sama! Where is your decency as a woman?!” She yelped.

Orochimaru shrugged looking as unapologetic as ever. “Is our misunderstanding resolved?” He asked.

“Yes.” Tsunade grumbled. “We are terribly sorry for this, Mamushi-san, we mistook you for our nukenin teammate Orochimaru. He has a terribly uncanny likeness to you, except that he’s male. He may be a relative of sorts.”

“Perhaps.” Orochimaru replied, (while Tsunade may be fooled, Kakashi could smell the snake coming off him in waves), “I accept your apology, Tsunade-sama. Many have made the mistake before.”

“Please, let us treat you to a drink.” Tsunade said, and Kakashi could feel the cold sweat break out on his skin. “It’s the least we could do.”

“Very well.” Orochimaru nodded briskly. “I am quite famished.”

The two linked arms (with Tsunade grabbing Jiraiya by the leg) and marched towards the restaurant side of the inn.

“...Ooooohhhhkayyyy…. What just happened?” Naruto asked. “I think I missed the good bits while your hands were gouging out my eyes!”

“Don’t worry.” Sakura sighed. “It was nothing really.”

“Where did Baa-chan go?” His stomach growled. “I’m hungry. Can we go eat? Oh hey, Kakashi-sensei! Whassup?”

Kakashi sighed. One day he would get a break. If he remembered correctly, the Summer Chūnin exams would be held in… Konoha! Perfect chance to ditch the hellhounds without needing to resort to murder (not that he would).

“Kaka-sen-SEI! Hurry up, I’m huuuungry!” The blonde brat cried.

The brats never learnt anything from him anyway.

* * *

Dinner was… a tense affair. Or it was, for Kakashi. The occupants being Team 7, the Sannin including Orochimaru in drag and Shizune, Tsunade’s apprentice.

A quiet snort reminded Kakashi of the presence of Ton-Ton, the pet pig along with Sasuke’s four rabbits, one which had taken a shine to Kakashi’s scraggly bird’s nest of a hairdo.

Unfortunately for him, the rest of his table mates didn’t seem to notice the obvious tension they had by inviting the friggin bad-egg NUKENIN Sannin to dinner. Or maybe it was fortunate? It meant that Yoshiwara was still standing.

It was a comical sight. Tsunade and Jiraiya with cross-dressing Orochimaru (or was it transvestite? He had boobs after all) wedged between them. Both trying their hardest to keep the cross-dresser’s attention, though Tsunade was attempting girl talk and Jiraiya was trying to cop a feel. But Orochimaru’s attention was fixated hungrily on Kakashi’s three students.

Kakashi subtly shifted a bit closer to Sasuke’s side. The man’s view on each had a different gleam. The safest by far, was his proud gaze when he stared at Sakura which also was the oddest. To most, Sakura looked unimpressive. Pretty, yes, but only superficially. Besides, he was sure that Orochimaru was bent.

The next was his calculating look at Naruto which was totally understandable. Naruto had the biggest ass chakra pool anyone would be able to find. He was also an Uzumaki. Of course, Orochimaru wanted to dissect him.

The grossest and most uncomfortable was his predatory gleam when he laid eyes of Sasuke. His non-existent teacher instincts which took the form of Umino Iruka’s voice and his alarm bells were ringing “this man is a fucking PEDO get Sasuke out of there, now”. The man was undressing the boy with his eyes!

Naruto seemed oblivious to it and chowing down his ramen like no tomorrow but Sakura’s mouth was so strained it looked like a grimace rather than a pleasant smile. She and Sasuke were… dating?? So it made sense that her chopsticks were already snapped in half.

“Kaka-sensei.” And Kakashi quickly handed her a new set of chopsticks before she decided to rip out some of his ribs and fashion them into her new cutlery instead. “Thank you.” She nodded curtly, snapping apart the wood.

“So… Sasuke-kun, is it?” Orochimaru purred, licking his lips seductively.

Kakashi saw the next move in slow motion. Anger surged through Sakura’s face as she threw her chopsticks into the air and lunged talons first across the table. “SHANNAROOOOOOO!!!!!” was her battle cry as she attempted to claw Orochimaru’s eyes out. Sasuke, the sensible child, hugged his female teammates around the waist, stopping her advance before it could really begin. Naruto, on the other hand, was still eating and was on his fourth bowl with his pet fox. Ew. The fox was eating out of the same bowl. Even Kakashi wouldn’t go that far with his ninken and they were pack.

The Sannin side of the table wasn’t much better. In the scramble to protect Orochimaru from Sakura, Jiraiya and Tsunade had pushed themselves in front of the man. However, Jiraiya being the man he was, attempted to grab at Orochimaru’s fake chest but missed and instead grasped on tightly to Tsunade’s instead.

Utter chaos erupted. Kakashi dodged three different ceramic bowls and got two different chopsticks (not pairs, unfortunately) stuck in his hair before he decided a tactical retreat was the best idea. He was so not getting into a fight between the Sannin, even if his students were caught in the crossfire.

He shimmed down, under the booth’s table for refuge, nearly catching a handful of udon going up in his nose. While not a child, Kakashi was content to crawl into the centre of the round table. Since childhood, they were small niches the prodigy was allowed solace by himself.

Now to most, Kakashi has now portrayed himself as an uncaring bastard who just left his three genin students, devils or not, to the mercy of two—maybe three—Sannin. However, the man has utter faith that Tsunade and Jiraiya, while not exactly having their screws in completely, still had morals and wouldn’t let the other or Orochimaru harm the kids. Rather, dear greying Kakashi was giddy from the thought that the three twerps might have their asses handed to them for ‘not having manners’.

“Oh? Well hello again, Kakashi-sensei.”

The jonin came face to face with coal eyes swimming in mirth. Sai smiled, tilting his head a bit too much to be real.

“I didn’t know you liked the smell of feet.” He eyed Jiraiya’s sandal and single barefoot disgustedly, “I can’t say I see the appeal.”

“...Sai?” Kakashi blinked, seeing the mirror image of Sasuke beaming with a smile just a little too big to be natural.

“Yes. It’s very nice to meet you, Sensei.” He paused as if in thought. “Would you like a nickname—“ he ducked under an airborne tamagoyaki, “—I heard that when you give nicknames—“ he rolled out of the way of a splash of tea, “—you become closer friends.” This time, a whole fish smacked him in the face, before falling to the ground flopping around to show it’s vitality.

“Uh—“

“You can be Useless.” Sai said, “it fits you perfectly.”

That… actually hurt Kakashi’s heart a bit. Huh. Maybe he did have feelings.

“Well then, Useless, please stay here as I assassinate Orochimaru-sama.”

…

Sai disappeared.

...Did he just say he was going to assassinate Orochimaru?

* * *

“S-sakura!” Sasuke grunted with effort as he tried to restrain his teammate’s monstrous strength.

“JIRAIYA!” Tsunade shrieked, “GET YOUR DISGUSTING HANDS OFF ME OR I’LL BREAK THE OTHER HALF OF THE BONES IN YOUR BODY!”

Jiraiya’s hands leapt back to himself, face stark white in contrast to his red markings on his face. “I—uh—W-wait, it was a mistake!”

“LET ME GO, SHANNARO!” Sakura flailed, picking up anything she could find and hurling it as hard as she could towards Orochimaru.

That, unfortunately, included Naruto’s ramen.

“SAKURA!” The blond dropped his chopsticks in what he would probably call ‘epic mic drop’ and lunged at her, disregarding the fact that his precious ‘food of the gods’ had french-kissed with the slug Sannin’s face. “HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!”

“GAKI!” Tsunade rumbled, reaching over the table and pulling the boy by his collar. “Why, you….!!!!”

“Ack! Baa-chan? Is that my ramen?”

“WHAT ELSE DOES IT LOOK LIKE?!”

“—LEMME GO! I NEED TO GOUGE HIS EYES OUT OF HIS SKULL—!”

“Fufufufu, how interesting.”

“CHA!!!! DIE FREAK! SASUKE’S MINE!”

“Fufu, but aren’t I your sensei?”

“YEAH! A PEDO-SENSEI!!!”

“—Eh??? Pedo??? Mamushi-san likes little boys?”

“Of course not idiot! Mamushi-chan isn’t like Orochimaru, Jiraiya.”

“No.” A kunai struck the middle of the table and with a swirl of (totally theatrical and overdone) leaves, a boy appeared onstage. “Mamushi is Orochimaru.”

Tsunade scoffed. “Get out of here, little boy, you’ve definitely got the wrong person.”

“Yeah, Mamushi-chan is a girl.” Jiraiya wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Look at ‘em.”

His cheek received another red mark.

The boy, who looked startling Uchiha-esque with his monochromatic colour scheme, laughed. “You really believe that that transvestite, is female?” He waved around his tip-less tantō at Jiraiya. “You honestly can’t be that blind.”

“Hey!” The toad sage protested. “I’m still a healthy young man—”

“—Yeah, right—” Tsunade muttered.

“And I can clearly see that there is a… there are two beautiful women in front of me!!”

Orochimaru blushed and giggled so fakely it hurt Team 7’s ears.

Sai smiled blandly, “Wow, you sure suck at acting. How did you get famous?” He asked snidely, “Sleeping around?”

This time a batch of obvious eye drops (the bottle was right there on the table too) and too loud to be true sniffles, “How mean! Mamushi-chan wouldn’t do such a thing, right Ji… rai...ya...kun?”

The shivers that ran down everyone’s spines was too great to ignore. Even Naruto had set down his half-eaten bowl to prevent himself from retching. There were just so many things wrong with the situation and Kakashi, from under the table, was so glad that Sai had lunged at the two male Sannin, smile no longer meeting his eyes.

“Hey…? Is that Sai?” Naruto said mildly watching disinterestedly as the boy waved around his tanto at Orochimaru’s neck while dodging blows from both Tsunade and Jiraiya. Gosh, they just keep getting younger and younger, don’t they?

“Yeah.” Sakura filched a piece of sliced beef from Naruto’s food. “Saw ‘im… earlier dressed in drag. Think he was told to kill Orochimaru.”

“Huh.” Naruto pushed the rest of his bowl towards Sakura. “There’s something… odd… about him.”

“Who?”

“... Orochimaru.”

“The boobs?”

Naruto’s brow furrowed. “Oh. Did not notice those.”

“They’re not awfully big are they?”

“Neither are yours.”

Next thing, a black, orange and yellow blur is tossed into Orochimaru’s side, dislodging two peaches from the inside of the snake man’s shirt.

“OW! This is abuse!” Naruto whined, “I’m gonna be the Hokage, ‘ttebayo.”

“That’s what they all say.” Sakura retorted both did not notice the utter silence from their Sannin friends.”

“... OROCHIMARU?!”

The man smirked, letting his long tongue poke out at lick his lips in that disgustingly paedophilic way. “How nice to see you again; Jiraiya; Tsunade-hime.”

“…I think we should go eat somewhere else.” Sasuke muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation Notes!  
> Geishas: They are not whores. They are professional entertainers. Oiran are prostitutes. Get it right foreigners. 
> 
> Okakyu: Guest
> 
> Akomeogi: It was a court fan called the Akomeogi (衵扇 Akomeōgi) after the court women's dress named Akome. A tribute to Uchiha which derives from Uchiwa, a type of japanese fan. 
> 
> Kishimoto Kaeru: Kishimoto cuz apparently Kishimoto can be spelt as Shore and Kaeru because it means Toad and frog. Apparently. 
> 
> Mamushi: a japanese pit viper
> 
> Shotacon: Someone who likes little boys 
> 
> RAMBLING  
> I just finished my French Exam. Worst thing ever. Mind you, being Year 11 means that it doesn't count in anything, but still an exam's an exam. l contemplated handing up a blank test for that reason but the boredom got too much. 
> 
> It's been so busy in the past two months. I think I've broke down and cried at least six times, three times last week due to stress in school. (Happens to the best of us).   
> Most memorable time was when I was about to recite my slam poetry about my sisters during English. I told the girls at the front of the class; "I'm really nervous right now, my heart's beating really fast."  
> One girl said; "It's okay. Your heart doesn't need to beat... -FAST! Your heart doesn't need to beat fast."  
> And I cried. Though not because she told me to die, but rather because she said 'it's ok'. I really freaked her out as she finished her sentence because thought I was upset because she told me to die. I got over it in less than 3 minutes~ I think I just needed to let the tears out.


End file.
